Yesterday, I had therapy. I really needed it, the voice was screaming at me, constantly.
"Your not good enough! Get off your fat ass and loose some weight! As long as your thin, nothing else matters! You want to be perfect, right?!" Etc, etc etc.

I was reading something a while ago about how it doesn't matter if your thin if your dead, and immediatly my eating disorder says: "Who cares if your dead as long as your thin. The thinnest. I know you would do anything...

How do I even explain what's racing through my head right now? Never good enough, never deep enough, never thin enough. Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice myself up. Cut deeper than ever before last night. You could see the fat of my thigh in the cut, and yet, it doesn't hurt anymore. It even started healing, and I hate it. I WANT to feel the pain..does that even make sense? Probably not. I doubt anyone will even read this.
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling nonsense. Never lost enough weight, never cut deep...

I am trying so hard.
I really am. I'm not trying to sound selfish, but I am hanging in there for all dear life.
But, there are always people that need help. Those people on the forums talking about how they are so close to over dosing, or cutting again, or spiraling in their eating disorder, etc. I don't care if I die, or if I go back to my old habits, I just want to help them. They deserve it. But I am starting to realize that no matter what I tell them, or what advice I give them,...

I wait all day for the nighttime to come, and then it does, and slaps me in the face.
Mother fucker. -.-

I was struggling today, but managed to do okay. The minute the night hits, like I was waiting for, I loose control. It's so bad right now, I don't think its ever been this bad.

The urges. God the urges. I'm so close to slicing into this vein on my wrist that I can feel...

This darkness, its overwhelming. I watch a figure skating show, and they're so beautiful..all I can think is "I'm so fat. Why can't I look like them?! Why?? I've always wanted to ice skate..but I'm too fat. God I just wanna cut this away."

God. I'm just sitting here. All alone, practically in tears.

I need to be happy. For the people I love. I cannot break down, I cannot die. I..MUST be happy.

But I don't want to be. I want to be in this...

Coldplay- Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high...

I can't really explain how i feel, but i'm going to try.

I feel on the verge of bursting into tears, and yet in a "i dont give a fuck" mood...I talked to one of my friends i hadn't stayed in touch with last night over FB. I thought she had quit cutting, especially since she was inpatient for a while, but i was wrong...

Today me and E had an arguement..partly because im so extremely emotional all of the time, and he ran out of meds (schizophrenia...

I don't know where to start? ugh. i want this to end. All of this pain, this stupidity. I wanna watch my blood flow out of my body, into a tub of water, and watch the water turn pink with my beautiful blood.
just..make it stop. I want to die, i want to be peaceful and relaxed and not stressed out or relapsing or self-harming or crying or anything thing else. I want to die. it's not that hard..i could just find some pills and take a hand-ful of them. make sure i write a suicide...