[Face Up.]

Hey,

That's a lot to go through. I'm sorry that you aren't getting support from the people around you and that you live in a country where being part of the queer community is looked down on. It's truly not fair to you, or anyone, that we live in a world where things like this are still so taboo and hated. Also, your mom saying she would kill herself if you were a lesbian (or queer) is an abuse tactic. Whether she does or not, it is NOT your fault. You are not at fault for living the life that is true to you. She is in control of her actions, you didn't "cause" anything.

Are there any groups of LGBTQ+ people you can find? Maybe even an online support group if you have social media such as Facebook. I know online is not the same as in person, but it may help you connect with people who can support you. Make sure the groups you join are set to private rather than public so your posts don't pop up on your family's newsfeed. Maybe since you are getting an education right now, there are people in your school that think/feel similarly to you. They might be more open-minded now that they are free to make their own choices. Maybe there are even some people on campus that are queer.

Going to another country honestly does sound like a great idea if you can swing it. I know it's hard to work while you are in school, but maybe you can get a part-time job and start putting money away. I don't know what it's like to move to a new country, but you can research what it requires and take the steps one at a time. Saving for a therapist who knows about queer patients is also a great idea. They might be willing to do a sliding scale for payments for you, where they take your income into account and charge you a different amount based on how much you are making. I can understand why you don't want to open up to a regular therapist though if they'll just send you to conversion therapy. It sounds like there aren't as strong of privacy laws where you live compared to where I live.

Remember that there is nothing wrong with you for being trans, and you deserve to have a good life. It isn't fair to you to simply push down who you are. Remind yourself that you are a good person, even though you're trans. You deserve nice things, and you deserve to have people in your life who support you. Try and find affirmations that work for you. They don't have to be anything major. For example, if "I love myself" is too strong for you right now, you can say "I like myself" or "I am doing the best I can."

I hope things look up for you soon. I can't even imagine the immense amount of stress you must be under. Keep your head up.

Take care,
Dez