[Thinking]

I am really tired of this life.

I really hate why I had to work so hard on everything, while so many other people have it easy. I feel that I made bad choices that damaged my life financially.

I even met the girl of my dreams, but I don't deserve her at all. She admire me for my personality, but she doesn't know that my life is a mess.


Whatever I do, no matter how good I am, it is never enough.

People do not even need to be "good" to live a comfortable and happy life, while I had to struggle in every possible way.

And the fact that I don't even know how my future looks like makes me very depressed.

I can't bring her into this mess. Not especially when she already had an easy and happy life.


What should I even work hard towards anymore?

I want to do math research but it won't pay me as much as I needed.

I want to do a PhD but I need a scholarship, which I could have payed if I didn't screw up my decisions by paying for my undergraduate already.

I don't even know if I can continue a Masters.

I gradually come to hate math because I am not able to do it as a career. I hate my own gift. It is something that is given to me just to make me suffer.

What is there to be happy, really? I am just sacrificing everything in my life just to survive.


I want to be good enough, but I am tired, it is never enough. I just want to have a happy family and a career I enjoy, but just these two simple wish is so difficult.

I am never good enough, not this life. In any other life I would have easily done so, but no there is no other life.

I am really tired. I hate feeling sadness and stress and loneliness every single hour while I had to suppress them working on my studies.

Because even if I got PhD, then what?


I still have to work for something I don't like just to earn enough for my family. I didn't come from a good background so everything/everyone depends on me.

People see sadness/depression as a temporal thing. It is something that weighs on me for a lifetime.

I am tired.