Rate this Entry

I don't have a voice anyway. (Triggering)

Submit "I don't have a voice anyway. (Triggering)" to StumbleUpon

Submit "I don't have a voice anyway. (Triggering)" to Google

Posted November 2nd 2013 at 03:56 AM by ¯|_(ツ)_|¯
Updated November 2nd 2013 at 04:19 AM by ¯|_(ツ)_|¯

Tags anxiety, depression, mother, parents, progress, self harm, suicide, therapy

Meeting with my therapist was today.

Went shitty. As expected. Don't know why I expected it to go any less.

Mom doesn't listen to anything someone says. I tell her my side of things and she just disagrees or brushes it off or puts it all on college. My therapist tells her she is worried that I'll end up dead someday (I agree) and my mom flips shit, screams at her, and leaves.

Yells at me throughout the entire car ride about how they're just thoughts and everyone gets thoughts but they don't mean anything, they're just thoughts. She yells at me about how her and my father have problems like trying to keep our house but it doesn't make them go "I should kill myself." Yells at me about how if I were truly suicidal I would have done it by now. Yells at me about how she doesn't understand why I'm going to therapy because it's just bullshit. Says that I haven't made any progress at all in the three years I have been going and therefore now she KNOWS that I am doing this all for attention and am just exaggerating it to get more attention. Says I should have let her know before letting her go in and get bombarded like that. Says my therapist is planting the ideas in my head and if she'd stop mentioning it I wouldn't think it.

Now I know I never have any chance of recovery and should just accept it. I should just accept the fact that I'm never getting better and will have to deal with feeling like shit for the rest of my life because my mom won't believe me and obviously doesn't give a shit about me. I'm living at home for college so I've got a lot longer of this. I can't afford to pay more in student loans than I have to and the colleges I'm looking at aren't more than 30 minutes away so no point in a dorm. So I'll get my Bachelor's degree before I can even think about living on my own and getting help. Maybe even my Master's degree, depending on where I go to college.

And in the meantime I'll just continue to try not to tear my heart out.

I should just stop complaining about my life because if my parents don't care or understand, what's the point? Nobody else deserves to hear my constant rambling. I'll just try and shut up as much as possible now. I'll tell my teacher how the meeting went on Monday and probably cry like hell, but then that's it. I'll try and keep my problems to myself. That'll fail, though, and I know it.

Fuck her, fuck my life, fuck everything.

I don't even want to be home anymore. I feel so low being here today my chest hurts so bad. My friend knows what happened and she and I went to the movies together and I felt so happy being out of the house but on the way home I got so low again knowing I have to stay there.

Just. ASDFGHJ. Whatever. I don't have a voice anyway.

Posted in Uncategorized

Views 707 Comments 4

« Prev Main Next »

Total Comments 4

Comments

I'm sorry things went not at all how we hoped it would at the meeting. I swear your mom and mine are related some how if not like carbon copies. As hard as it will be, just hang in there as best as you can. You know you have me and many other friends you can talk too, who do support you and WANT to support you. As I mentioned to you earlier, you can come to me any time and message me, if i'm not on yet i'll get it and reply asap. Even if that means a 20-page text message that you pain-steakingly had to type over the course of a couple hours XD but in all seriousness though, I am here anytime you need some1 to talk too, I may not always have the perfect reply but I do care about you and will always be here for you. :)

Posted November 2nd 2013 at 04:47 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline

When you get to college you can get help. You won't have to tell your parents what you are seeking help for. You won't even have to wait until college depending on when you turn 18.

I am sorry your mom refuses to listen to you. I know it seems as though she doesn't care. I don't understand why she doesn't want to listen but I don't think it is because she doesn't care. I think there are numerous reasons people refuse to listen to things pertaining to mental illness.

You can recover and get to a better place just don't stop believing in yourself and your ability to get better. Work on things with your therapist and keep turning to other people who know how things are with your family. You can do this. You are strong and you deserve recovery. Remember if you need anything please feel free to message me.

Posted November 2nd 2013 at 05:13 AM by

	Oh, Littlemaid, I'm so sorry. I wish I were over there just so I could hug you, because I hate to see you hurting like this. I don't have any pearls of wisdom right now, but I want you to know I'm here for you, so if you need someone to talk to you know how to get in touch with me. I love you, a lot. I hope you're safe. <3
	Posted November 2nd 2013 at 08:35 AM by Storyteller.

Dez.

Sometimes parents are shitty people. Sometimes they don't understand.
But you can recover, it is possible, there is always hope. And if you can't hope for yourself, then we can hope for you. We can help you see the worthwhile person you are, who is deserving of support and appropriate treatment.

Your Mother said some very hurtful things to you, and it's okay to feel angry and hurt. Heck, I know I'd feel destroyed if my Mum said stuff like that to me.

Rest assured that you are NOT attention seeking. The thoughts are horrible, especially when they're pervasive, and just because your mother doesn't understand doesn't mean nobody does.

Keep moving girl. I wish I could do more for you. <3

Posted November 5th 2013 at 03:01 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline