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Extreme self harm thoughts -
June 3rd 2018, 11:22 AM
This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.
I am having extreme thoughts of self harm. I don't really need alternatives because I've been harming myself for so long that I know that I just have to figure out how to get through this. Unfortunately, for me, alternatives haven't ever really worked and I used to get through urges through 'will power'. Mainly just reminding myself that I have an event coming up and can't be hospitalized.
I start work on Monday so that could be a triggered as I am nervous and excited. I know I can't do severe self harm while working but I also know that I can get away without medical treatment for the most part. Something I've learned over the years of self harm. I shouldn't have stopped myself from getting help but they would have hospitalized me and for self harm that doesn't help me.
Anyway, I am looking into a certain form to see how much damage I could do. Not so that I could do that damage but so that I can harm myself and avoid the damage. If I don't do enough damage I should be find with intervention. I could get an infection but then I'd go to urgent care and it's likely they wouldn't do anything...especially if I came up with a lie.
Long story short, I am close to two years self harm free and I am sitting her wondering how much damage I could do without ruining my chances and losing the job.
I need help to change my thinking. Should I tell myself I'll put it off till Friday night and keep extending is?
Any suggestions would be great. I have the tools to not cut but don't really care. I do care about losing my job but...I know how things work and I wouldn't risk that.
(Trying to avoid giving ideas so I am being vague)
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