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Happiness...*trig*

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Posted September 3rd 2012 at 03:58 PM by escape♥

I want to be able to say I'm happy, and actually mean it. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake, without crying or purging or anything else. I want to not keep finding ways to hurt myself. I slipped up, again. Found another blade, sliced my wrist open. It felt so..amazing. And yet I'm so ashamed. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself. I can't help that I just want to stop breathing, but I don't want to leave E.

I told E that I've only been half-ass trying to recover. I promised I would actually try to be happy. That I would try not to use the new blade. That I would actually try to get better.
We talked about me going into hospital. But I told him I don't want my parents to see my scars and cuts, or to know anything. It's best if they're just ignorant to all of this.

I've been skipping meals and eating less and less. Already lost some weight due to it.
I know it works, I know if I try harder this time, if I stop eating or eat less for even longer this time that I will eventually be skinny. But it doesn't matter if I'm the way I am now or thinner. To my ED, I'm never good enough. I will never be thin enough.

I'm tired of fighting this. I want to be happy, I want this to be in my past. I want to be care free, ED free, SH free, depression free, anxiety free, etc etc etc.

This is going to be so hard.
<3
Cheers to trying.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Samwise's Avatar
    You CAN do this! You have the will power to stop. And you have E there too.

    You WILL be happy, believe me, you will.

    Stay strong <3
    permalink
    Posted September 7th 2012 at 03:47 PM by Samwise Samwise is offline
 


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