TeenHelp - Female Advice Preferred: My girlfriend told me...

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My girlfriend told me...

Ok, so I've been dating my pastor's daughter for about three months now. She randomly asked me two days ago how far I would go before marriage. I told her that I doubted I would go far as I find sex to be something special to be shared between two people who love each other. She then wanted to know what I thought about something that she described as "crazy taboo and personal" and "more scandalous than sex." I didn't know what she meant until she finally told me that it was "basically sex... with only one person..." I told her that I never thought about it because I hadn't. I asked her what she thought about it and she told me and I quote, "[i] don't think it's a good thing to do all the time... But, you know, sometimes... It's hard not to... Yeah." To say the very least, I was surprised. I don't know what to make of this. It's been causing me a lot of stress and I need to get it out. She also asked me late last night (12:00 midnight or so) "If you were with me right now... And could do anything... What would you do? Specifically?" She has expressed to me that she wants to save herself for marriage as well, but she is sending off so many different signals. I need some help here. What does she really mean by all of this?

Re: My girlfriend told me...

She's gagging for some sinful premarital sex. Use this information as you see fit.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

It seems like she has hormones as everyone does - and she may be teasing, or she may want you to actually act on it. Can you imagine all the pressure she gets from her father? Her religion?

I'm personally catholic - but the sex before marriage thing just didn't work out for me and I just like to have fun.

I think that she may be hinting that she wants to do things. How do you feel? Do you want to do anything? How far would you go? Those are questions you need to ask yourself and than maybe act on. She obviously wants to do something - but you just got to find out what she wants to do.

So here are the options you have:

-Act on whats going on. Flirt, tease, and maybe go to a new level.

-Stay where you are and not risk morals or anything else.

I'm going to be honest here because I've seen it often - if you go a long time without providing what she wants, she may cheat or move on to someone else who WILL provide and do 'things' she wants. I don't know this girl personally - but I have seen girls do it in the past.

Think about all this - and follow your morals, values, and most importantly your heart.

Best wishes,
Chris

Re: My girlfriend told me...

A couple things. Acheron, quit trolling. Thanks for your help Chris, but I'm not sure I should even try to do anything. I don't want to mess things up with her. I personally wouldn't mind doing something with her, but I still can't tell if she wants to do anything. I asked her again if she really wants to save herself for marriage, and she said, "Logically, I do want to wait until marriage for sex. But physically, emotionally... I don't know... I'm trying to control that piece of me." What does that mean? I sometimes wish she would stop speaking in what seems to be riddles.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Wolfram: I obviously don't know your girlfriend, either, but she sounds a lot like me as far as what the thread is about...

My suggestion would be this: if you're comfortable going farther than you have, try it slowly. Make sure she knows that you don't have a problem stopping if she doesn't want to.
BUT, if you don't want to, don't! Though there will be the sexual tension between you, there's really no harm in waiting as long as you both know the other is still interested.

She'll appreciate that you're not pushing and if you're right for each other, it'll happen sooner or later.

(Edit: Also, if you can be physically close without being sexual, it'll build the desire a bit, but also make you both more comfortable. If you're afraid you'll go too far, try sitting on the couch together with parents home. Just having your arms around her will make her feel secure without feeling like you're pressuring.)

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Sounds like she wants to do more sexual things without sex. However, a lot of times, this can lead to sex. Don't get me wrong, a lot of people have enough self-control to not go further, but just from my personal experience & hearing this from friends, it opens up a new door, which can lead to sex overall. If you're not ready, let her know. Don't let her pressure you into it.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolfram22 (Post 797216)

A couple things. Acheron, quit trolling.

Trolling? She's bringing up sexual topics. She's asking leading questions about what you'd like to do to her. She's practically clubbing you over the head here: maybe she doesn't want to go as far as full intercourse, but she wants to be more sexual. Like I said, use my advice as you see fit, but take it at face value.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

A girl gets very hormonal everynow and then, in a couple of weeks she'll probably regret if you do anything. So I think that wait as long as you can, maybe hold back say when you kiss her, don't provoke the emotions, maybe speak to it about her. It sounds like she doesn't want to do anything now, she's in conflict with herself. Just be careful, because when you've done it you can't go back x

Re: My girlfriend told me...

I would ask her about why she's all of a sudden interested in more being more sexual with you. If she wants to save herself for marriage, and so do you, that's awesome. Having that in common and understanding the origional intent for sex is great. But as for now, I would ask her why she's speaking this way and wanting a stronger and more sexual physical relationship. It could just be horomones as most people are saying, but it could also be something else. Maybe she feels as though the relationship isn't as strong and thinks that participating in that way will make it stronger.

Also, if you guys follow the bible, sex is created for marriage. Song of Solomon is all about the relationships between husband and wife. Maybe your girlfriend feels as though you two are closely bonded like people in marriage. However, that doesn't mean that sexual activity is accepted, and it seems like you understand that pretty well.

I really believe that talking to her and asking her about it will clear a lot of things up.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

I would have to agree with Barbara, it seems like she wants to do some sexual things, just not the actual sex. But, ii also agree with the fact that its hard to not eventually have sex. But, with some practice, and a great deal of self control, you can do it! Just make sure you both talk about it and draw a line at where you would like to never cross.
Good luck!

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Alright, so I've talked to her more about it (even though she got really embarrassed about it) and I think we've come up with a line. Well, really two lines. The first is the immovable line which is that at no point will there be a lack of clothes. The second is the one to be moved around a bit, not much but a bit, as we become a bit more comfortable with each other. Right now it's set at a "tame" kiss, but can be moved as she wishes.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Hey Ben,

You've done the right thing. You've set up a consent point between the two of you, which is stopped at taking off clothes. That is awesome. Everybody is different, and if you guys are saving yourselves for marriage, I would highly recommend you continue having the consented "How far can we go?" As you get older, or your relationship progresses, this may change. You could allow less clothes, or hand stuff (such as hand jobs/fingering). It depends on you, how far you want to go is your choice. Just make sure you are both comfortable, and don't let anybody else influence you (like anybody in here :nosweat: ) about when these decisions will be made.

Good luck!

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Hello Ben,

I know it bothers you to hear people say that 'she wants to have sex,' and I can see that you're implying that she said she didn't want to BUT these signs she's giving you can only mean one thing... I know she told you she wants to save herself for marriage and that she wasn't willing to go that far but at your/her age, her hormones are going to tell her otherwise.

I believe both theories are true. She DOES want to save herself for marriage, but at the same time, she's getting these sexual feelings/urges that go against these values. It's PERFECTLY normal at her age, and I've seen it happen a few times before. If I were you, I'd stay away from this no matter how great the urge to try it is, in order to avoid any regrets.

Good luck :), Carpe Diem.

PS. You really should listen to what these people are telling you, the signs she's giving are pretty obvious.

PSS. Sorry! Didn't realize it said 'female advice preferred!'

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Alright, Ben, I'm gonna bring back my more innocent self to try to help you out here, and I hope what I have to say makes sense.
Given that you said she's your pastor's daughter, I'm going to assume that you're both Christians, and by the sound of it, you both seem to be pretty into following God. I'm no theology major, but I do know that the Bible says that lustful feelings (which is what your girlfriend is having and is trying to get you to help her act on) are sinful when acted on. Your girlfriend may or may not know this, but it would be best to bring this up. I know there's a part of Matthew which talks about looking at a woman lustfully, and lustful words are mentioned again in 2nd Peter 2 (I looked it up on biblegateway), but this is legitimately one of the biggest struggles adolescent Christians go through. Assuming you believe everything in the bible is 100% truth, what your girlfriend wants to do is in fact sinning, there's no way around that.
I definitely applaud you for holding to your morals in this. It really takes a good man to say no when his significant other wants to push those lines, so that's definitely commendable. I really hope this info helped you out a little bit. Good luck :)

~Summer

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Ok, I want to clear a few things up.
Coffee: These lines were more set up by her than me. I still had a say in them, but the exact terms were hers. Not to say I don't agree with them though. I wholeheartedly agree, I just don't want to take credit for it.
Carpe Diem: She is actually two years older than I am. She turns 18 on the first of February.
Demon: Yes we are both Lutheran, but neither of us are exactly as devout as it would seem.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Good way of going about it, I think. Just make sure not to put yourselves in situations (home, alone) where it would be too tempting to push those lines. And reevaluate as needed.
Good luck!!

Re: My girlfriend told me...

OK, here's what I think is going on: often preacher's daughters want to do something sexual to prove to themselves that they're not the goodie-goodies they think they're supposed to be as preacher's daughters.

You're two years younger than she is so you're "safe". She could fool around with you without the risk of being obligated to a "relationship" since you're "too young for her"and Also, I'm sure she feels like she'll have more control over the situation. You're not likely to get aggressive and demand sex. And what if you told someone? She's off to college soon and you're still in HS.

If you want to do something with her you're old enough to know what you're doing and I don't see any harm in it at all. Since she's 'saving herself for marriage' she's not going to want to go farther than oral, and that's ok since there's very little risk in that. Relax, have fun and enjoy cuddling if you want to. Looks like she does.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaguar (Post 797928)

You're two years younger than she is so you're "safe". She could fool around with you without the risk of being obligated to a "relationship" since you're "too young for her"

Wait, wait, wait. That is not what I was getting at at all when I said she was two years older than I am. She by no means thinks I'm too young for her. And she is obligated to a relationship, just not a sexual one.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

OK. I still think she wants to fool around.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Sounds like you two are struggling with temptation by wanting to act on feelings. It’s only human to have those feelings but to act on it before marriage is a sin. Yes, having sex before marriage (fornication) is a sin. God's will can overcome any temptation. If you feel you have the strength alone to conquer any temptation, you are setting yourself up for trouble. Man is known for falling into sin, especially when there is overconfidence in the self. Keep your eyes on God, and allow God to help set boundaries so you can resist the temptation. The Bible is full of helpful advice when it comes to coping with temptation, and it can be a useful tool.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolfram22 (Post 796603)

Ok, so I've been dating my pastor's daughter for about three months now.

I think that deserves a brofist right there. A pastor's daughter? You daredevil, you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolfram22 (Post 796603)

She randomly asked me two days ago how far I would go before marriage. I told her that I doubted I would go far as I find sex to be something special to be shared between two people who love each other.

You've been dating this woman for 3 months, so do you believe that you love her? If you believe that you love her, then sex is an option.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolfram22 (Post 796603)

She then wanted to know what I thought about something that she described as "crazy taboo and personal" and "more scandalous than sex." I didn't know what she meant until she finally told me that it was "basically sex... with only one person..." I told her that I never thought about it because I hadn't. I asked her what she thought about it and she told me and I quote, "[i] don't think it's a good thing to do all the time... But, you know, sometimes... It's hard not to... Yeah."

It's pretty obvious that she's throwing herself at you. She's been dating you for three months and is considering the possibility of having sex with you, even though you seem to be attending church on a regular basis.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolfram22 (Post 796603)

To say the very least, I was surprised. I don't know what to make of this. It's been causing me a lot of stress and I need to get it out.

You need to ask yourself the question...why are you stressed out in the first place. You have a girlfriend who is potentially willing to have premarital sex with you, and you're not sure if you should go against that or not. Consider this...do you think it is because it's the pastor's daughter that you are concerned? Do you feel that, perhaps, her father will disown her if he were to find out that his own daughter had premarital sex? Would you feel that you would be banned from the church? When you make sense of it all, exclude the fact that the father of the woman you're dating is a pastor and pretend he's just like any other father. Also, I think it's important to understand that marriage is not an indication whether or not someone loves another person. You don't have to get married to love someone, so if you feel that you will only have sex with her when you're married because you feel that marriage will only show that you truly love someone, I don't think that's true. If you love her and would like to have sex with her, then base the decision solely on whether or not you're willing to live that kind of sin, and that alone. I think that may clear some things up to make your decision a little bit more confident.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolfram22 (Post 796603)

She also asked me late last night (12:00 midnight or so) "If you were with me right now... And could do anything... What would you do? Specifically?" She has expressed to me that she wants to save herself for marriage as well, but she is sending off so many different signals.

People will always have temptation, and sometimes people get a little carried away. You need to have a talk with her about her expressing herself because if she continues to express herself in a sexual manner, then you're either going to be teased to the point that you'll leave her, or masturbate 10 times a day until your penis falls off.

A lot of women say that they're "saving it for marriage," but the truth of the matter is that...most women really mean that they're saving it for someone worth the potential sin. Anyone can say that they're saving it for marriage. A year or so ago, I was saying that I'm saving it for marriage...but that's only because I couldn't find anyone who would date me! Just because she says she is doesn't automatically mean she actually is, because she could very well be wanting to have sex when a good opportunity comes up, and it seems to me that she's knocking on your door. For whatever reason, maybe she feels that she loves you or maybe she just feels...to hell with this, I'm sick of being a pastor's daughter. I wanna be a daughter, and I wanna fuck! Whatever the reason, you need to have a chat with her about future plans, and if you're willing to proceed with whatever she offers you, make sure that it's worth it. If you claim to be religious, you potentially know the consequences.

Re: My girlfriend told me...

She is a teenager. Even daughters of religious leaders think about sex and pleasure; they are not exempt from going through the same thing everyone else does just because her family was called to build a career out of being God's messenger.

The thing is, this is not really a surprising statement. Even aside from the fact that it's normal to want to masturbate, I've met many teens or adults who came from devout families and were masturbating and often having sex behind their parents' backs. It's the "forbidden fruit" concept. You've spent your entire life being told something is wrong and, as you mature, naturally start questioning why this is. I am not saying that's exactly what is going on with her, but it may be a reason why she's experiencing this.

I am not going to advise you two to have or not have sex, because in the end it's your choice to make, based on your relationship and no one else's. But I would advise you to be careful, even just discussing hypothetical "what would you do with me"s. If that goes down a path you are not ready for, it might not feel so great later. You only get one virginity. Once it's gone, you can't get it back.

When it's a situation where someone is going, "Damn, I want to wait until marriage, but I have a wonderful, attractive girl/boyfriend in the present," I suggest waiting before going ahead with it. Breaking what you really hold as a strong value, no matter if it's clouded by what is right in front of you, is generally a poor decision that will have a bad after taste.

However, if you two look at it and decide you feel 100% okay with advancing further sexually, then there is no reason why you shouldn't. It's your choice and your lives; not her father's life. What others think shouldn't keep you from having sex.

Like I said, it's your choice, but think carefully. Be sure either way it is what YOU really want.