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Old

I'm still not doing well (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted May 17th 2023 at 02:19 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I have been out of the hospital for a little over a month now. Normally I'm at least relatively stable when I get out of the hospital but right now I'm still not doing well at all.

My house is a wreck. I haven't cleaned any of it since before I went into the hospital and it shows. My bathroom is especially embarrassing. It wouldn't be as bad if I was the only one using it, but I have a visiting nurse come into the house to give me my medication and she asks to use the bathroom sometimes....
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 45 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
         
Old

Hospitalization number three. (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted April 12th 2023 at 07:27 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 17th 2023 at 02:12 AM by Ennui.

4/3/23

I attempted suicide again. I have no lasting damage from it and earned myself another hospital stay instead. I was in the regular ER at my local hospital for like 6-7 hours before going to the Acute Behavioral Unit. It's not designed like a psych hospital and is a holding place until you go home or get admitted somewhere else. I had mt own room which was nice but I wasn't allowed plastic utensils and was only allowed finger foods. The one time they did let me use a spoon, I...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 92 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

I don't know how I am. (TW: Suicide)

Posted March 18th 2023 at 03:49 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I don't know how I am doing right now. My therapist asked me if I needed to go to the hospital and I said no, but I don't know if I really should.

I'm still feeling suicidal and my brain kept on telling me to do it before Texas so I have an excuse not to go. I did get some good news surrounding Texas that made me want to go more. I think I might have fun if this one specific thing happens. I'm still not looking forward to the flight there ore back, but if the one thing I'm excited...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 126 Comments 2 Ennui. is offline
Old

Everything is going to hell. TW: Suicide, self harm, pet illness/death

Posted February 17th 2023 at 03:45 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated February 20th 2023 at 12:53 AM by Ennui.

I've been in a spiral lately and it just won't stop.

I might lose my insurance by March 31st. I am on Medicaid but due to my income level and the Covid relief money being taken away, I will lose it. I don't really have money to pay for my own insurance though so I don't know how I am going to be able to continue to get healthcare, do therapy, see my medication prescriber, and get all my medications. It makes me feel hopeless.

I am also losing my job on June 30, which...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 109 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)

Posted October 29th 2022 at 10:56 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am in IOP and the clinician made me throw out my self harm tools and my means of suicide into the trash outside while on camera. There was no way of lying to her and saying that I did it when I really didn't since it was all done on camera.

But, I did lie to her though. I have other self harm tools I can use, just not the preferred ones. I also have other means of suicide I can use that I didn't throw away. I'm not going to tell her I lied.

I need the safety net...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 239 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Still suicidal.TW: Suicide, self harm

Posted October 12th 2022 at 01:11 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am struggling so badly right now.

My anxiety is through the roof most of the time and I'm having a hard time sitting still. My stomach feels funny and I keep getting a strange feeling in my head. I'm having a hard time sleeping. My chest feels heavy and I'm depressed on top of the anxiety to the point where my motivation to do anything is gone. I still haven't cleaned the guinea pig cage and it's been over a week. I am having a hard time functioning at work and passed some cases...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 300 Comments 0 Ennui. is offline
Old

3 weeks in the psych ward (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted October 7th 2022 at 08:26 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated October 7th 2022 at 09:02 PM by Ennui.

9/16/22 - Well, I ended up in the hospital again. As a lot of you probably know, I had been feeling suicidal for a few weeks now. I didn't attempt, but I mentioned to my therapist how I had a job interview and it made me feel more suicidal. She knew I had the means to go through with it and called for the city to do a wellness check on me. I tried convincing her not to by saying how I would be good for another week at least and had plans for the weekend that would keep me alive but she called anyway....
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 275 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Suicidal (TW: Suicide, self harm, substances)

Posted September 8th 2022 at 08:29 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated September 9th 2022 at 12:08 AM by Ennui.

I got my suicide method of choice back from my parents. I told them I was ready to have it back and took it back from them. I am hanging on by a thread but I am trying to hold out until at least the date I picked. My therapist and APRN told me to give the suicide method back to my parents but I'm unwilling to do that.

I almost got myself hospitalized by admitting to my APRN how suicidal I am. She said she thinks it would be reasonable for me to go to the hospital and I said I don't...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 306 Comments 3 Ennui. is offline
Old

My job is ending earlier than expected. (TW: Suicide)

Posted September 2nd 2022 at 05:56 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I thought my job was ending in December but it's really ending between November 15-17th. I thought I had more time.

I'm panicking because that means I'll have to apply for jobs and I'll never find one with this good of a boss and this much flexibility to make my own schedule, AND one where I make this good of money. My therapist said I'd be good for a part-time job but I'm going to have to go full-time if I want to make enough to pay the bills. I don't know if I'll be able to cope...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 304 Comments 2 Ennui. is offline
Old

Feeling dread (suicide and death/grieving trigger)

Posted July 22nd 2022 at 10:08 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated July 23rd 2022 at 12:46 AM by Ennui.

I am dreading the day that this job ends at the end of December and I have to work full time. I have so many doctor's appointments and mental health issues that I don't know how I'll cope without a job that is so flexible that I am able to fit everything in. My job gets overwhelming a lot but it is part time, and my therapist thinks I'd be good with a PART TIME job, but I'll have to look into full time to pay the bills. That's where it gets scary.

I dread losing Medicaid and having...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 431 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
 
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