Triggering: Why am I sad all the time

[Hellohi]

(warning self harm mentions & porn addiction is mentioned at the end)
I'm a bit scared to post this because I don't wanna shadow posts of people who are definitely struggling. But I think there is something wrong with me...
When I was eleven I was starving myself and neglecting regularly due to a mix of different feelings. Ever since I've turned thirteen (I'm almost fourteen now) I started scratching myself withedited when I felt very emotional and couldn't make out my own feelings. Some months are more miserable and I cry multiple times a week in them because of hopelessness. I cry when people say something they weren't aware hurts me personally because I'm struggling in silence with some things. Like about porn addiction, homophobic things, and stuff like that. Because some things go much deeper for me than they think. Sometimes I just cry because life sucks. Sometimes I think about what would happen If I killed myself. I'm such a crybaby, for seemingly no reason. I might be mental, or have depression. But I've never seen a specialist. I have violent thoughts sometimes. What should I do when I'm sad instead of hurt myself? Just what should I do? I've been unmotivated, and starved myself often for a few years. But it has never been so severe. I didn't even know in words why I was hard on myself at first, I just did it, but now I know. I feel like this all bad for my health. I'm weak, unmotivated, and sad all the time and have been
a bit underweight multiple times and still cut a bit close. Porn addiction use to make me hurt myself a little for a while, I thought it was problematic and I felt ashamed and mad at myself. Well eh I stopped letting it bother me and now I usually treat it like no big deal when it comes to my health. I get h*rny regularly and it takes the same amount of time to masturbate without it. The only concern I have when I watch porn, I find myself interested in weird fetishes I usually don't care about when I'm masturbating without it. Also I pretty much stop using porn as long as I try to partake in hobbies instead of be unmotivated. Which usually isn't the case when I'm feeling depressed...

You can ignore the addiction part if anyone replies this. It isn't really the point.

Thank you.

[Ennui.]

Hey,

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and I'm sorry to hear that.

It definitely sounds like you could be depressed or suffering from some form of mental illness. While seeing a specialist is ideal, I understand that this isn't possible for everyone depending on their circumstances. If you do want to talk to someone about it, maybe you can see if your parents can make you an appointment with a therapist, or even start out with your primary care physician and see what they say and go from there.

I think the good thing is you identified some of the things that have made you upset, such as the porn addiction and homophobic things. If you've ever unsure of what is triggering you, one thing you can do is keep a journal to try and notice patterns. You can write down what was happening and when it happened, where you were, and the thoughts and feelings that came up for you. Then you can look back at this and see if there are any patterns or situations that jump out at you. Journaling also helps because it gives you an outlet. Is there anything you like to do to express yourself, such as art, making music, or writing? Those are all great ways to vent about what you are feeling in a safe way.

This is an extensive list of alternatives for when you want to hurt yourself or starve yourself. There are tons to choose from, so if one doesn't work then there are plenty more to try. Try and find a few alternatives you can add to your toolkit when things are getting hard. My favorite alternative is the TIPP skill. The T stands for temperature, so you change your body's temperature. For example, dunk your head in ice water, take a cold shower, or put an ice pack on the back of your neck. The I is for intense exercise, so things like going for a run. The first P is for paced breathing. The goal is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in, such as breathing in for four seconds then out for six. The other P is for progressive muscle relaxation. There are guided exercises for this on YouTube.

Try and find little things to live for. For example, this one may sound silly but I'm putting off harming myself due to the fact I have library books checked out and can't not return them. Then when they're due to be returned, I plan on checking out more books so the cycle can repeat itself. You can live because you're interested in a new video game that's coming out and you want to beat the game. Or, a new movie is coming out and you want to see it first. When you accomplish one thing, you find something else to strive for.

Also try and make note of the little pleasures and writing them down. For example, you watched your favorite movie or there was nice weather out. Someone held the door for you in public. Someone smiled at you. Just simple things. These things add up and it can help to be reminded of them when you're feeling low.

It sounds like you've found some alternatives to watching porn, although I understand that it's difficult to continue with hobbies when you're depressed. Some Internet browsers allow you to block certain types of sites, so if you're worried about watching porn again that's something to consider. I don't think there's anything wrong with having certain fetishes either, as long as the people involved are able to consent. Just because you watch these things doesn't mean you'd act on them in person.

I know it's hard now, but things do get better with time and effort. It's not easy, and you do have to put the work in, but things can improve. You've got this!

[Hellohi]

Thank you for all of the useful information Ennui.
I will look into things you suggested. I will focus on trying to improve things instead of worrying about my addiction. I'm confident it will go away when I become more focused with things in daily life, because it has for a long time before.
Thank you.

[Cherrylicious]

The thing to know about porn, because you’re very young for a porn addiction, it that: just because it’s on the internet doesn’t make it legal. If any of the porn actresses you’re watching are being exploited and raped and you’re getting off to it, this could be causing the depression and suicidality. If they’re underage, you could go to jail on child porn charges just for watching. So that’s something to know about the internet: just because it’s available doesn’t make it legal.

Have you talked to your school counselor about this crying thing? A school counselor can even refer you to a therapist if they suspect major depression.

I would recommend clearing your room of all the tools/weapons you might use to hurt yourself. Since you’re still so young, your brain has not yet matured to develop impulse control. You need to make your room safe by clearing out the potentially harmful objects so you don’t hurt yourself.

Signing up for an extracurricular activity will help get you out of the house and away from the tech that’s a problem for your porn addiction. It’ll help your occupy your time so you don’t have a chance to sit around alone in your room and get depressed. Maybe there’s a homework club at your school? That would help because it sounds like you have a hard time being productive alone in your room.

The best way to get better from depression is to stop doing the activities and behaviors that you know make you miserable. You’re not setting yourself up for success with these lifestyle choices. Habits like these can become ingrained and that’ll really mess up your future. No one is sympathetic to a porn addiction; society is concerned about the women and girls being exploited on screen…and choosing to watch makes you an exploitor. No excuses for this one.

Try to get out more! Biking is really good exercise and can take your mind off things (be sure to wear a helmet!); or a meditation class could help.

Some advice from growing up as a girl: clean your room and set it up as a safe haven where you will take care of your mental health, and be unable to relapse into addiction. Keep a journal by your bed to record your dreams and track your mood. You can write down gratitudes for the day or even vent about what’s really bothering you in a journal. I recommend blank pages rather than lined.