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Old

Life and School

Posted January 12th 2015 at 08:41 PM by blueeyes_wildmind

I haven't posted in a while and thought it would be a good idea.
Exams are coming up this week. Ugh.
I had a pretty good holiday.
I have been on my instagram quite a lot.

I want to let you know that if you are reading this and are in a tough spot right now, I totally understand.
If you feel the need to send me a message or email me, that's great! I've been in a great mood the past week and feel that I should be helping others with it. It's not a great idea...
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Old

Culture clash (triggering?)

Posted May 25th 2014 at 11:49 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am seventeen years old. I will be eighteen on June 3rd so in about nine days. At eighteen years old, I will have as much freedom as I did at like, twelve.

My dad is 63 and will be 64 at the end of August, and my mom is 61 and will be 62 at the end of June. That means they were born in 1950 and 1952, and had me in their mid forties pretty much.

You can see where the problem comes in. Unlike children who were born when their parents were young, there is a HUGEHUGEHUGE...
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Living the dream.
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Views 746 Comments 5 Ennui. is offline
Old

I don't have a voice anyway. (Triggering)

Posted November 2nd 2013 at 03:56 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated November 2nd 2013 at 04:19 AM by Ennui.

Meeting with my therapist was today.

Went shitty. As expected. Don't know why I expected it to go any less.

Mom doesn't listen to anything someone says. I tell her my side of things and she just disagrees or brushes it off or puts it all on college. My therapist tells her she is worried that I'll end up dead someday (I agree) and my mom flips shit, screams at her, and leaves.

Yells at me throughout the entire car ride about how they're just thoughts and everyone...
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Living the dream.
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Views 682 Comments 4 Ennui. is offline
Old

Scared.

Posted October 26th 2013 at 01:28 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

My therapist set up the meeting with my mom today. She didn't go into any details with my mom about what's going to be talked about, but she's going to suggest I am sent for an evaluation and possibly medication. I'm all for the idea, but my mom won't be.

I'm scared, so scared of what's going to come of this. She's going to act all calm to J and then flip out at me. She won't even consider getting me evaluated. What if she wants to check me for new cuts again (J isn't mentioning the...
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Living the dream.
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Old

Ah, screwed. (Triggering: SH)

Posted March 24th 2013 at 02:28 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I go for a prom dress at the first week of April.
I want to wear a short dress. I'm NOT letting my scars stop me from that, unless of course I fall in love with a long dress.
I'm buying my first pair of shorts since elementary school this summer if I find a pair that looks good on me. I'm NOT Letting my scars stop me. Self image maybe.
But I just cut again. My one last hoorah before my mom sees my thighs and I can't anymore. I'll tell her that they're from before I sent her...
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Living the dream.
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Old

New Events. (Triggering)

Posted March 16th 2013 at 02:05 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 24th 2013 at 04:28 AM by Ennui.

Okay so I am 100% exhausted and look and feel like hell. So this blog may or may not make sense and it may or may not be long.

As some of you may or may not be aware I told my mom about everything that is going on in my life and it felt as if she brushed off the suicidal thoughts. I told her that I don't feel like I'll be living much past graduation and she brushed it off as just thoughts. Little does she know that I have pills.

The cutting has gotten worse and I'm...
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Living the dream.
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Old

Just thoughts. (triggering)

Posted March 6th 2013 at 01:56 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Warning ahead of time: I do not mean to insult smokers here.

I find the fact my mom's trying to take away cutting but yet I'm still secretly doing it funny, in a way.

Both of us are liars. Both my mom and I are liars.

I think her lies are worse.

She smokes. After my dad got cancer in 4th grade she said she would be completely honest with me and that they'd quit. I don't know if my dad fully quit or not and honestly I'm not angry with him...
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Living the dream.
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Views 595 Comments 4 Ennui. is offline
Old

Telling wasn't worth it. (Triggering)

Posted March 6th 2013 at 01:46 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 24th 2013 at 04:31 AM by Ennui.

I told my mom today about the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She thinks it's all because of the fact that I'm unsure if I want to be a doctor or not and that it's okay if I don't want to be a doctor, and hell, I can be a garbageman if that's what I want. But I don't know what I want. She brushed off the fact that I told her in the letter that I don't want to live past eighteen as just thoughts. Didn't really take it seriously. But at least now I can tell J that.

She saw a cut...
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Living the dream.
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Old

Just... (Triggering)

Posted March 2nd 2013 at 05:55 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I don't know anymore.

I go from so motivated to tell my parents everything and even going so far as to type a letter and have HelpLINK review it for me to tell me how it sounds to completely chickening out and not being able to give it to them. Sorry for wasting your time.

I don't see myself in the future anymore. I don't see myself doing my dream job because it'll be too hard and I'll fail. College seems stressful. I don't see myself getting married or having kids....
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Living the dream.
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Views 591 Comments 5 Ennui. is offline
Old

Telling. (triggering)

Posted February 18th 2013 at 02:04 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated February 18th 2013 at 02:13 AM by Ennui.

I'll be posting in HL about this in a few months. But I needed to ramble out my thoughts in the meantime.

The suicidal thoughts won't go away. I've been thinking about it most days. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there. About overdosing. I have the day set and everything. The time, I'm a bit more flexible with but I do have the day. I still have pills from when I was storing them before. I haven't been sick or had many in my disposal to add more, but I can't say that I never...
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Living the dream.
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Views 702 Comments 2 Ennui. is offline
 
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