Have you ever not been sure if you were suppose to be happy or sad or stressed? Because recently, i've felt that way. I have almost every reason to be happy but, my family just...drags me back down. I love them yet i constantly feel they don't love me as much. What kind of a family calls their daughter or sister fat? I don't mean to complain. It helps typing my thoughts out sometimes...maybe, i am a little fat...i don't know...all i see when i look in the mirror is the flaws. Why can't i ever be...

So... Last Friday, I did things with my boyfriend. I don't really like specifying on this stuff. But, we weren't really smart about things. But, now I have to wait 2 weeks to take a damn pregnancy test. I got my friend to buy it for me since I can't really get out of the house. He got a 2 pack. So,I guess that's a good thing? To double check, right? If I'm not pregnant... Wow, I would be so thankful. If I am, I will be so suicidal. No joke. My mom would freaking kill me. With my luck......

I'm so sad that my sister was looking through my phone one day. I got paranoid and deleted the pictures I took of the cuts on my thighs. They were fresh. Bloody. New. And I needed to remember what was there since I can never ever cut there again now that my mom is going to be seeing my thighs Wednesay. I wish I didn't delete those pictures because now they're fading and that's sad to me. I liked just staring at it. I wish I could cut there some more. And my arms and everywhere. Is it so bad that...

Source: Notice.


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For the last few days, it really feels like autumn. Yay for April, and morning temperatures attempting to be below 10C. It's so nice to be complaining to myself about the cold instead of the heat.

This morning I decided to text Rowena to ask when a good time to come in and say hi to everybody would be. She said either Wednesday or Friday, and asked if I would judge Fun Fest. I said yes. I've been secretly hoping to be asked to judge Fun Fest, it gives me a whole day in the gym, and...

I had a better day today. Dyed my sisters hair, watched some Disney movies, made beaded necklaces. It was like i was a kid again. How i miss the innocence.

That's right, Jon finally found a job. His uncle is close friends with the owner of this pub downtown, so he was able to get a job there since they needed someone pretty bad. It's not easy work though, his shift is 11 hours long!

He called me this morning at 10, which surprised me because he didn't get off work until 3 am. He told me about his day, making pizzas and chicken, washing dishes, severely burning his thumb and index finger. He said it's hard work, but he's just happy...

I am crying out
But can you hear me?
I kick and scream and shout
But it's not enough.
"it's just a phase" you say
But is it really?
I fight to live another day
Please help me.
"I don't care. You'll get over it"
I know but I just want a hug.
Because of you my heart is gonna split
Because of you I want to die.
"it'll do the world good if you just go away"
Is that true? Please...

Daylight savings has ended, we're back an hour.
I added a blanket to my bed, and as if in agreement with me, the skies are leaden and the air is chill.

I like it.
Winter is my favourite season, I flourish in the cold.

Yesterday I took lithium for the first time. I'm on 800mg in the evening. I didn't take any PRN. In hindsight, I probably should have. You see, our toilet has sprung a leak, and the number I had for repairs wasn't working, so I texted my...

I hate this room. 4 walls painted red and only one widow. It's too small. Perhaps it's because i'm always in here but, i just want to scream. I can escape but where too? A house that is even more of a prison? The only time it feels like i can escape it when it's warm and rainy or when i hurt myself. Even then it doesn't last long. I know the solution to the problem. It's a work in progress to fix it like most things. Is that an excuse? I don't know. I look forward to Monday though. I hope it goes...