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*trig* Denial & Anger

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Posted June 14th 2012 at 04:15 PM by escape♥
Updated June 14th 2012 at 11:01 PM by Storyteller. (Please do not post any weight numbers.)



How could I possibly have an eating disorder? I'm overweight. Always have been, since kindergarten. I'm not some stick thin girl. I'm FAT. Seriously, don't comment on this say "oh hunn your so beautiful" or some shit like that. That's BULLSHIT. I'm obese, legit, BMI says so and everything.
If I'm so overweight, how the FUCK do I have Bulimia?! Like, that's basically impossible. God. I could loose [Edited] in a week. I could do it, and I think I will.
I was taking a bath this morning, and I realized how fat I am. Pinching the fat, and being disgusted just motivates me further to not eat.

And so far, I haven't.

I can't get clothes from Forever 21, Hottopic, Hollister, or Abercrombie. I can't wear junior sizes. I can't wear cute little bikinis. I get heat rash on my fat thighs because they rub together.
I was the fat, ugly girl every body bullied in elementary and middle school. I'm the fat girl who will probably never have more than like 6 boyfriends in my whole life. I'm the girl whose never going to be good enough. Never going to be perfect, never going to be thin. But god, I'm going to try so fucking hard.
I'm the girl who people say is the nicest person you'll meet, and when somebody ask what I look like, my friends would describe me as "cute" or "pretty" not like the skinny girls, who they would describe as "beautiful" or "gorgeous".
God. This is pissing me off just writing it.
But I'm only mad at myself, for letting myself get this way.
But, I'm only fat because of health problems. It's not like other fat people, who eat twinkies and don't run or move or anything. I mean, yeah, I'm your typical teenager who sits on her ass alot, because I'm lazy, but I eat pretty health-ily, and I run a mile with my mom 3 times a week. (even though we just started this week, )

I'm the fat girl, who no one likes.
I'm so fucking fat. I hate it, more than anything in the world.

God. I'm so ugly.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Kindred's Avatar
    You ARE beautiful. You ARE gorgeous. I like you. I admire your strength.

    You're strong and you're brave. Eating disorder aren't about weight, you know that sweetheart. They're a mental illness which clouds your judgement of yourself. Being thin, losing weight...it won't fix how you feel about yourself. We've all chased that happiness, thinking we'd be perfect if we just lost a few pounds, but it never came. Even if you do lose weight you'd not be able to see it. It's your head that's making you feel like this.

    You don't HAVE to be perfect. I'm not perfect- do you dislike me because of it? I don't think you do.

    BMIs are a load of crap. Don't listen to them. You need a doctor to tell you what weight is best for you. Everyone is different.

    Keep fighting. You know where I am, if you need anything, don't hesitate, okay? <3
    permalink
    Posted June 14th 2012 at 05:01 PM by Kindred Kindred is offline
  2. Old Comment
    escape♥'s Avatar
    I do love you. Your so amazing <3

    And yeahhh, I know that, but my eating disorder has control of my mind.. "your fat, ugly, you bitch. Do NOT eat today. If you don't eat, you'll be perfect and everyone will love you."

    Good thing I'm going to therapy soon I guess.
    permalink
    Posted June 14th 2012 at 05:32 PM by escape♥ escape♥ is offline
 
 
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