TeenHelp - How to support and not smother

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How to support and not smother

I recently started going out with this guy and he within the past year lost his mother. Because I met him recently, I find it hard to know what he needs for me and don't want to overstep where I am not welcome. I have never gone through the loss of someone that close to me and even though I have gone through similar things, I can't support in a way that feels productive.

He has been pretty distant over the last few days and I don't know whether to keep the distance and follow his footsteps, or see what he needs. because this is fairly new, I don't know what exactly he needs ( or doesn't need/want) from me. Even though everybody is different and needs different things, I am open to any and all advice on the situation.

Because it is fairly new, there is always the option to end things now so he can truly work through what he needs to. Even though I don't think that's what either of us want, is it what he may need? I feel I can sometimes aid as a distraction from the problem and even though he is open and honest about his feelings surrounding it, he often goes days with little contact because he "needs time to figure it out himself" which I can completely understand. But, I don't see myself as helping in a productive way at this point and because I care about him, I can see that what he may need is to figure it out on his own.

I truly am at a loss with this. I don't have much experience with relationships in general so this is very much uncharted territory for me right now. Any and all advice is appreciated :)

Re: How to support and not smother

Honestly, the best thing you can do is ask him. If you're never sure on how deep you need to go in supporting him, ask him what h may need from you. That said, keep in mind he just lost someone, so his head is going to be all over the place. The fact you're asking him how you can help will mean something. It will matter to him that you want to be there to help him through his struggles even if he isn't truly sure what he wants right now.

If he asks for some space, give it to him, but don't be afraid to message him now and then just to make sure he's ok because after all, you are his girlfriend and you want to look after him.

We actually have an article on how to support a grieving friend which may be of use to you. You can find it here.

In terms of splitting with him, I recognise you're trying to think about what he may need, but realistically, he just lost somebody. Ask yourself, do you really want to make him lose another person? Do you feel this is something he could do with right now? You need to ask him about what he wants.

I understand you may want to be around him a lot and look after him, just remember that grief is something that can be incredibly difficult to process. Just take your time with him. Be there to help him and allow him to work through the pain of loss. :)

Re: How to support and not smother

Hello Danni!

Thanks for reaching out.

Firstly, I think it's really admirable that you're so concerned and empathetic about his situation. I think it's a great virtue.

Sarah has touched on some great points and shared a good article too. I'll just add on and also say that you could talk to him about what he exactly wants. Every person is different and so is their way of grieving. Clearly, he is pretty hard-hit by the loss of his mother and it is no surprise that there are days he wants to be by himself.

One thing that I've realised is that just being there for someone can mean so much to that person. Even if you're unable to talk to him everyday, I'm sure that your presence in his life, your concern and care towards him will go a long way in boosting his morale. He's at a low point and will greatly benefit from moral support, so I suggest you ask him if you guys can have a chat. Whenever he's ready, you can ask him about how you'd like him to support him. That way, you would know exactly what to do. This way, I don't think you'd have to worry about overstepping.

I think he needs you at this point and will appreciate that you're by his side. Even if you're unable to check in on him every day specifically about how he is feeling, asking him regularly (or at a comfortable frequency) whether he's eating properly, getting enough sleep, etc. can mean much for him.

Take care and feel free to PM me if you have any questions! :hug: