[Twinge]

I've come across this thread again by accident, then I saw my reply... honestly, I don't recognize myself from back then, or what I wrote there four years ago. But in a way it motivates me to stick around to find out who I'll turn into for the next years. I'm hoping for better because I feel like failing and giving up. I can't say it enough. I'm tired.
Afraid of turning into a mediocre person without a way to go back. So much to do ugh. I'm far from doing it.

Sometimes I question this site for reals. It's like it helped me get better each time for short period of time, then it dragged me down for another good amount of time. The more complicated I get, and the more I see through things, the harder it is to help me, because I've lost most of my will to fight, to say the least. The more I know, the less I'm sure about who I am. I don't know who I am. Anymore.

So that's what I want to do before I die (not sure how I will but oh well) - I want to discover myself.
Also, I want to travel. A lot. Because the second possibility behind my suicidal feelings is being trapped in one place, especially after I spent months traveling last year. And that had a huge effect on me. I could breathe and be myself around myself although I knew a lot more and enough to see through my self deluding mind. So I was pretty much the same person I am right now but much more stable and less dependent on varying mystery and other obnoxious things.
I want to fulfill my dreams, get out of the country and build my individualistic way towards having a "career" in multiple art fields. I want to tell my story and spread the word, I want to share my world. I don't need to, but I believe I should at least try because it is a unique field of vast dimensions that I remain to go through and these are stories nobody has told before. Basing on what I've learned from artists that went into history, it is worth it as long as I have a story to tell. Honestly, I have too many... so many I'm mentally behind my own imagination lately. This is like a mission unfulfilled.
I want to discover the deepest layers of my own spirituality and complete the idea of belief of mentality at all... personal topic so I don't want to elaborate unless in private.
I think I found someone right for me. I want to make it work, make things right. Even if that means risk, to a certain level. I just want to correct the wrongs and not let another important person slip away. A person that can actually fuel me and push me to becoming my possible best one day, with that I can do the same for him. Even if I don't deserve such an amazing person since I'm stupid and greedy to the point I'm irrational within the relationship. It could be the second and last time I'm falling in love for good, only that this is incredibly serious compared to first and other times. And I don't believe in third chances. I don't. When it comes to this, who can? It's too unique of a feeling, experienced people would agree with me. No way I'm going to get a chance like this ever again in this life. It's such a scary thought. But it's true. There is no one else like this one person on Earth. That made me to this imperfect point (with only his presence), yet special I can't explain in words. I can only exclaim it.
I have my vision of reality, which includes what I wish to do. I want to do a lot of crazy things and try whatever the new there is, when I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone. And I won't care about what others say. I want to live. But I could be too optimistic when I say that. I'll expect the worst today... in 5 minutes maybe I'll break down. I just don't know. At least I can come back to this thread or check behind myself at all. For some comfort.

I wanted to make this post instead of a thread or blog entry, just want it here without public replies. The thread though, is about self reflection of a person who is on the road to death. I'm on the uncertain road to death just like everyone else, as far as mortality goes.
And I am self reflecting. This was truly brief.