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Old

I hate myself. (Triggering)

Posted May 12th 2014 at 10:44 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated May 12th 2014 at 11:06 PM by Melancholia.

I wonder what it takes to qualify as "unstable" or a danger to yourself. I don't even think I want to get better.

I hate when you make a decision then realize the decision is bad and then you feel like shit. I should have finished the AP exam because now I feel guilty and worthless and like a failure for walking out and I've cried so much over this that I'm so exhausted now. I was crying so hard I was gagging. But even if I stayed I would have felt bad. I wasn't understanding...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 107 Comments 3 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Wellp. (trig?)

Posted January 19th 2014 at 08:14 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

It all hit me again. 65 in science isn't going to get improved because I realized from the start of everything that I can't do it and have more work for that class loaded on top of me to add on to all of it. Fun. Spent the other night crying because I realized how much of a failure I really am. Haven't studied. Any time I think about it I cry.

Math: Apparently what we are doing has a lot of "simple algebra" in it. Simple? God. I can't even do any of it.

...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 111 Comments 2 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I can't think of a title. (Triggering?)

Posted December 15th 2013 at 05:37 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Everything is triggering me right now which absolutely sucks. Art class made me want to cut myself so bad yesterday, which art hadn't done that to me in a long time. I wanted to cry and just stopped working for a while until my teacher walked up to me and asked me if I was confused and helped me. I'm so stupid. Can't even do simple art projects right let alone harder ones (and this one wasn't even hard).

My friend got into Wesleyan University. I probably should be happy for her but...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 59 Comments 2 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Not okay right now. (Triggering)

Posted November 22nd 2013 at 11:08 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Well, at this very moment I'm calm I guess but I know things are going to set me off. And they're going to set me off hard.

I don't know if it's because I have my period or what the hell this is but.

I didn't cut myself today but I did for two days straight. I mean it's not a horrible cycle but. It's not saying I didn't want to cut today, but things got in the way when I was triggered.

I almost started crying in like every class, had kids tell me to calm...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 84 Comments 1 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Giving up slowly. (Triggering?)

Posted October 23rd 2013 at 06:23 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated October 23rd 2013 at 11:26 PM by Melancholia.

Half of me cares, half of me doesn't. I don't know how to do anything in school anymore, half because I'm a stupid fuck and half because I just don't care anymore, but then I get back my grades and remind myself just how much of a worthless failure I really am.

And half of me still just wants to take the pills, god dammit, if only I had the courage to they'd be swallowed right now. And still want to slice up my arms with the pretty new tool. Though I'm going to the YOUTH Forum event...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 63 Comments 3 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Title. (Triggering)

Posted October 3rd 2013 at 02:29 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I've been posting here a lot lately.

Checked my grades maybe a minute ago. 90 in math already. Almost an 89, only reason it's a 90 is it rounded the decimal. 89 in gym already. My science grade isn't updated but I did poorly on my last test so it'll be around a C.

I'll never be able to make my gym grade up. The gym teacher this year just grades too harshly so if anything it's just going to get lower. And science and math are too hard and I don't know what I'm doing...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 53 Comments 5 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Oy. (TRIGGERING)

Posted March 1st 2012 at 10:52 PM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I had a therapy appointment today. Thank fucking god. I feel a lot better now but realized after I left what I needed to talk to her about. That's annoying. And she always asks me if I've cut again and I have to LIE to her and say no because she's a mandatory reporter and would tell my mom. The real answer is yes, yes I have cut. I wish I didn't have to lie but I really don't want my parents taking away my phone, yelling at me, and grounding me. I really wish I could admit to it and don't really...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 43 Comments 0 Melancholia. is offline


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