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Boyfriend's brother is a big problem

Hey y'all,

I'm sort of at my breaking point here. Me and my boyfriend's brother (lets call him B) have had problems on and off ever since me and my boyfriend started dating. B doesn't think too highly of women and would always demand me to clean and get very angry when I didn't. If I would even so much as suggest that he should do the dishes, he would fly off the handle. There was one time he told me that I should not wear shorts around the house because it gives him a bo*er. The amount of misogynistic crap I have put up with from him is pretty overwhelming.

Well, the other day, B came over and crashed on the couch for two days! While we were gone, B smoked weed and cigarettes inside the house. I came home and I was like "Hey can you please not smoke in the house? I go to professional events and I don't want my clothes smelling like that. Please smoke outside." He absolutely flew off the handle calling me every name in the book. I left for lunch and returned later. He was sleeping on the couch. I had homework to do so I turned the TV off so I could concentrate. All of a sudden, B opened his eyes and demanded to know why the TV was off. I was like "I need to do this assignment and then I'll turn it back on. It won't take long at all." Mind you, he has been watching TV non stop for two days. He, once again, flies off the handle and opens the door and garage door in an attempt to let my indoor cats outside. So I get and close the door. Now I have to stand guard by the door so B won't open it. All the while, he is throwing every insult you can think of at me. Finally, he gets up, and opens the door again, this time standing in front of it. B is letting the AC out, letting bugs in, and the cats could easily slip out. One of the cats has a heart condition so he should never be outside. As I try to get past him to close the door, he shoved me backwards, and I hit the ground. My shoulder is injured. He thinks its hilarious.

I call my boyfriend and he says he will handle it. My naive self is thinking that my boyfriend will defend me. Unfortunately, that is not the case. He blames ME for the way his brother acted, saying that if I hadn't messed with him, he wouldn't have done that. I turned the TV off and I was protecting my cats. His brother was the one acting inappropriately. So me and my boyfriend get into a huge fight about it. He said that his brother is family, so he refuses to ban him from the house. The thing is, since he is letting this slide, it WILL happen again. My boyfriend said I should just leave the house when his brother comes over, but that's not realistic. Why should I have to leave MY house?!

Fastfoward to the next evening. We get home from a party and his brother has brought a girl over to our place. It's late and we want to go to bed so they need to leave. I tell my boyfriend that and he tells B to leave. B argues with him, saying he needs more time and my boyfriend folds and lets him have more time.

This is the problem. My boyfriend does not know how to stand up to his brother. His brother is 35 years, still lives with his parents, and does drugs. If my boyfriend lets him do whatever he wants, B will NEVER better himself. I tried to encourage B to get his GED because he wants to go to college. I even made him a resume. I have been SO nice to B even when he is not, but I can't do that forever. I want my boyfriend to not only defend me but to defend himself. B is manipulating my boyfriend into thinking that I am the bad guy.

Sorry this is so long.

TLDR: Boyfriend's brother is a 35 year old drug addict who treats me terribly and manipulates my boyfriend into thinking I deserved it.

Re: Boyfriend's brother is a big problem

Hey there,

I'm sorry for everything you're going through with your boyfriend's brother. From what you've said, it sounds like his brother is very unreasonable and really does not like you. You say that your boyfriend always sides with him. Can you think of any possible reason why? Apart from the fact that they're family?

You could try talking to him about it and how it's affecting your life and your relationship. There's no reason for you to leave your own house when someone else is being unreasonable, but perhaps if you and your boyfriend really sat down to talk about it, he might be able to provide you with a better explanation for his actions.

And if it still doesn't work out, then perhaps you might be better off not being in this relationship. If he cannot defend you in obvious things like these, then maybe it's a sign that your relationship might encounter problems if it continues on.

But again, this is all based off of what I gathered from above.

PM me if you ever need to talk!

Kyra :)

Re: Boyfriend's brother is a big problem

Hey Kitty,

I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. Living with your boyfriend on your own can be hard enough without adding a 35 year old mooch to the mix.

It might be time to sit your boyfriend down and tell him that this is obviously upsetting you and that his brother has stepped over his boundaries. It would be one thing if the brother helped pay rent or other utilities - then he can make the rules and tell you what to do. I don't think that's the case, though. You could try to come up with a compromise with your boyfriend?

I think that the next time your boyfriend's brother comes over - stand your ground. Tell him that it is YOUR house and that he is a guest and that he needs to follow your rules. (Didn't your parents ever say "my house, my rules!"?) If he doesn't feel like complying, then I would simply call the police. If he is unwanted and has been asked to leave then he will be escorted off the premises for trespassing.

You should not have to feel this way living in your own home, and if your boyfriend cannot see that and cannot come to terms then maybe it's time to rethink the situation. I understand that family is family and nothing can change that, but it's one thing to help a family member. This is just letting him control what goes on. If the brother wants to be in control then maybe it's time for him to move out of his parents house and live on his own.

Re: Boyfriend's brother is a big problem

Thanks both of you for replying. For now, his brother seems to be coming around less thankfully. I have resolved not to speak with his brother until an apology is issued to me.