Hi Amanda!!
I hope you're having a dandy day.
What you're saying certainly does make sense - but I have to wonder - is it Christians [And how they have expressed their faith] you have a problem with [Generally speaking] or Christ? If you believe that Jesus is the 'Son of God' and that He died on the cross for your sins - AND you accept the 'gift' of forgiveness that comes from what He did on the Cross - then you are - by definition - a 'Christian'. If you do not believe that - then [Again - by defintiion] you are NOT a 'Christian'.
In my profile - I list my faith as 'Christian - NON RELIGIOUS'. I believe very much in God and Jesus, etc., but I refuse to believe that one must subscribe to a man-made 'religion' [i.e. 'Baptist, Catholic, or whatever] in order to BE a Christian. As I see it and believe it - the only one between ME and GOD is JESUS. The Bible tells us to communicate with God [pray] in Jesus' Name. I do NOT have to be approved of by 'MAN' in order to be approved of by GOD. Simply accepting Christ and what He did for me MAKES me approved of by GOD. That's the gift.
That all said...... as a Christian - I don't believe those who commit suicide necessarily go to 'Hell'. And I don't know how anyone dare to make that presumption. The only one who has any right to make that decision is God Himself. And when it comes to Hell - I believe [And can back up that belief scripturally] that there is no such thing as a place of never ending torment. People who - in the end - still reject God - will eventually be annihilated. "Hell' - and all who are in it - will be thrown into the 'Lake of Fire' where it [and all who are in it] will absolutely, completely disappear.
There are three words that far too many people of 'faith' [And that includes all faiths] fail to use. And this is something that has bothered me all of my life. And those three words are... "I DON'T KNOW!" If more people would simply admit that they do NOT know everything and they do NOT understand everything - the more credibility they would have. Instead - they feel it's better to say SOMETHING than to say "I don't know'. As if admitting ignorance of something is shameful. It's NOT. What's shameful is lying to people -and leading them down a path that might very well move them further away from God. I can't imagine that God would be happy with anyone who is responsible for doing that to people.
I think it's very important for any person who struggles with their faith and who is trying to make some sense of all they have heard and read [And that includes ME] to appreciate the fact that much of what MAN has said about GOD just might be a LIE. [Or at least a truth so stretched out of shape that it is no longer recognizable as the truth] And that's where I am with MY faith. I believe in God and Jesus, etc., but don't for second assume that means I know all there is to know OR that I'm comfortable with everything I've read in the Bible. [Or heard from many of my fellow 'Christians'] Many parts of the Bible seem absolutely awful and horribly unfair and unjust. But I'm not going to toss my faith in God aside because I can't make sense of something. What I'm going to do is give God the benefit of the doubt and work my way towards understanding. And it hasn't been easy. And it's still not easy. And I still don't understand all of is. [Or even a lot of it] On top of all of that - I'm often very angry with God and very frustrated. But I still believe. As I'm working my way through that anger - I often ask myself, "What is coming from GOD - and what is coming from MAN?!" And more often then not - my anger at GOD - is really not about GOD at all. It's about my DAD.
Having faith is a struggle. God Himself recognizes this by letting us know that if someone's faith was a big as a mustard seed - he/she could move mountains. When was the last time YOU saw a person move a mountain?! lol
Just keep searching for the truth.
GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!