It’s been a while since I have blogged and a lot has happened but honestly I can’t think of most of it at this point so I’m just going to go with the main points.

I am very much not okay. I almost ended up in the hospital because I was incredibly suicidal but I decided to do a partial hospitalization program instead. I had to stop seeing my individual therapist because the insurance won’t cover both at once so I’m hoping she is willing to take me back after I am done or I will be...

I did a risk assessment with one of my group therapy clinicians the other day and it told us that I was high risk for suicide. I already knew that was going to be a thing. My mental health has been bad lately. The clinician let the crisis team know and they called me, but I was able to convince them I was fine.

I was supposed to go for a medical test on the sixth. They had me go off of my reflux medication to do it, and then the day before the test they called and said they made a...

My mixed episode turned into a severe depressive episode, also with a lot of anxiety.

I haven't showered in a week. I am going to tomorrow only because I have an MRI and I don't want them to get upset with me for being dirty. If not I'd probably push it off even longer. I can go to the gym just fine but showering is a nightmare and I don't know why. I never have issues showering when I'm depressed.

I've been self harming regularly, almost daily. It's nothing severe...

As the title says, if this keeps up, I will end up back in the hospital.

My mood has been getting worse lately, especially in the month of June. I had a lot of ups and downs despite being on a ton of medications. I have been irritable and snapping at my parents for stupid things like the fact that my Dunkin order was wrong. I also had impulsive spending to the point that I had $6.14 left in my bank account by the end of the month. I have also been self harming and my suicidal thoughts...

I followed a journal prompt asking you to write a letter to your future self. I decided to write a letter to me five years from now. I kind of like how it came out so I am posting it here too. Here goes:

Dear Me 5 Years From Now,

I honestly didn't expect that you would live this long, so congratulations I guess. I hope you don't have any permanent damage from any more suicide attempts that happened between 4/12/24 and now. Maybe you're finally not feeling as suicidal...

I started writing this and then something happened and it deleted itself, so I guess I'll try to remember what I was going to say.

I was doing relatively well for a few weeks. I really was. I hadn't been self harming and had generally been feeling okay. But then it crashed again and the depression and anxiety are back with a vengeance.

This weekend I was very depressed. I spent a lot of Saturday isolating by myself and was in bed a lot. I went to bed around 7:30, 8:00...

I feel like shit.

I'm not feeling any better. I'm going to PHP/IOP every single day but it's all stuff I've heard from being there so many times and it's just not helping and nothing is helping and I don't feel any better.

I want to die still. I have a potential date range picked out if things go as planned, but maybe I'll feel better before then and I'll change my mind. There's always a chance, right? The visiting nurse took my suicide method away from me but I ordered...

2/15/24 - Today I attempted suicide. I wanted the anxiety that had been getting progressively worse throughout the month to stop. I had been making plans for a while but didn't have a specific date until I decided it would be today.
My friend found out and made me call 911. The fire department came first, then the ambulance and police. They questioned me and then I got in the ambulance where they took my vitals and have me fluids. We live close to the hospital so the ride only lasted like...

I'm feeling low again. The medication I was put on a few months back worked for maybe 2-3 months and then I felt low again. I was going to kill myself after I finished the partial hospitalization program/intensive outpatient program but the medication was doing its job and I had hope that maybe things would be all right. So I didn't do it. But as usual it didn't last.

I don't get out much aside from the gym and group therapy. My therapist wants me to volunteer to get out of the house...

Things have definitely been up and down for me since I got out of the hospital in June.

I finished PHP/IOP but I made it clear that I didn't want to be there. I only completed it because my therapist said she wouldn't take me back if I didn't.

For the first few weeks I was self harming several times a week and didn't even care. If there was even the slightest inconvenience I was self harming. That's improved some but I still do self harm. I don't know if I'm ready to...