[NeuroBeautiful]

My father left the country for 3 months. He had been the main financial provider in my childhood up untweil now. (Although I lived with my graparents for some time but I'm trying to stay relevant)

I am living with 2 sisters at the moment. My third sister is doing study abroad. My father left money for food but not enough to last. We have about $20 dollars left. He said he would send us more but didn't yet. We also got approved for food stamps and it hasn't come yet.

My older sister is the oldest, she works as a tutor self employed. She does not do well with conventional job settings. She also dtopped out of college and hasnt gone back and suffers with mental health problems but has improved alot. She also is often accuaed of not being engaged and "being too much in lala land" I am too but not always

Ten there's me and I handle all the responsibilities and housework. Even when my dad was here it would be me and him. I was like the little mom but it is stressful. And I'm suspecting maybe I have a learning difficulty like dyspraxia but never got assessed. I have several reasons to think so. But it could also be that it is a mix of that I have bad performance anxiety, I am left handed and right brain dominant so I have a different skill set than most people and am a highly anxious person in general. I've been anxious since I was a kid. And I've struggled with all the things people with dyspraxia struggle with but I don't know if maybe all my opportunities to learn were in stressful environments. Because my ability seems inconsistent and changes based on the environment I'm in although I still have a general struggle no matter what. Like even today volunteering, I had fun even though I was clumsy. I think part of that had to do with the fact that it was an event for kids with special needs so no one was mean or scolded me when I messed up. It was nice to receive acceptance for the way I am.

But that's not always the case and I've had some stressful paid work as well as volunteer experiences that makes me truly frightened to return to work. I also don't know if I have a disorder or if there's just something wrong with me o if having been picked on so much thst now i have insecutities for things im not that terrible in. But thrn why would people treat me like im a failure? And also I observe myself and I'm very ambiguous because my difficulty doesn't always manifest clearly but it is still there.

anyway...my father also owes me money so now my savings is gone and the money I earned and i need a job but im scared of more bad experiences. I keep replaying it.