[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this!

I know that swimsuit images aren't illegal, but I wouldn't search for those things anymore. It's a slippery slope for sure, and I know that you don't want to do anything immoral.

I think that this is something you should speak to an adult about, like a therapist or guidance counselor. They may have to report it to your parents given the nature of what is being discussed, but the important thing is you'd be getting advice from someone who is unbiased and won't judge you. Your parents may also be able to help you by putting parental controls on your computer or phone so you aren't able to look up images like this anymore. You can let them know you'd never act on your thoughts with an actual person, but that you know it still isn't right to be looking up images of this nature.

When you get thoughts about little boys, I would try to remind yourself of the reasons why it isn't okay to act on these thoughts. Maybe even write a list in your phone or on a piece of paper. For example, while dysphoria is one thing, young children are still minors. Think of other reasons why Also recognize that these could be intrusive thoughts. Let the thoughts pass without judgement or engaging in them. Maybe find things to do to distract yourself, like exercise, writing, drawing, reading, video games, or other things that you enjoy. When you get urges, turn off your phone and laptop and do things that don't involve the Internet so you don't get tempted to search for things. This explains more about intrusive thoughts. They get easier to deal with over time, but acting on them doesn't help.

Some of the things I mentioned like exercise, writing, etc, are things you can do as alternatives to hurting yourself as well. I see you have a lot of deep guilt, and you don't want to add to it by harming yourself. Self harm may take away the pain in the moment, but it always comes back with a vengeance, and I know you don't want that.

You can do this!

Dez