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TH Anonymous December 2nd 2017 03:19 AM

I am not ready to date but I get insecure when I see my close friend dating
 
[SIZE="a"]Hi,
I have a friend who is a guy, he has dated girls on and off. We have never dated. It is my fault because I pushed him away when he tried asking me and nowadays he doesn't ask anymore. He had dated 2 girls and I think he is starting to date a third or has already started. When I see the signs that show he is either planning to date or has started already, I get anxious and a bit jealous of the girl. It also makes me unsure of my place as a close friend to someone of the opposite gender.

I always told myself I wasn't ready to date but if I were eeady, he'd be the first person I'd want to date. Looking back he was "in love" with me but probably not anymore and I only just started catching up and am crushing on him. Still I lean towards a sexuality though so this is emotional and romantic feelings and also wanting a life partner who can also be a parent. I'm not into the sexual life. That was one of the reasons I never tried dating and probably when I told him I'm asexual is when he stopped asking. The thing is I still want biological kids as wrll as adopted. Not sure the details of biological kids. Don't think I'd have sex even if it were just for kids, which I know some asexual would do.

The thing is, this friend wants a sexual life from what I understand, so I try to convince myself that whomever he dates is a better fit. I'm still having a hard time with jealousy. I have had such a hard time with making friends in general but especially guy friends. He is literally an exception. I'd probably consider dating a girl before I consider dating a different guy.
I don't know why I'm so attached to him. Well, actually we have been very close since 2012. We first met in around 2011.
I'm scared he is going to abandon me and slowly is becoming disinterested in me. But I'm also afraid I'm slowly convincing myself that he isn't who he appears to be and basically self sabatoging my trust in him and furling my insecurities. I notice when he first starts dating someone he gives me less attention so I pretty much predict it based on the decrease in attention he gives me and other subtle things and I'm usually right. But I'm also disturbed st myself how much information I'm getting just because Facebook shows in my news feed whenever he tags his friends in a post and I noticed he kept tagging this one girl in posts about girlfriend/boyfriend kind of things. I won't get into it all but there are many signs and I hate how I'm jealous and spying and doing all this immature behavior. I should be more okay with it. I should be happy for him.

It is his right to date who he wants. I have to get that into my head.
What can i do?[/size]

Celyn December 6th 2017 02:03 PM

Re: I am not ready to date but I get insecure when I see my close friend dating
 
It's entirely possible to be close friends with someone of the opposite gender, even if they are dating someone else. He might be dating or preparing to date someone, but you'll still be his close friend. Even if there is a small decrease in contact (which can be natural in the early days of dating), you'll still be close friends.

I think it's also natural to find feelings confusing, as in, this person clearly means a lot to you and is a close friend, and though you don't feel ready to date, he would be your first choice. It's like the lines are blurred between good friends and a potential date, and this can make feelings complicated when the other person dates someone else.

Ideally, I'd like to say that he isn't going to abandon you, but obviously we don't know that for sure. But you have to have faith and trust in yourself that even if, worst case scenario, he did, you would still get through it. Even though it would be very painful and upsetting, you would pull through. It might also help, even if it's difficult, to try to stop self-sabotaging. When we worry about others abandoning us and engage in self-sabotaging behaviour, we may end up pushing the person away without realising it. We may then feel that we were right all along and that the person did abandon us. It's a bit like a self-fulfilling prophecy in a sense that we thought would happen, did happen, but perhaps we had some influence over that too.

If there is one particular girl that you seem to be preoccupied about your friend dating, perhaps you can unfollow posts that she is in? It might help in the short run.

It's not immature behaviour- you have your feelings and naturally it would be difficult to accept that a close friend may date someone else, and worry about them becoming disinterested in you. Try not to tell yourself what you 'should' be feeling, though it's okay to remind yourself that he has the right to date whoever he wants.

If he is understanding, then you could try talking to him about your fears. He might be able to reassure you, which is something you can try to remember whenever you are worried about him abandoning you. And if he does date, then try to remember that a relationship may take the front seat for a while, but he is still going to need his friends in his life. So keep treating him like a good friend and try not to self-sabotage.


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