Triggering (Abuse): depression & child abuse (sh tw)

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]ok so this will be long.......
since i was younger my mom would hit me as a punishment. not always ofc, only when shes mad and i actually did do soemthing wrong. i remember when my mom first hitted me (i was like 4 years old?) where it actually hurted, i was scared, scared that she will go to hell bc of it. i was young and didnt want to accept the fact that my mom is doing something wrong, so i told myself that its completely normal and how kids are supposed to be punished. my whole family is like that, so when i saw my cousins getting beaten up by their mom, it made me even believe more that its ok. my mom always told me never to tell it anyone, not even my classmates, teachers, closest friends, etc, bc if i do, i will get taken away from her and my other family members. she sometimes even showed me and my sister videos of kids getting taken away and she told me this is happening to them bc they told their teachers. ofc i didnt want that to happen to me so i never talked abt it. also my younger sibling, who im 3 years oler, also got beaten up. we both always fighted and hit eachother brutally, which i think is bc of my moms actions, we saw that she hits us when shes mad at us so we hit eachother when we were mad. and i have to admit, my sister got very brutally beaten up. i remember her beaten up face. just thinking of it makes me cry. im so sorry for her shes so young and had to go thru this shes so poor and small and weak why did my mom do that? why would she beat her child who is only attending primary school? and i feel so awful bc most of the times it was bc of me, i always picked fights with her and she got aggressive and then beaten up by my mom. im so sorry i feel like the worst older sibling ever she didnt deserve that. i remember when my mom once beated her up so bad that she didnt go to school for a whole fucking week. and she was only in primary school back then. she wasnt even 10. theres even more but i guess you can see a pixture how everything is like. so basically i still thought thats normal until i once got beaten up by mom again bc i didnt make my bed or didnt clean the kitchen i dont rly remember. i got bruises and scars over my body then.thats where i started to realise.this isnt right. why would i get beaten up so bad just because i did something so small? before, i would avoid any conversation, video or anything else about child abuse and think that those ppl are wrong and stupid and thats why their children apparently behave bad. well i finally stop running away from these and read an article abt child abuse etc. when i found out thats abuse i cried so bad. and thats how i started getting depression. it wasnt that bad before, like yk i could live with it, until summer break started (june) where it got worse and august was the worst, i couldnt stand up of my bed, would starve myself and cry every second minute. and then my dad would come in and say "oh my youre always on ur bed!!!!!!! ure never doing anything!!!!" and complaind lije that which didnt make anything better. it got so-what better a month after, like its still the same but i can stand up and eat atleast a meal in a day. i sometimes get a sudden wave of sadness and get like really depressed and suixidal, even when i was feeling ok before. i am pretty much suicidal i guess idk does it count as suixidal when i k ow i will never attempt it? bc i wont. its a sin in my religion and i dont want to commit that. another thing is my parents are sexist. i have an older brother (17yo) and im literally the one having to fold his underwear and put them in his closet, but he & my dad can ABSOLUTELY not see my sisters, moms or my underwear (according to my mother). me and my sister have to clean the house and shit while my brother has to do NOTHING, and when i say nothing i actually mean nothing. man, im the one folding his clothes and giving it to him! the same with my sister.she is 12 only and has to take sm responsibility. i feel so sorry for her from both of us shes been going thru more. we still both fight alot but dont ohysically hit eachother. and also something i wanted to say is, i dont want to feel better. i want to get really really bad depressed, get beaten up by my mom daily, sh severly and be really suicidal.i dont wanna be happy. i think its my mind & body trying to cope with pain with enjoying it......?
also before someone sais to tell someone abt it. i dont have an adult who i can trust bc im stil scared bc of what my mom told me when i was younger. second of all, all the adults in my whole family are like that. and i cant tell it a firned either, i only have 4 friends (whos my cousine) and one of them knows abt my depression & child abuse since their parent is also like that. i told her my depression is better which obvsly isnt i just dont wanna talk with her abt it thats why im here.

this is so long and im so sorry for that. for anyone who read all of that, thank u very muxh i really appreciate it. i probably will remember even more stuff to say haha but im leaving this like it is i already said lots of stuff.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is not normal for a parent to hurt their child in this way, no matter whether the child is misbehaving or not. Even if you and your sister fought, neither of you deserved to be beaten and it doesn't make you a bad sibling. Most siblings fight at least occasionally, it's just how things are, and a good parent deals with that with communication and healthy consequences, not violence. Like you discovered, it is abuse, plain and simple.

