[Ennui.]

I know I'm late responding to this.

I have been having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I have endured trauma. Part of it was emotional abuse. My parents were very well-meaning but there were times where I did experience emotional abuse towards them, and it made things very difficult for seeking help. I don't talk to them about things like mental health nowadays and it makes it hard to be open and honest. I've done a lot of sneaking around, such as getting my meds in secret (thankfully my sister helped before I got the option to get them delivered), saying I'm going out with a friend when I'm really seeing a mental health professional, etc. Thankfully being an adult has opened doors for me in that aspect, but I'm still living downstairs from my parents and don't drive so there are some limitations.

The other thing I realize was probably traumatic to me was my father's health issues growing up. He had cancer when I was in the fourth grade and at first they thought he was going to die. Thankfully he is still here with us, but watching him go through treatments was obviously not a fun time for a child. Nowadays he has had a lot more scares and my mom has had a few health scares too, so I am unfortunately still dealing with that and sometimes still have nightmares about it. I do have things I have to worry about with my health still and things I need to get under control, but it has taught me not to smoke and things like that. I'm also better prepared to deal with my own doctors and healthcare providers and I am willing to seek second opinions. I'm the point person for their own health communications nowadays, which helps.