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Old

Nothing. (Triggering)

Posted May 10th 2014 at 05:17 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I got a new blade. Again. My friend sent me this one. Cut today for no particular reason except to try it out. This one works the best out of all of them. But it's still not enough. It still won't give me the satisfaction I want since I can't slice myself whenever I want. Now that summer's coming I have to be even more careful but everyone will find out at my birthday or graduation party anyway.

I can't stay happy for long right now anyway. I can be all happy and excited but it's...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 125 Comments 5 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I don't have a voice anyway. (Triggering)

Posted November 2nd 2013 at 02:56 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated November 2nd 2013 at 03:19 AM by Melancholia.

Meeting with my therapist was today.

Went shitty. As expected. Don't know why I expected it to go any less.

Mom doesn't listen to anything someone says. I tell her my side of things and she just disagrees or brushes it off or puts it all on college. My therapist tells her she is worried that I'll end up dead someday (I agree) and my mom flips shit, screams at her, and leaves.

Yells at me throughout the entire car ride about how they're just thoughts and everyone...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 90 Comments 4 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Scared.

Posted October 26th 2013 at 12:28 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

My therapist set up the meeting with my mom today. She didn't go into any details with my mom about what's going to be talked about, but she's going to suggest I am sent for an evaluation and possibly medication. I'm all for the idea, but my mom won't be.

I'm scared, so scared of what's going to come of this. She's going to act all calm to J and then flip out at me. She won't even consider getting me evaluated. What if she wants to check me for new cuts again (J isn't mentioning the...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 54 Comments 2 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Dunno how I feel. (TRIGGERING)

Posted April 19th 2013 at 05:40 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 24th 2013 at 03:30 AM by Melancholia.

It's like.

I don't feel overly bad, not horrible by any means and nothing much has happened except my period came. And now it's gone.
I still can't say I feel horrible, just eh I guess. I have my good moments but yet I'm cutting so much and I don't even know why. There have been at least seven instances this month, and a lot of resisting. I've made my thickest cut I've ever made and long to do it again but can't seem to figure out how. I've bled so much I've just slightly tinted...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 66 Comments 4 Melancholia. is offline
Old

New Events. (Triggering)

Posted March 16th 2013 at 01:05 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 24th 2013 at 03:28 AM by Melancholia.

Okay so I am 100% exhausted and look and feel like hell. So this blog may or may not make sense and it may or may not be long.

As some of you may or may not be aware I told my mom about everything that is going on in my life and it felt as if she brushed off the suicidal thoughts. I told her that I don't feel like I'll be living much past graduation and she brushed it off as just thoughts. Little does she know that I have pills.

The cutting has gotten worse and I'm...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 75 Comments 2 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Telling. (triggering)

Posted February 18th 2013 at 01:04 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated February 18th 2013 at 01:13 AM by Melancholia.

I'll be posting in HL about this in a few months. But I needed to ramble out my thoughts in the meantime.

The suicidal thoughts won't go away. I've been thinking about it most days. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there. About overdosing. I have the day set and everything. The time, I'm a bit more flexible with but I do have the day. I still have pills from when I was storing them before. I haven't been sick or had many in my disposal to add more, but I can't say that I never...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 73 Comments 2 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I miss it...*triggering*

Posted September 24th 2012 at 10:22 PM by escape♥


I miss having multiple, multiple reasons to laugh and smile every day, I miss seeing your face, your eyes, every single day. I miss feeling your hand in mine, I miss being happy to be alive in the morning, I miss not lying when I said “I’m doing great” or “I’m fine”. I miss feeling loved, I miss everything.
I miss being in a good place. I miss not wanting to cut through my skin, day in and day out. I miss being h a p...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
Views 109 Comments 1 escape♥ is offline
Old

Don't leave...

Posted April 12th 2012 at 08:53 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Today I was in therapy. Everything went well until she said that next week she was "learning who would be taking over for her" and that she'd find someone that I'd like and we'd have a few meetings together. Now, I don't know if she means she's retiring or just has to be away for a while due to circumstances or what, but I'm sitting here flipping out because I'm scared that she does mean she's retiring. I started to trust her and open up to her. I talked to her about my SH and everything...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 41 Comments 0 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Oy. (TRIGGERING)

Posted March 1st 2012 at 10:52 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I had a therapy appointment today. Thank fucking god. I feel a lot better now but realized after I left what I needed to talk to her about. That's annoying. And she always asks me if I've cut again and I have to LIE to her and say no because she's a mandatory reporter and would tell my mom. The real answer is yes, yes I have cut. I wish I didn't have to lie but I really don't want my parents taking away my phone, yelling at me, and grounding me. I really wish I could admit to it and don't really...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 43 Comments 0 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I'm just so lost... (TRIGGERING)

Posted February 16th 2012 at 11:12 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated February 17th 2012 at 02:25 AM by Melancholia.

I went to my therapist appointment and she wants me to see a psychiatrist. If I see a psychiatrist, my mom would only want me to see her once because we can't afford to see both a therapist and psychiatrist, and my mom still thinks nothing's wrong with me.
I'd be seeing the psychiatrist for self harm and a possible diagnosis of depression. My mom is a shitty listener and didn't hear the depression part until I told her, and my mom pretty much got pissed off and said that I really must be
...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 47 Comments 1 Melancholia. is offline


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