[Mallika]

Hi Rakesh,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us here on TeenHelp. I'm sorry that you're going through such a complicated situation, but as with most things, there will be a way to resolution.

As you mentioned, is evident that both your wife and mother need you. So, the solution to this would be one that would make both happy.

Let's talk about your mother first. She is an elderly lady, and like many people her age, she has certain ailments as you mentioned. Her behaviour as you described could possibly be out of her control; she might not be intentionally behaving that way but rather, it's the result of her ailments. This probably means that she needs special care. Now, are you and your wife her sole caregivers (i.e. look after her needs on a daily basis), or is there someone at home (e.g. a nurse) who looks after her? If your wife has to do the looking-after, it might be difficult for her to interact closely with your mother daily given her own traumatic past. In this case, perhaps you might want to consider hiring a nurse who stays at your home to specially look after your mother? This is not uncommon in India and is perhaps the best way you can feel at peace about caring for your mother, because you're letting someone professional look after her while she still has the joy of living under your roof, with her son, daughter-in-law and grandchild. The reason I emphasise this is because many elderly people in India fear that their children will leave them at an old folks' home; which wouldn't be a compassionate thing to do since they are already sick, old and frail. So if you haven't already, you might want to hire a nurse who will stay your place/visit everyday to specially look after your mother. This way, your mother can still stay with you and it would definitely go a long way for your wife too.

Regarding your wife, past trauma can never be underestimated. If your wife is suffering on a regular basis while being reminded of her father, it is perhaps best to seek therapy/professional counselling. I understand that going to the counsellor/therapist is heavily stigmatised in India, however, it your wife's mental wellbeing we're talking about here. It's better to resolve her internal turmoil and fears rather than allow them to consume her peace from within. Your wife is still very young and you both now have a baby (congratulations!), so it's important that your wife is given a means to cope with her past. Nowadays, you can attend therapy sessions from licensed therapists online as well. Here are some links to some useful websites:
https://www.manastha.com
https://www.betterlyf.com

I'm sure you're already being a great husband, so from time to time you can reassure your wife that she's in safe hands with you and that she can always confide in you if she wishes to speak about her past, or about any matter that is troubling her. Of course, like Eli mentioned, that alone isn't sufficient; while you can continue showing her all your support, it would be best to seek some professional therapy as previously described. As for your mother, continue showing your love and care to her. You can sit with her, chat to her, make her smile, and I'm sure she'll be very happy.

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to balance the needs of your mother as well as your wife. Remember that love and patience conquers all; continue being your caring self to both of them. When responsibilities become overbearing, you'll no doubt feel overwhelmed, so remember to also take good care of your own physical and mental health.

I hope things will work out very soon. Take care!