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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 10:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann2012 View Post
I was looking for some answers from him and he said "I don't remember half of what happened that night or why they happened. I just want to forget about the whole thing."

Well I wish I could forget but I'm covered in bruises. I don't know about anything anymore.

Ok , I posted on this earlier, but since you said this , I am starting to have doubts that he truely did just make an unwise mistake and have sex with you while drunk. I mean , he claims to have forgotten what happened, but was still able to have sex with you. Ive been drunk quite a few times, and though ive had segments of time that i couldnt remember, id probably remember having sex with a girl. It takes a ton of alcohol to literally forget everything and i dont think he reached that level.

but it may still be a drunken mistake on his part.

I mean he was drunk and he made a drunken mistake too, its not like he was 100 percent sober. I mean , although it is rape if you are too drunk to consent, there is no line where one can say that that line has been crossed. And I think that your question is basically asking : "was I too drunk to consent". And I think that is something that you and him need to work out amongst yourselves first. I think you need to definetely bring the issue up with him , cause to be honest, if he was having sex with you he definetely wasnt drunk enough to where he remembers nothing. Yea, he remembers a LOT more than he is letting on . I think you should tell him this (I mean you remember it, and you were more drunk than he , so he definetely remembers it). Tell him how much this event hurt you and that you dont think it was fully consensual. If he still says "i dont wanna talk about it" and acts like he doesnt care, then yea , I think he deserves to get reported to police. But if he feels guilty and all, and he acts truely appologetic and he regrets doing this to you, then he truely was simply too drunk to know the implications of what he was doing, and it was an honest mistake ; and in that case, I dont think you should report him to police. It may hurt talking to him about it, but I think that it would be a good idea for you to do so . Try to work things out, it will help demonstrate to you what kind of person he truely is. I mean, you said you had a crush on him, maybe when he was drunk he thought that you wanted sex. Though you said earlier that you dont want casual encounters, I am sure that that thought would not enter his mind while drunk.

It would be a lot easier for both of you to try to work this out among yourselves (if he is appologetic and it was a true mistake on his part) rather than spend years fighting this in court. I mean , if you charge him for rape, you would have this issue over your head for years waiting for the trial to start and then going to court. It would be years before you could finally move on, yet if you try to work things out with him , it may be easier to move on soon.

If he is uncaring,etc. and doesnt work things out with you, then its time to report it to the cops and get this issue taken care of. So that you can have closure about this and come to terms with what happened.

Another user has said that if he was over 18 and you were under 18 , that that would be statutory rape. This is NOT true. Most states have an age of consent of 16, not 18 (no idea why everyone thinks its usually 18), and even in the few states with age of consent of 18, there are close in age exceptions of usually 4 years. so he would have to be over 21, or in some states even older for it to be statutory rape.

Whether or not it meets the legal criteria for rape, I think it would be best to see what his attitude about this. Dont try to show immediately that you think it is rape, cause then he may pretend to care to save his ass from going to jail. Go to him and tell him your feelings, it will be hard, no doubt, but it sure as hell will be easier than facing him in a court of law. See what his reaction is, and see if he cares or not. Regardless of what the law defines as rape, I would only see it as rape if he conciously thought , "this girl is too drunk too know what is going on , I could probably get away with having sex with her.". Even though the law may say "if the person was too drunk to give consent", I dont think it would be worth the hardship(for either party) and time it would take to pursue a case where he simply was too drunk himself to be able to tell that you were too drunk to give consent. I mean unless he did this BECAUSE he knew you were too drunk to know what was going on, I dont think it should be pursued in a court of law. You got to remember, trying to convict him of rape would have the following effects: he'd get charged, then possibly released on bail , it would take around 2 years to go on trial , youd have a lot of emotions during this time- it would be stressful, then the trial would come and you would have to debate all of this in a courtroom , etc.

i am truly sorry this happened to you. I think you should truly sit down and talk to him about it, really implore that he tell you what happened. It will help you find out what went on that night and if it is rape or a drunken mistake that you both made. Theres no harm at all in talking to him about it, either way, you win: if you and him reach an understanding and peace between each other, then you win and dont have to live feeling bad,etc. If he gets angry and unsympathetic and then decide to bring this to a court of law , his unsympathetic reaction will be evidence showing that he intended to take advantage of you. either way, it would help.