[kiwi_drops]

It's not just be that feels horribly split sometimes, right?

By that, I mean... wanting to recover, yet not quite being ready. I don't want to be like this, I want to be healthy both in body and mind. Yet it's... my secret, in a way of looking at it. It's mine, and I don't want to give it up, because I don't know if I'm ready to cope without it.

I hate this disorder, I honestly do, I wish I could be normal and without it. But it's here, and without it... it would be like stripping me of who I am, of what I have been for a number of years, and then... I don't know what I'll be, who I'll be, where I'll be...

Am I making even a little bit of sense?

I often feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. You know, if I don't give into what that little voice is screaming at me to do, then there's the feelings that creep up along with that. And then if I do... it's lying on the bathroom floor some hours later, too dizzy to move, looking particularly glamorous (not) and all in all... either way, I will feel completely worthless. Like absolute shit, disgusting, crawling, rotten...


Ahhh, I'm talking too much...

I want to give this up and be healthy, yet it's following me wherever I go. I'm fighting it most of the time, but sometimes I just can't. I give into it...