[Ennui.]

Hey,

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and I'm sorry to hear that.

It definitely sounds like you could be depressed or suffering from some form of mental illness. While seeing a specialist is ideal, I understand that this isn't possible for everyone depending on their circumstances. If you do want to talk to someone about it, maybe you can see if your parents can make you an appointment with a therapist, or even start out with your primary care physician and see what they say and go from there.

I think the good thing is you identified some of the things that have made you upset, such as the porn addiction and homophobic things. If you've ever unsure of what is triggering you, one thing you can do is keep a journal to try and notice patterns. You can write down what was happening and when it happened, where you were, and the thoughts and feelings that came up for you. Then you can look back at this and see if there are any patterns or situations that jump out at you. Journaling also helps because it gives you an outlet. Is there anything you like to do to express yourself, such as art, making music, or writing? Those are all great ways to vent about what you are feeling in a safe way.

This is an extensive list of alternatives for when you want to hurt yourself or starve yourself. There are tons to choose from, so if one doesn't work then there are plenty more to try. Try and find a few alternatives you can add to your toolkit when things are getting hard. My favorite alternative is the TIPP skill. The T stands for temperature, so you change your body's temperature. For example, dunk your head in ice water, take a cold shower, or put an ice pack on the back of your neck. The I is for intense exercise, so things like going for a run. The first P is for paced breathing. The goal is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in, such as breathing in for four seconds then out for six. The other P is for progressive muscle relaxation. There are guided exercises for this on YouTube.

Try and find little things to live for. For example, this one may sound silly but I'm putting off harming myself due to the fact I have library books checked out and can't not return them. Then when they're due to be returned, I plan on checking out more books so the cycle can repeat itself. You can live because you're interested in a new video game that's coming out and you want to beat the game. Or, a new movie is coming out and you want to see it first. When you accomplish one thing, you find something else to strive for.

Also try and make note of the little pleasures and writing them down. For example, you watched your favorite movie or there was nice weather out. Someone held the door for you in public. Someone smiled at you. Just simple things. These things add up and it can help to be reminded of them when you're feeling low.

It sounds like you've found some alternatives to watching porn, although I understand that it's difficult to continue with hobbies when you're depressed. Some Internet browsers allow you to block certain types of sites, so if you're worried about watching porn again that's something to consider. I don't think there's anything wrong with having certain fetishes either, as long as the people involved are able to consent. Just because you watch these things doesn't mean you'd act on them in person.

I know it's hard now, but things do get better with time and effort. It's not easy, and you do have to put the work in, but things can improve. You've got this!