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momentary rant. trig?

Posted February 10th 2013 at 10:55 PM by escape♥

I have so much homework and I dont know how to do most of it & I have like no motivation to do anything or move or get up or anything.

I just want to sit here & cry.

I feels so fat & disgusting I want to feel beautiful & pretty, I want to loose weight so bad but I have to eat dinner soon & I really don't want to go back to my ED life..

I'm so tired & I have a headache & I really just need some motivation & LOADS of positivity...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 479 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline

It's been awhile. trig

Posted January 25th 2013 at 02:53 AM by escape♥

Tags break up, depression, eating disorder, life, lonely, long time, negative, pictures, positive, self harm, suicidal, update

Wow, TeenHelp. It’s been quite some time since I last posted here, and my life as changed in all sorts of ways.

Well, let’s with the positive then. I started learning to drive around Christmas time, got my permit & everything. I got my braces off in November, and plans for me to get a car before/on my 16th birthday are in place…uh yeah. I can’t think of much positive at the moment. :c

...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 438 Comments 0 escape♥ is offline

Happiness...trig

Posted September 3rd 2012 at 03:58 PM by escape♥

Tags anxiety, depression, eating disorder, happy, past, recovery, self harm, struggling

I want to be able to say I'm happy, and actually mean it. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake, without crying or purging or anything else. I want to not keep finding ways to hurt myself. I slipped up, again. Found another blade, sliced my wrist open. It felt so..amazing. And yet I'm so ashamed. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself. I can't help that I just want to stop breathing, but I don't want to leave E.

I told E that I've only been half-ass trying to recover. I promised I...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 465 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline

Arghhh, school. TRIGGERING strong lang

Posted August 26th 2012 at 10:55 PM by escape♥

Tags anxiety, couple, crying, love, school, self harm, worried

School starts tomorrow. Somebody shoot me now.

I don't know what I'm going to do, how I'm going to hold up. Between all the hard classes, driving school, and a new "excersize plan" I don't know if I'll have time to breath.

E is being optimistic. We met at my old highschool last year, and now I'm moving to a new highschool, (it's a "magnet...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 367 Comments 2 escape♥ is offline

Together we can make it through another day. trig

Posted July 17th 2012 at 02:19 AM by escape♥

So, I find this song somewhat triggering (ED) and somewhat hopeful. Its so true, and sad, but its still pretty good. And it pretty much describes how I feel at the moment, so here you go.

Courage by Superchick

*I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 253 Comments 0 escape♥ is offline

So, emotionally exhausted. trig

Posted July 7th 2012 at 02:56 AM by escape♥
Updated July 7th 2012 at 01:35 PM by escape♥

I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of yelling.
I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of feeling crazy.
I'm tired of feeling stuck.
I'm tired of needing help.
I'm tired of remembering.
I'm tired of worrying.
I'm tired of being different.
I'm tired of cutting.
I'm tired of missing people.
I'm tired of feeling worthless.
I'm tired of wanting...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 219 Comments 0 escape♥ is offline

I'm proud......Or am I? (possibly trig)

Posted June 19th 2012 at 09:20 PM by escape♥

Tags eating, eating disorder, jelly, peanut butter, recovery

It's raining like the world's ending. I love it. I'm proud of myself in a sense. Today, I was restricting. Counting every calorie, feeling the emptyness, counting my excersize, etc. I was doing SO WELL. But then I decided I was hungry, and I realized, do I really want to go back to that? Do I really want to have to explain to my parents yet again why I am doing this? Do I really want this? And I decided, No. I don't want this. I just want to be perfect and that's impossible. So, I ate...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 268 Comments 3 escape♥ is offline

trig Denial & Anger

Posted June 14th 2012 at 04:15 PM by escape♥
Updated June 14th 2012 at 11:01 PM by Storyteller. (Please do not post any weight numbers.)

How could I possibly have an eating disorder? I'm overweight. Always have been, since kindergarten. I'm not some stick thin girl. I'm FAT. Seriously, don't comment on this say "oh hunn your so beautiful" or some shit like that. That's BULLSHIT. I'm obese, legit, BMI says so and everything.
If I'm so overweight, how the FUCK do I have Bulimia?! Like, that's basically impossible....

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 245 Comments 2 escape♥ is offline

trig Lost in my own head

Posted June 13th 2012 at 05:21 PM by escape♥

I don't think I can do this anymore. This eating disorder is controlling my life. Constantly blocking out the thoughts, the feelings, the urges. Constantly making sure I'm eating, making sure no one knows. I'm so done. I broke down and purged my breakfast earlier. I felt so much relief, but immediatly regretted it.
I talked to my dad about having problems again, and I emailed my former psychologist....

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 258 Comments 3 escape♥ is offline

trig Burdens.

Posted June 13th 2012 at 03:13 AM by escape♥
Updated June 13th 2012 at 03:42 AM by Storyteller. (Weight numbers are against the ToS.)

Tags bulimia, eating disorder, recovery

So, I have an eating disorder. That is still so hard to just, type. I still think of people with eating disorders as [edited], and beautiful. But thats not always the case, like me for instance.

Today has been, difficult. My parents made me clean my room. and I kept finding little trinkets from when my eating disorder had control of my life. It was really triggering.

...

escape♥

Happiness is waiting for you<3

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 311 Comments 3 escape♥ is offline

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