[Celyn]

Hey there,

First of all, I think it's brave of you to be posting this thread, especially since it's your first time. It can definitely be nerve wracking seeking help, especially when it comes to porn/sex addiction. But recognising and reaching out are the first steps when dealing with any kind of addiction so well done you for posting here.

Most people have 'two sides' to them as many people may not share with others their thoughts and feelings. Although I do understand that when it comes to mental health, having 'two sides' to you can seem more prominent the larger the 'gap' between these sides may appear. You are a caring person with interesting hobbies and you feel shy, anxious and depressed. This is okay and it does not mean that you are 'broken' at all. I also think it's very understandable that, after having lost family members to suicide and struggling with mental health yourself, you would be worried about going down the same route. But this isn't guaranteed at all. Recovery from addiction and mental illness is possible.

I'm sorry to hear that you were inadvertently exposed to pornography at the age of 8. You were young and had no understanding of pornography. Unfortunately, being exposed to sex and pornography at such a young age with no understanding can create difficulties such as struggling with addiction to porn/sex.

It's really good that you reached out to your mom and even better that she helped you. I'm wondering if there was anything that you or your mom did last time that helped you to avoid pornography and whether you can do that again?

It also sounds like moving may have triggered a relapse? Relapses happen, sometimes during times of change or when we may be struggling a bit, and that's okay. This does not make you a monster at all. It sounds like you are struggling a lot with the things that you've seen and this has affected your mental state- causing you to feel detached from friends, zoning out, feeling suicidal and drinking. It's good that you told your mother you need a counsellor. She doesn't have to know the reason why and I hope that you are able to get in touch with a counsellor soon.

It might help to reframe how you feel about yourself and your addiction. You are a good person, who unfortunately was exposed to pornography at a young age and as a result, have developed an addiction. But you were able to stop the addiction before, and you will be able to do this again. Having a relapse can be common and does not mean that you are a monster. It can help to reframe your thoughts and feelings and challenge any unhelpful beliefs that you may have. Often it's these negative thoughts that we believe that can spiral and lead us to feel worse. Challenging our thoughts can help prevent this a bit. It might also help to distract yourself a bit- for example, you seem a bit distant from your friends, so maybe it might help to reconnect with them. They don't necessarily need to know why you have been distant but that you need their support at the moment, even if it's just to take your mind off your thoughts.

Watching pornography, or having sexual thoughts, are not necessarily bad per say. It can be hard to resist a temptation but you have the option of either going cold turkey again, or attempting to cut down on the time you spend watching/thinking of porn. Set yourself a limit and over a few weeks, try and cut down, even if it's just a few minutes at a time. It may be impossible to say that you'll never have these thoughts or urges again, as they may be partly natural and partly to do with your experience. But it should not consume your life or affect your mental wellbeing. Also, pay attention to your triggers- are there particular times that trigger you into watching/thinking of porn? For example, if you notice you do this more when you are bored or on your own then it might help to find activities you can do to ease boredom and prevent you from being on your own too much.

Really hope that you are able to have counselling as counsellors are best placed to help with addiction. We are always here for you too. Hope this helps a bit