How do I even explain what's racing through my head right now? Never good enough, never deep enough, never thin enough. Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice myself up. Cut deeper than ever before last night. You could see the fat of my thigh in the cut, and yet, it doesn't hurt anymore. It even started healing, and I hate it. I WANT to feel the pain..does that even make sense? Probably not. I doubt anyone will even read this.
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling nonsense. Never lost enough weight, never cut deep...

So I went for a walk on the motorway again last night. Whilst I wasn't doing it to harm or kill myself, it got me noticed. I'm not sure if that's what I wanted or not.

The police who picked me up said they'd never seen somebody walking in the middle before. It was new on them. They took me back home, had a conversation with Mum, rang their supervisors, and decided to detain me.

So I spent the night at Manukau Police Station, in a cell, by myself, alternately laying...

I guess I should feel bad for skipping community work today. I don't. I feel bad in general, but not specifically about that. I'll probably get a warning. If they want, they can take me to court on breach and I can be fined or jailed. Know what? Right now, that doesn't bother me. I just needed to get some new clothes, and some pads. Periods ftl. So I did. Now I have trackpants with a ridiculous amount of Xs before the L, so they should both fit, and be comfortable. As well as a new white shirt,...

I feel like I'm suffering from brain overload. I'm not even doing that much.

Mondays, I coach. Tuesdays are now a free day. Wednesdays, I coach. Thursdays, I have community work and supervision appointments. Fridays, I have mental health appointments, and I coach. Weekends, I now have competitions, as competition season is, as of Saturday, in full swing. This weekend I will be coaching on Saturday and judging on Sunday.

I most likely will not find the time or the money...

Okay, so I'm always struggling with my friends, if it isn't the trans stuff, it's the "you don't support me" stuff... Like, really? I can only count on one person that's my friend to talk about everything, and I don't want to overwhelm them.

Like my friend, let's call her E. She's kinda sorta staying with me, and we were talking about something, and she asks me if "they're like I use to be", as in, trans. And I'm like "use to be", WTF? Just because I...

Took my cat to the vet today. He has an injured toe from attempting to climb a rose bush a couple of weeks ago, and it doesn't seem to be healing properly, so took him to get it looked at. The vet trimmed his claw, cleansed the wound - to the point of washing the scab off - and felt all around it, she said she couldn't feel anything in the wound, but it does feel quite warm, so he's been given a course of antibiotics. Half of a tablet each morning and evening for the next 5 days. Luckily he's a...

[funny from facebook: I have mood poisoning. Must be some of the bullshit I swallowed.]

I love how being in a low phase gives you days of absolutely loathing yourself, and other other days where you simply don't have the motivation to move.

Also, my laptop is making noises, and I can't figure out why, it's purely when I type, either I'm hallucinating (unlikely) or there is a fuck-up circuit between my keyboard and my speaker.

But anyway, back on topic....

Had such a stressful day yesterday, was on duty at a football tournament with st John ambulance. We had a spinal injury and a broke leg as well as a few minor injuries.
The ambulance took 30 minutes to come for the boy with the spinal injury so I had to hold his head in the same place for the whole time. When I let go of him when the neck collar was on, my shoulder clicked and went all weird and now I can't move it :/
Also I've never heard so much screaming when the lad broke his...

I gave Jon nightmares because of something I did at the wedding. I didn't realize I'd worried him that much. He's been so shaken up ever since I had those seizures, he can't take his eyes off me. He never lets me wander off alone, just in case.

At the reception hall yesterday there were tons of people, which makes me extremely nervous. Every once in a while I'd want to go for a walk outside, around the building. At one point I went out, but I forgot to tell Jon. I was already out...

I think about suicide. Then I think about how I have responsibilities, and how it's competition season, and how I've seen proof again and again that suicide is contagious.

Then I think about suicide.
Then I think about how I don't want to give my sister the satisfaction. Then I think about how much I hate myself. Then I think about suicide.

I'm fat. So fat, that my BMI apparently is "morbidly obese". I don't look like I'm dying of being overweight,...