[Clarent]

23 (hitting 24 this December) year old dude. No major, have finished high school but never attended anything past that (went to an adult school for an IT course, but I didn't pass the final exams, partially due to shitty teachers, partially due to neglect, coming from not actually wanting to pursue that field).

Currently stuck in shitty job in a factory, physically exhausting and mentally less than pleasing (better than my previous one, but yeah). The pay isn't horrible, but it's more the feeling of being the easiest to replace, most meaningless cog that's eating away at me.

I feel like such a wasted potential... I know I'm intelligent and can be passionate, but I'm so numb and disconnected from the world, even the simplest things like leaving my fucking home feel like achievements. I've got a useless family, more busy fighting and complaining about each other than engaging in emotional life of their fellow members, no real friends, and the only person I feel genuinely emotionally close to is my younger brother, but I can't exactly drop all my weight on a 15 yo boy, can I? It would be just cruel...

I'd like to say something like "I want to enjoy life again", but honestly, I... I don't know if I do. I don't want to keep trying, I don't want to be putting the effort anymore. I don't want to keep relying on sleeping meds to even get some actual rest at night, I don't want to constantly repeat the same scenarios over and over in my head.

I regret so many stupid things in my life, I feel like I'm 40, and I haven't even fucked once in my life yet. I spend my days playing video games, listening to music and wanking to shitty porn. It's more of a habit now, rather than a thing I actually, honestly enjoy. I can't even really get drunk, cause my alcohol tolerance is borderline retarded, and buying larger amounts of alcohol genuinely makes me feel guilty and worried about addiction.

And the fucking worst thing? IT'S NOT EVEN THE LOWEST IM AT. Truth to be told, my life has been improving rather steadily, I made a larger jump in the last two years or so, than I did through my middle and high school combined... I've got a car, a paying job (shitty, yeah, but they haven't missed a payment yet, and my workmates aren't bad people), I can splurge a little on myself and not suffer for that, and yet... I feel so useless, like such a failure.

I feel like I should have achieved more by now, and this weird guilt-like feeling is corroding me inside everytime my thoughts wander off. Constant anxiety and insecurity, courtesy of a fucked up period in high school, bullying and family problems, means that even free weekends aren't much of a rest, cause I'm always worried I messed something up at work, or something upsets me otherwise.

There are times when I want to cry, but... what's even the point? It's a periodic improvement, it'll all return sooner or later. It never leaves, does it...