TeenHelp - I trusted him

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I was out with my friends. I was upset, I had caught my boyfriend at the time cheating on me. I just wanted to forget everything for the night. I just wanted to feel alive. So I drank. And I drank, and I drank. My friends were scared, I could barely walk....they carried me outside and called a family member to come get me.

Her husband showed up. I remember him putting me in the back seat of the car. I don't remember anything else until I suddenly woke on the couch.

He was touching me. My dress was pushed up and he was rubbing me. I laid still just staring at him. I kept thinking, this has to be a dream.

But it wasn't. I jumped up so fast to get away but I was still so out of it from drinking. I fell down. The hard wood floor was so cold. I remember my head bouncing off the floor.

The next morning he acted as if nothing happened. I didn't know what to think or do. I just left.

A few days later I stopped at the house when he was alone and confronted him. He started screaming at me that I asked for it, he said I was begging him for it. He told me he also used his mouth on me before I woke up. He went into detail about it. I can still hear his words. I started crying and asked him how he could do that to me, I'm family and all he kept saying was I wanted it. When I started crying harder he just laughed in my face and said I better not tell anyone.

Well I had a mental break down and finally told his wife. She confronted him and he told her it wasn't true, that I'm a just a slut and I'm horrible to him behind her back and he is the victim.

So his wife begged me not to tell anyone else in the family. She took him to therapy for a little while but he still denied that it happened, he said it was all a lie. She then took him to take a polygraph test asking if he sexually assaulted me and passed.

So I'm very confused, because I woke up and felt him touching me, he then admits to me that he did it and more, yet he passed the test?

This happened 6 years ago, he took the test 4 years ago and since then his wife thinks I'm just supposed to go back to normal and be around him like nothing happened and I can't do that.

I have not spoken to him since it happened, even though he tries talking to me and will smirk at me when no one is looking. I just don't understand why he would do this...this is the same family member who drove to my ex boyfriends house and threatened his life because he found out he forced me to have sex...then he turns around and does this to me, I just can't wrap my mind around it....We were so close. He was my family, I loved him. I told him everything, things I couldn't tell my mom or anyone else in my family. We spent so much time together. It was normal for us to go to lunch together or just hang out and watch a movie together.

I thought it would get easier to get over it with time but it doesn't...

I feel like I don't even know the truth about my own body and that bothers me, it's my body I deserve to know what happened to me. I want to know why he is messing with me like this. I trusted him. I loved him. I hate myself for missing him sometimes after what he did. I just wish I never drank that night. I wish I never got in that car. I wish I never stayed the night there. I wish none of this ever happened. Now my family is no longer my safe haven. I'm always on edge trying to avoid him and ignoring comments from other family members saying I'm immature for not talking to him because his wife said it was over something stupid because people started noticing that I never speak to him anymore but no one actually asks me why.

But it's fine I'll be the black sheep and he can be the victim, but I know the truth.

Re: I trusted him

Hello there,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much hurt, frustration and confusion.

The sad reality is, sometimes the evil guy is not some distant person, but rather someone among those who are close to us i.e. family. It's shocking that someone who defended you in front of your ex-boyfriend would be the same person who'd commit such dreadful acts on you. It's natural for you to feel hurt and upset over this even though six years have passed; after all, a crime is a crime.

You've done your best at confronting him, and you've even broached the matter with his wife. That takes great courage on your part, so well-done! It's horrible that things haven't really changed though, and that he still doesn't seem to regret whatever he did. And it looks like the polygraph isn't reliable. Ultimately, you know the truth, so believe in your version of the story. There are a few things you can do:

- Had this happened with a man who wasn't family, I'd have asked you to report him to the police right away. But I understand that things might be difficult given that he's family and all. Yet, if you so wish, that is an option. Of course, it will muddy things within the family, but if you feel that it would be worth going to the police about this, then go for it.

- It seems like speaking to his wife is pointless, because you've done that before already. And from your description, she seems to be trivialising the matter, especially in front of the rest of the family. So rather than confronting them again, you can try this route instead:

I'm not one to advocate for revenge, not that you are considering this of course, because nothing good comes out of that and also because Karma is very real. Have you heard of this quote "Sit back and watch Karma do its thing,"? That's exactly what I'd advise you to do. As I've seen in my own life, the bad guys might gloat now, but the good will always have the last laugh.

Most importantly, I'd advise you to do something that will enable you to empower yourself. If you're schooling, work hard and excel at school. If you're working, work hard and make yourself successful. Either way, focus on your growth and development. When he sees you flourish, he will realise that his monstrous acts could never stop you. After all, why let him be the winner at the end of the day? When you focus on yourself, you aren't allowing anyone to get in your way, and that's probably the best way you can "get back" at him, without doing anything vengeful.

- Once you're at a better place in your life, send him and his wife a handwritten letter. Tell them that you've come a long way from that horrible night. Mention that you don't intend any bad fortune upon them, because that would make you as bad as them. Tell them that you really loved and trusted him as family, but you learnt it the hard way that even the closest can't always be trusted. And tell them that no matter how much people try covering up, the truth will always remain the truth. I think they'll get the message.

- If your other family mentions about why you aren't speaking with him, be bold and tell them the truth. Some people need to be exposed to learn their lesson.

I hope you're coping better these days. Incidents like these are unforgettable and their trauma tails us for years. You might want to look for some support groups in your area where people who've gone through similar experiences as you meet to share their stories and coping strategies. It might be beneficial to have a community you can speak with. Alternatively, speaking with a therapist is a good option too.

Take care, and remember, the good will always have the last laugh. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk about anything :hug: