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Old

Life and School

Posted January 12th 2015 at 07:41 PM by blueeyes_wildmind

I haven't posted in a while and thought it would be a good idea.
Exams are coming up this week. Ugh.
I had a pretty good holiday.
I have been on my instagram quite a lot.

I want to let you know that if you are reading this and are in a tough spot right now, I totally understand.
If you feel the need to send me a message or email me, that's great! I've been in a great mood the past week and feel that I should be helping others with it. It's not a great idea...
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Old

Two blogs in one day. (trig)

Posted August 25th 2014 at 03:12 AM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated August 29th 2014 at 04:26 AM by Hypothesis.

Welp. I guess is the continuation of my earlier blog. Sorry for posting two in one day.

This day was...bad. Really bad. I'm starting to calm down now, but exhaustion has also taken over from not sleeping so...

But yeah. I moved in. That went fine. My niece was there though because my dad couldn't come. He can't lift because of the surgery. My sister didn't have a sitter so my niece had to come.

It was okay until the goodbye. I know I am probably coming...
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Old

Breakdown (slightly trig?)

Posted June 6th 2014 at 12:30 AM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated June 6th 2014 at 02:57 AM by Hypothesis.

I've just had another breakdown. Over something stupid. My school's National Honor Society offers scholarships but apparently my essay was bad. If I don't redo my essay for this scholarship application by Monday I will get rejected for it. Second rejection I've gotten on a scholarship and I haven't even heard back from the rest.

Then there's the stress of graduation being soon, and having to say a speech so that adds to my breakdown. Plus we have to present senior portfolios soon....
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Old

I hate myself. (Triggering)

Posted May 12th 2014 at 10:44 PM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 12th 2014 at 11:06 PM by Hypothesis.

I wonder what it takes to qualify as "unstable" or a danger to yourself. I don't even think I want to get better.

I hate when you make a decision then realize the decision is bad and then you feel like shit. I should have finished the AP exam because now I feel guilty and worthless and like a failure for walking out and I've cried so much over this that I'm so exhausted now. I was crying so hard I was gagging. But even if I stayed I would have felt bad. I wasn't understanding...
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Old

I knew it wouldn't last. (triggering)

Posted April 23rd 2014 at 02:59 AM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

39 days. I made it 39 days before I ruined my streak. My goal was two months. But I guess I did better than I have in a while.

The low hit me hard and hit me fast. It started yesterday. I woke up feeling sad just because I exist. The thought of doing work and going through a day and doing what I have to do just makes me want to cry.

Then today it's worse. Second guessing everything and so much anxiety and random stress. Over everything. Sore and just don't know what...
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Old

Meh. (Trig?)

Posted January 29th 2014 at 09:15 PM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Skipped school today. I have such an aversion to taking the bus in the morning and my mom couldn't take me today, so I sort of just sat in bed refusing to get dressed until I ran late. Not to mention I dropped my Kindle on my face and managed to cut my lip, and I gave myself a little bit of a fat lip. So my face hurt. And TH was down this morning.

Well, I DID start getting dressed after a while but either way it was too late and for some reason I was such an emotional wreck this...
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Old

Yet another blog. Trig.

Posted January 21st 2014 at 02:11 AM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Can't do this. Really can't do this. I'm so stupid and won't make it anywhere in life and ugh. Cried like twice today and it put my brain in such a haze. It always makes me so tired and sick feeling to cry. I can't think. I can't type. I just want to curl up and sleep. Getting a headache from the stress I'm under.

Skipped out on therapy on Friday because I just wanted to go home. I hope she still calls me down at some point this week. I she doesn't by Friday I'll probably give in...
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Old

It doesn't last long.

Posted December 26th 2013 at 05:13 AM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

It never does. The stress-free me never stays for long. The stress is always lurking in the shadows.

Christmas was all right. Some fun parts then some parts that I just don't care. It's not that I wasn't happy, it's just there's no fun in Christmas for me anymore. Not when I know what 95% of my gifts are before Christmas because I have to pick them out. Not when it's the same routine. Wake up, open presents, hide in room with cool new stuff for a while and family does their thing,...
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Old

Not okay right now. (Triggering)

Posted November 22nd 2013 at 11:08 PM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Well, at this very moment I'm calm I guess but I know things are going to set me off. And they're going to set me off hard.

I don't know if it's because I have my period or what the hell this is but.

I didn't cut myself today but I did for two days straight. I mean it's not a horrible cycle but. It's not saying I didn't want to cut today, but things got in the way when I was triggered.

I almost started crying in like every class, had kids tell me to calm...
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Old

Giving up slowly. (Triggering?)

Posted October 23rd 2013 at 06:23 PM by Hypothesis. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated October 23rd 2013 at 11:26 PM by Hypothesis.

Half of me cares, half of me doesn't. I don't know how to do anything in school anymore, half because I'm a stupid fuck and half because I just don't care anymore, but then I get back my grades and remind myself just how much of a worthless failure I really am.

And half of me still just wants to take the pills, god dammit, if only I had the courage to they'd be swallowed right now. And still want to slice up my arms with the pretty new tool. Though I'm going to the YOUTH Forum event...
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