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Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

hurting myself is my addiction. poss trig

Posted October 10th 2012 at 03:34 AM by escape♥

Tags boyfriend, cutting, eating disorder, self harm, self hatred

Hurting myself is my addicition, like any other one. I’ve never done drugs, or drank alcohol or anything like that, but I still can’t stop hurting myself. If it’s not my eating disorder, then its cutting, depression, or it’s something else entirely. Not giving a shit about life, pushing the people I love away, isolation, whatever, I just can’t stop harming myself in one way or another. It’s been this way as long as I can remember…I literally HATE myself. Yes, hate is a strong word, and I mean almost...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 534 Comments 0 escape♥ is offline

picking up the pieces. poss trig?

Posted October 7th 2012 at 02:00 PM by escape♥
Updated October 7th 2012 at 02:27 PM by escape♥

Tags almost breakup, boyfriend, crying, cutting, distant, low, sad, self-harm, struggling, tired

E & I fought for the first time last night. At first it was just a stupid habit of mine that was annoying him, but it quickly morphed into something worse. He told me that my sadness is hurting him, and our relationship. I’ve been asking about whether or not it was bothering him recently, and he always denied being in any emotional pain what so ever. When I asked what had changed, he said...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 574 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline

I miss it...triggering

Posted September 24th 2012 at 11:22 PM by escape♥

Tags boyfriend, happiness, love, missing, past, self-harm, therapy

I miss having multiple, multiple reasons to laugh and smile every day, I miss seeing your face, your eyes, every single day. I miss feeling your hand in mine, I miss being happy to be alive in the morning, I miss not lying when I said “I’m doing great” or “I’m fine”. I miss feeling loved, I miss everything.

I miss being in a good place. I miss not wanting to cut through my skin, day in and day out. I miss being h a p...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 623 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline

I just can't take it. strong lang trig

Posted September 13th 2012 at 04:19 AM by escape♥
Updated September 13th 2012 at 04:26 AM by escape♥

Tags anxiety, boyfriend, eating disorder, friends, school, self-harm, stress, tired

I'm am so stressed out. Its only the 3rd week of school, and already I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind rather quickly. Every. Single. Day. is a fucking struggle. A struggle to try and stay positive, a struggle to not act out any SH or ED urges, a struggle to get through school material, just a fucking struggle. For everything. It feels like nothing is going to be easy, ever again.

I thought I could trust that my relationship with E would be the one easy thing in my life, but even...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 409 Comments 0 escape♥ is offline

nope. trig

Posted September 8th 2012 at 03:04 AM by escape♥

Tags dead, eating disorder, pain, self-harm, suicidal

I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to crawl back to ED, and back to the blade and beg for forgiveness. I want to feel the sting and burning of my flesh being sliced open. I want to feel the low hum and diziziness of hunger.
I want this to end. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to struggle anymore. I'm done.
Just kill me off, and end my pain & suffering.

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 457 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline

I told you to be fine. triggering

Posted August 18th 2012 at 09:59 PM by escape♥

Tags eating disorder, self harm, self hatred, skinny love, struggling, suicide

Come on skinny love, just last the year.

I slipped up. Sliced my thighs open. It was almost 2 months.

Pour a little salt, we were never here.

I'm scared. The thoughts and urges have never been this bad. E is supposed to come over tomorrow to celebrate my birtday, and he said he's going to take and destroy my blade. I don't know what I'll do with out it.

My my my- my my my- my my my.
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer.

...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 450 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline

Why? trig

Posted August 9th 2012 at 04:13 AM by escape♥

Tags death

Why do I even keep posting? Nobody ever comments, nobody cares..
I want to be able to say:
"Goodbye world, I'm never coming back."

But I can't....

So I wait. I don't know what for, I just wait.

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 302 Comments 4 escape♥ is offline

Enough. trig

Posted August 8th 2012 at 03:56 AM by escape♥
Updated August 8th 2012 at 04:26 AM by escape♥

Tags eating disorder, pain, self-harm, suicide, thin

I'm so done. I'm trying, and fighting everything with my whole exsistence, and it's never enough. Never fighting strong enough, never good enough, thin enough, deep enough. Never enough.
The self-hatred is growing in me like a cancer. Raging like a bull, getting more and more intense every day.
I would do anything to be thin. And I mean literally anything. You name

...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 366 Comments 0 escape♥ is offline

What the eff...[triggering] Strong Language

Posted July 24th 2012 at 06:56 PM by escape♥

Tags calories, eating disorder, fuck, guilt, voices

Erghhh. What the HELL did I just do?!!?! I was doing so well. No calories all day..and then. My mom decides to pick up fast food for us and my sick aunt. And my stupid fucking weak self decided to eat.
Sighhh. I know I need it.
Food is Life.
But who care's about living if your fat?

So. Much. GUILT.

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 356 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline

I'm not okay. [triggering]

Posted July 24th 2012 at 04:17 PM by escape♥
Updated July 24th 2012 at 04:25 PM by escape♥

Tags depression, eating disorder, fat, low, self harm, self hatred

I don't know how to put into words how I feel. I don't know how to blog about how I'm slowly slipping back into my old ways, into the darkness. I don't know how to tell you that I want to die. I want to never wake up.

I don't know how to tell you that I'm starving again. I don't need food if I'm a fat ass.
I could go into this long rant about my self-hatred and what not,

...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Rampant Thoughts in the Unforgiving Darkness

Views 411 Comments 0 escape♥ is offline

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