I know you may not want to tell anyone because you don't want to be taken away, but you aren't safe where you are right now. Your sister was beaten to the point where she couldn't go to school for a week due to the marks. There's nothing stopping your mother from escalating further and doing something like that again, or even leaving one of you with more serious injuries like broken bones or even something that results in hospitalization. It's not safe for you to live like that, and neither you nor your sister deserve that. At least if someone knows about it, you can be brought someplace where you won't get beaten like that and won't have to live in fear. Your mother is using the fear of being taken away to stop you from reaching out, but also remember that you deserve people in your life that don't hurt you. A teacher, guidance counselor, coach, or doctor can be someone who helps get you to that place. I'd document anything she does, verbally or physically, as evidence, and keep pictures if it is safe to do so.

I know you said you and your sister have fought and hit each other in the past and still do fight sometimes, but do you get along generally? For example, is she someone you can talk to about what is happening if she is old enough to understand? I know you're three years apart, but perhaps both of you can provide comfort to one another when things get really bad. You both can talk to each other and help each other process what is going on. If you have nobody else, at least you have each other.

Would your mother allow you to do things to get you out of the house for a little while such as volunteering, doing an after school club or sport, going to the library by yourself to do homework or read, or participate in other community events? The reason I ask is because at least if you are doing something like that, you will be in a public space for a while where she can't hurt you and you can just get away. Additionally, doing an activity after school can give you something to at least look forward to.

You asked if it still counts as being suicidal if you know you wouldn't attempt it, and the answer is yes. There's something called being "passively suicidal," where you think things such as you wish you were dead, hope you die in your sleep or in an accident, or wish you were never born, but at the same time you don't have any plan or intent to actively harm yourself. It can still be serious and is something to keep an eye on. Do you think you'd be willing to make a list of reasons to keep living? They don't have to be big reasons. The reasons can be your four friends, living to enjoy your favorite snacks or play your favorite games, living because you have future goals (set some if you don't have them right now), because you get to experience your favorite season, or anything else you can think of. Also write down the good things that happen to you or things that have made you happy recently, because those are always good to remember.

You mentioned self harm as well, and I'm wondering if you have any outlets for what you're going through. For example, you can use creative expression like making music, making art, writing, or cooking and baking. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it's; just a way to find a release so you're not holding everything deep inside of you with no outlet.

This is a list of alternatives to self harm. There are a ton of them there! If one doesn't work for you, try out another and eventually you'll find one that works for you. My favorite alternative is known as the TIPP skill. The T stands for temperature, meaning you change your body's temperature. This is normally done through ice or cold. Some people stick their head in a bowl of ice water, take a cold shower, or put ice/ice packs on certain parts of their body such as their neck, forehead, or wrists. The I stands for intense exercise, so something like going for a run or doing jumping jacks. The first P is paced breathing, which means regulating how you are breathing and slowing your breathing down if you're breathing too quickly. There are different breathing exercises you can follow to achieve this. The final P is progressive muscle relaxation, which involves tensing and relaxing the different muscle groups one at a time. The "temperature" part is the part that really helps me. When I was in a group therapy setting the clinician also had me throw my self harm tools in the outside garbage because it was too gross for me to go digging around for them to get them back. If you think that would still be tempting, if you decide to get rid of your self harm tools maybe you can throw them out somewhere else. For example, wrap them up so nothing sharp is sticking out where someone else like a janitor changing garbage bags can get poked by accident and then throw them out at school or at a gas station so you can't just go and get them back.

You also said right now you feel like you don't want to get better and don't want to feel happy. I think a part of that is the whole saying, "there's comfort in the sadness" or "there's comfort in what you know." Right now, you're used to feeling depressed and not great in general. You're used to feeling suicidal, and you're used to using self harm as a way of coping. It's what you know, and there's comfort in sticking to what you know. Change is scary as hell! Work at trying to improve things anyway, even though you may not want to right away. Just take small steps to start out with, and build up from there. You might start to feel better once you start rewiring your brain a little bit and teach it that there's a better way of doing things.

I hope this helps a little. You're welcome to come back at any point. You don't have to deal with this alone!

