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Old

It's been awhile. *trig*

Posted January 25th 2013 at 03:53 AM by escape♥

Wow, TeenHelp. Itís been quite some time since I last posted here, and my life as changed in all sorts of ways.

Well, letís with the positive then. I started learning to drive around Christmas time, got my permit & everything. I got my braces off in November, and plans for me to get a car before/on my 16th birthday are in placeÖuh yeah. I canít think of much positive at the moment. :c

...
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Old

hurting myself is my addiction. *poss trig*

Posted October 10th 2012 at 03:34 AM by escape♥

Hurting myself is my addicition, like any other one. Iíve never done drugs, or drank alcohol or anything like that, but I still canít stop hurting myself. If itís not my eating disorder, then its cutting, depression, or itís something else entirely. Not giving a shit about life, pushing the people I love away, isolation, whatever, I just canít stop harming myself in one way or another. Itís been this way as long as I can rememberÖI literally HATE myself. Yes, hate is a strong word, and I mean almost...
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Old

I just can't take it. *strong lang* *trig*

Posted September 13th 2012 at 04:19 AM by escape♥
Updated September 13th 2012 at 04:26 AM by escape♥

I'm am so stressed out. Its only the 3rd week of school, and already I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind rather quickly. Every. Single. Day. is a fucking struggle. A struggle to try and stay positive, a struggle to not act out any SH or ED urges, a struggle to get through school material, just a fucking struggle. For everything. It feels like nothing is going to be easy, ever again.

I thought I could trust that my relationship with E would be the one easy thing in my life, but even...
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Old

nope. *trig*

Posted September 8th 2012 at 03:04 AM by escape♥

I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to crawl back to ED, and back to the blade and beg for forgiveness. I want to feel the sting and burning of my flesh being sliced open. I want to feel the low hum and diziziness of hunger.
I want this to end. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to struggle anymore. I'm done.
Just kill me off, and end my pain & suffering.
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Old

Happiness...*trig*

Posted September 3rd 2012 at 04:58 PM by escape♥

I want to be able to say I'm happy, and actually mean it. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake, without crying or purging or anything else. I want to not keep finding ways to hurt myself. I slipped up, again. Found another blade, sliced my wrist open. It felt so..amazing. And yet I'm so ashamed. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself. I can't help that I just want to stop breathing, but I don't want to leave E.

I told E that I've only been half-ass trying to recover. I promised I...
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Old

I told you to be fine. *triggering*

Posted August 18th 2012 at 09:59 PM by escape♥

Come on skinny love, just last the year.

I slipped up. Sliced my thighs open. It was almost 2 months.
Pour a little salt, we were never here.

I'm scared. The thoughts and urges have never been this bad. E is supposed to come over tomorrow to celebrate my birtday, and he said he's going to take and destroy my blade. I don't know what I'll do with out it.
My my my- my my my- my my my.
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer.

...
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Old

Enough. *trig*

Posted August 8th 2012 at 03:56 AM by escape♥
Updated August 8th 2012 at 04:26 AM by escape♥



I'm so done. I'm trying, and fighting everything with my whole exsistence, and it's never enough. Never fighting strong enough, never good enough, thin enough, deep enough. Never enough.
The self-hatred is growing in me like a cancer. Raging like a bull, getting more and more intense every day.
I would do anything to be thin. And I mean literally anything. You name
...
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Old

What the eff...[triggering] *Strong Language*

Posted July 24th 2012 at 06:56 PM by escape♥



Erghhh. What the HELL did I just do?!!?! I was doing so well. No calories all day..and then. My mom decides to pick up fast food for us and my sick aunt. And my stupid fucking weak self decided to eat.
Sighhh. I know I need it.
Food is Life.
But who care's about living if your fat?

So. Much. GUILT.
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Old

I'm not okay. [triggering]

Posted July 24th 2012 at 04:17 PM by escape♥
Updated July 24th 2012 at 04:25 PM by escape♥


I don't know how to put into words how I feel. I don't know how to blog about how I'm slowly slipping back into my old ways, into the darkness. I don't know how to tell you that I want to die. I want to never wake up.

I don't know how to tell you that I'm starving again. I don't need food if I'm a fat ass.
I could go into this long rant about my self-hatred and what not,
...
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Old

*trig (ED)* Dying to be thinnest.

Posted July 21st 2012 at 03:17 PM by escape♥
Updated July 22nd 2012 at 02:58 AM by escape♥

Yesterday, I had therapy. I really needed it, the voice was screaming at me, constantly.
"Your not good enough! Get off your fat ass and loose some weight! As long as your thin, nothing else matters! You want to be perfect, right?!" Etc, etc etc.

I was reading something a while ago about how it doesn't matter if your thin if your dead, and immediatly my eating disorder says: "Who cares if your dead as long as your thin. The thinnest. I know you would do anything...
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