Most of you will think this is weird.
I don't care.
Progress...
Sweet sweet revenge on this depression...
Didn't realize until I was in bed last night going through my day...
I said to myself 'when I have a house'
WHEN!!!!!!!!!
It shows that subconciously I can see a future!
That sounds more mad...
But to me this makes sense...
I have hope...
On the outside I may be struggling to see it.
But that doesn't matter...
If...

...

I keep compareing myself to my sister, April.
She is short. Super skinny. Supper pretty. All the girls want to be her friend. Everyboy wants to date her. She is perfect. Aboslutely flawless! Shes the girl everygirl wants to be!
Including me!
I have been starving myself for over a week now. I want to be skinny like April. I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty.
But it isn't working.
Even with me running every few days. Even with me cutting and loseing blood....

Last Tuesday i had a phychiatrist appointment, prescibed me antidepressants/ anxiety pills. Started them today. Didnt want to, they won't help anyways I lied to the phychiatrist just like i do everyone else about wanting/tring to kill myself. Just said no, and tried to look like i would never do that. I just kept on keeping the truth from him. I wish i could just stop lying, and i wish everyone would just forget im alive. Or if i could disapear that would be nice. Im tired of lying. But my parents...

...

Gary Speed.
Legend.
Shaken the whole country up.
Normal guy, had everything, commits suicide.
Painted my nails in memory of him.
A top guy.
Showed me that my depression is ok.
He had a normal day, I watched him on football focus that morning!
Happy
Smiling
Laughing
Has a full day, talks to Robbie Savage and then has a 4...

I feel so empty and numb. I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore. I'm never going to be good enough. Im so tired of people lying to me and saying that I am pretty. That they'll be there when I need them. That they care about me. I'm sick of all the lies.

I'm sure a little slut. Deserve to be punished. Need pain. Need to feel something. Giving up on life.

Been binging, put...

Feels somewhat significant. I'm not sure why.
Honestly I think I'm just counting the days till I get to 15. I only promised to get as far as that.

I've tried so hard not to give in up till now, this time next week I can do what I like. No more promises.

I'm just not ready to give up yet.

I'm sorry.

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I don't want to die today that's a lie
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today...