Take care,
Dez

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]its better now. aslong as u do what shes telling u to right in time she doesnt hit anyone. so i dont wanna report her to anyone i dont wanna ruin my whole family bc of that. in 4 years when im 19 im going to another city to study for psychology (i wanna be a psychologist) and my parents are supportive with that anyways.

me and my sister generally do get along but i dont like talking with her abt these stuff bc i always try not to think abt it, thats why im also addicted to phones / computers, they make me forgot abt my family and depression.

ive been thinking of telling my sister before sleep to tell my mother that im depressed. i cant tell her directly abt the depression bc then she will hug me and sobs and say sorry and then i will forgive her again and then the enxt day nothing will change. so i want my sister to tell her while im not here (at school), and during that time she will be thinking about what my sister said and probably leave me a message or call me, which is better than telling her face to face[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Having your sister pass along the message sounds like a good idea, as long as your mother is a safe person to tell and won't hurt you for it. Maybe she can get you some type of support for the depression, such as a therapist or counselor, or maybe it will cause her to rethink the way she treats you and your sister when you don't do something the way she wants.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]some stuff happened recently. yesterday i collapsed at the hospital after a bloodtest because i didnt drink water nor did i eat before. my mom told my dad about it and my dad got mad at my sister, saying its her fault why i dont enjoy anything anymore and why im always so tired etc. when i got home my sister told me about it. she asked if thats true (that i dont feel enjoyment anymore etc) and i said yes then she asked if i was depressed, and she started sobbing. i laughed and said that its not abig deal and stuff. so basically my sister knows now that im depressed, and she stopped fighting with me. im planning on telling her to tell my mom about my depression when im at school.

and also uh. my online friend posted about drinking beer, when theyre only 13yo, and like. i want to drink beer too. i wanna get drunk and forget about everything and fill my emptiness with something. and back to my friend. i feel so sorry and bad about them..... theyre 13 years old only....... and now everytime i see their posts it just mentally drains me. i dont know.[/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

It's great that your sister stopped fighting with you once she heard what was going on. It sounds like even though the two of you do fight, she does care about you and doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. It's a good thing that you're having her tell your mom about your depression while you are at school, and hopefully that will help you out in the long run.

Getting drunk isn't all it's cracked up to be. You have to deal with the hangovers and how they make you feel (headaches, nausea, vomiting), the potential for alcohol poisoning, liver damage from long-term use, and getting to that level of drunk doesn't actually feel that fun. There's even a chance you won't remember things you have done while you're drunk, whether they're positive or negative. It's not "cool" to drink at thirteen, and if your friends are mentally draining or a bad influence on you, perhaps it's time to find new friends. Maybe join clubs, social groups, sports teams, or volunteer to meet other people who share interests with you and are a good influence.

I hope you're okay after collapsing! Get some rest.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]it makes me feel like im not depressed enough[/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Just for clarification, what makes you feel like you aren't depressed enough? I just want to make sure I understand.

But there's no competition when it comes to depression and other mental health issues. It's all still valid and should be taken seriously. Some people say that "it's not the pain Olympics."

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]i just feel like im supposed to be more depressed. idk why.
and recently my mother kind of stopped with the physical abuse but she still is shitty. shes so weird and she hates my sister man what did she do to you. when she tries to talk with her my mom always goes ugh im so tired just leave me alone! and like. she treats my older rbother so much better. she laughs at every single joke he makes, she never really yells at him, even tho he makes so many mistakes. what did i do for u to treat me worse than him? and she calls me names. and my sister especially. she says that my sister is an idiot, that shes stupid, and stuff like that. when my sister tells her to stop she replies with "thats just who you are". she is fucking twelve years old. she did nothing wrong. let her live in peace like u let my older brother. my mother called me a name today for me being skinny. that word doesnt exist in the english language tho. im just so sick an tired of them, i would go out of the house but im so anxious around other people i hate going out bc the idea of seeing people in real life makes me so scared. i cant focus in class anymore, most of the time i just sleep bc my brain just does not function anymore. why did she even give birth to me and my sisters if she was gonna treat us like shit and hate anyway. and the sudden stop of physical abuse is so weird to me too. when i make a mistake, im used to being physicall hurted, so its weird if i dont. if i raise my voice at her a bit too much i get anxious i expect her to yell and hit me, and if she doesnt, i do it to myself. its not like her hits hurt anyway. so i just wish she would hit me more than yell at me 24/7, it hurts less to me. i hate going to school bc i cant focus in class anyway and never feel safe around other people, but nor do i at home.[/size][/color][/font]

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]and my mom still thinks what shes doing is okay.[/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

I know you don't want to report it but is there any way you can limit the interactions you have with your mom, such as limiting the time you spend alone with her? If things start to get tense maybe you can go to your room or take a break in the bathroom until things cool down again.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]i'll try that[/size][/color][/font]