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Old

Ups and Downs (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted October 1st 2023 at 05:15 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Things have definitely been up and down for me since I got out of the hospital in June.

I finished PHP/IOP but I made it clear that I didn't want to be there. I only completed it because my therapist said she wouldn't take me back if I didn't.

For the first few weeks I was self harming several times a week and didn't even care. If there was even the slightest inconvenience I was self harming. That's improved some but I still do self harm. I don't know if I'm ready to...
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Living the dream.
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Old

Hospitalization number 4 (TW: Self harm, suicide)

Posted June 23rd 2023 at 09:20 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

5/30/23-5/31/23 - I got sent back to the hospital by my therapist because of an increase in depression and suicidal thoughts. She wasn't wrong to send me because I was spiraling towards another suicide attempt but I still fought it. She's also talking about sending me to residential treatment but I'll fight that.
The cop that met me at my house gave me a whole lecture on my bipolar and said how he has tons of experience with bipolar. He kept saying I need my meds adjusted even though I told...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 217 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

I'm still not doing well (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted May 17th 2023 at 03:19 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I have been out of the hospital for a little over a month now. Normally I'm at least relatively stable when I get out of the hospital but right now I'm still not doing well at all.

My house is a wreck. I haven't cleaned any of it since before I went into the hospital and it shows. My bathroom is especially embarrassing. It wouldn't be as bad if I was the only one using it, but I have a visiting nurse come into the house to give me my medication and she asks to use the bathroom sometimes....
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 215 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Hospitalization number three. (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted April 12th 2023 at 08:27 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 17th 2023 at 03:12 AM by Ennui.

4/3/23

I attempted suicide again. I have no lasting damage from it and earned myself another hospital stay instead. I was in the regular ER at my local hospital for like 6-7 hours before going to the Acute Behavioral Unit. It's not designed like a psych hospital and is a holding place until you go home or get admitted somewhere else. I had mt own room which was nice but I wasn't allowed plastic utensils and was only allowed finger foods. The one time they did let me use a spoon, I...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 289 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

I don't know how I am. (TW: Suicide)

Posted March 18th 2023 at 04:49 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I don't know how I am doing right now. My therapist asked me if I needed to go to the hospital and I said no, but I don't know if I really should.

I'm still feeling suicidal and my brain kept on telling me to do it before Texas so I have an excuse not to go. I did get some good news surrounding Texas that made me want to go more. I think I might have fun if this one specific thing happens. I'm still not looking forward to the flight there ore back, but if the one thing I'm excited...
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Living the dream.
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Views 308 Comments 2 Ennui. is offline
Old

Everything is going to hell. TW: Suicide, self harm, pet illness/death

Posted February 17th 2023 at 04:45 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated February 20th 2023 at 01:53 AM by Ennui.

I've been in a spiral lately and it just won't stop.

I might lose my insurance by March 31st. I am on Medicaid but due to my income level and the Covid relief money being taken away, I will lose it. I don't really have money to pay for my own insurance though so I don't know how I am going to be able to continue to get healthcare, do therapy, see my medication prescriber, and get all my medications. It makes me feel hopeless.

I am also losing my job on June 30, which...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 285 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)

Posted October 29th 2022 at 11:56 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am in IOP and the clinician made me throw out my self harm tools and my means of suicide into the trash outside while on camera. There was no way of lying to her and saying that I did it when I really didn't since it was all done on camera.

But, I did lie to her though. I have other self harm tools I can use, just not the preferred ones. I also have other means of suicide I can use that I didn't throw away. I'm not going to tell her I lied.

I need the safety net...
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Living the dream.
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Views 415 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Still suicidal.TW: Suicide, self harm

Posted October 12th 2022 at 02:11 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am struggling so badly right now.

My anxiety is through the roof most of the time and I'm having a hard time sitting still. My stomach feels funny and I keep getting a strange feeling in my head. I'm having a hard time sleeping. My chest feels heavy and I'm depressed on top of the anxiety to the point where my motivation to do anything is gone. I still haven't cleaned the guinea pig cage and it's been over a week. I am having a hard time functioning at work and passed some cases...
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Living the dream.
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Old

3 weeks in the psych ward (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted October 7th 2022 at 09:26 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated October 7th 2022 at 10:02 PM by Ennui.

9/16/22 - Well, I ended up in the hospital again. As a lot of you probably know, I had been feeling suicidal for a few weeks now. I didn't attempt, but I mentioned to my therapist how I had a job interview and it made me feel more suicidal. She knew I had the means to go through with it and called for the city to do a wellness check on me. I tried convincing her not to by saying how I would be good for another week at least and had plans for the weekend that would keep me alive but she called anyway....
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 421 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Suicidal (TW: Suicide, self harm, substances)

Posted September 8th 2022 at 09:29 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated September 9th 2022 at 01:08 AM by Ennui.

I got my suicide method of choice back from my parents. I told them I was ready to have it back and took it back from them. I am hanging on by a thread but I am trying to hold out until at least the date I picked. My therapist and APRN told me to give the suicide method back to my parents but I'm unwilling to do that.

I almost got myself hospitalized by admitting to my APRN how suicidal I am. She said she thinks it would be reasonable for me to go to the hospital and I said I don't...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 437 Comments 3 Ennui. is offline
 
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