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Exclamation rape or just sex? - August 1st 2011, 11:48 PM

I was at a party last night and I got so wasted. I took my phone in the pool without knowing it, poured my heart out about wanting a real mom and I couldn't walk, I could only crawl. I was really worried about my best friend that was with me that night and somehow I ended up in a room. I kept asking where I was and they kept telling me the owner's mom's room. Then I remember someone making out with me but I can't remember their face. I know who it was though because they told me when asked and I can remember their voice. It was a guy I have a crush on. Every time he would leave or anything I would fall out of bed and start crawling. Someone would pick me up and put me back on the bed. Then the guy would finger me, go down on me and have me boob **** him. He made me give him a hand job and a bj and get on top. I wasn't getting wet, I couldn't, and he started off with a condom on but took it off later. He was having problems getting it in and finally he got it in. During this time I asked if I was tight (he kept saying he couldn't get it in) and he said very. I was so drunk I can't remember feeling his tongue or fingers. He pulled out and had me give him a bj to finish him off and kept saying "don't use your teeth" I kept saying "I'm trying" then he busted in my mouth, on my face and on the bed.

Soon after the cops showed up at the house because my friends mom and my dad made a report that we were missing. She was passed out on the couch and I was on the floor hiding and pretending to be asleep. They came in when no one answered the door and sent us home with our parents.

I woke up today and I have bruises everywhere... my knees, legs, thighs, arms, top of my hands, back, face, and my sides. My vagina is really sore and I just looked, I'm really dry and it looks like rug burn and my vagina is bruised. I knoe I did some of the bruising on my own from falling off the bed but the rest aren't mine.

Every time I left the room someone had to tell me my boobs were hanging out and I also said something like "you're better than my ex and bigger". It hurt quite a bit and I know I made a lot of noise (moaning and such). Earlier that day we were all talking and I said I'm not into just having one night stands and I liked long term relationships. My bestie also liked the guy that had sex with me and I kept asking why me and asked why he doesn't do it with my friend (she wanted to with him).

I feel ashamed, used and low. I did everything he said without being in the right state of mind.

I don't know how to handle it and what to do. I've taken 3 showers today alone, threw up and slept all day. I don't want to tell my dad or anyone because it didn't feel like rape even though it probably technically is and I like this guy. I also don't want to deal with being raped again (I was sexually abused as a child by my brother and his friend). What would happen if I went to psychiatrist, would she tell? Drugs were involved too, we smoked pot earlier in the day.

One other thing, according to my calendar it was a fertile day for me. I was waiting to have sex again until I found a special someone. What do I do and was it rape?
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 12:08 AM

Personally if you didn't want to have sex at all you should have said no. And it didn't seem like you said no, whatsoever. If you had and he continued, that would have have been sex against your will, then that would have been rape. At any time you didn't have to do what he said and whatnot, but you didn't.
Although at the same time he knew you were drunk, he did not have to have sex with you in that state of mind.
At the end of the day it was just a huge drunken mistake.

And as far as being pregnant, if you miss your period or are late take a pregnacy test in a few weeks.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 12:18 AM

This was rape and I know it may be hard but you need to tell someone and file a report, I know you like him but if he could do this to you he could do it to someone else and you can report him to prevent that from happening. You really do need to report him and tell someone because it really isn't ok to go on knowing something like this happened and to just pretend it didn't. It's very unhealthy and as you pointed out, it was a fertile day for you which highly increases the chances of you getting pregnant, you need to report him and also I suggest seeing a doctor because you need to either try to get emergency contraception if it was in the last 72 hours or wait until you can find out if you are pregnant. I'm so sorry this happened to you but you really should do something to get him put somewhere where he can't do this to any one else.

[e] Actually I'm sorry to say but it was rape, Ashley. She was drunk and after you reach a certain BAL (Blood Alcohol Level) it can be tried as rape, under the influence as much as she seems to have been, she could not consciously make a decision to consent by law and therefore it was rape.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 12:32 AM

I don't want to report it. I just can't. I only want to get help to get past it.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 12:34 AM

Honestly reporting it would be best but I understand if you refuse. You do need to at least talk to someone about this though because it's not the kind of thing that you can or should just try to forget about because in the end it only does more harm to you emotionally and mentally.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 12:42 AM

I can't stand the thought of going through what I did as a kid. I only have my dad now and he's already disappointed in me for getting wasted.. I don't want this to be another thing to be upset about. He has a hard time as it is. My best friend is probably in tons of trouble so I can't talk to her about it and my dad can't really afford a psychologist.
That's partly why I'm here.. I just talked to him about me seeing one. I was holding back the tears the whole time and when he left I started crying a lot. It also hurts to move. If I'm pregnant I'm keeping it... I can't go to a doctor for this, my dad would ask questions why I needed to go. If I'm pregnant then I'll tell him but not until then.

I feel like I'm a huge disappointment.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 12:47 AM

Ok, well in the end it's all your decision but you really should try to talk to someone who can be there all the time because although TH can be a great place and resource, we can't physically be there for you and we can't always be there either.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 12:49 AM

I know. I really appreciate the help though, it does help quite a lot. Thank you.
   
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Lightbulb Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 01:54 AM

I just called and talked to another friend of mine. She's going to keep it to herself (or so she says) and I just needed to talk to someone. She listened to me and let me get my tears out. She said she's here for me and my best friend will be here for me.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 10:15 AM

I'm glad you talked to your best friend! Reporting it in the end is your decision, but I would also suggest you do it. This may be something that he has done before, and will do again.
As many have told you, you were raped. If you were under the influence, he had no right to do anything to you, you did not have the ability to give consent.
I would report it (your decision, however), then think about the pregnancy issue. With the amount of hours, you still have time to get a Plan B pill. I believe they can work for 72 hours afterwards. If you don't do that, I would wait a few weeks and take a pregnancy test, and then look at your options then.
Last, but more importantly, see a professional. This is not something you should suffer with alone.
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 01:12 PM

I was told last night I can't see someone without them calling the police. I've had enough with the police. I want to be checked to make sure there's no tearing or diseases, I can't though because of them reporting it. I can't help but feel sick all the time and I'm not hungry anymore so I've stopped eating. I feel depressed.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 04:38 PM

It sounds like a drunken mistake to be honest. It sounded like almost like a date rape UNTIL you had asked "am i tight". so you werent like passed out or anything, you were just intoxicated . that doesnt make it right what he did, but he was probably drunk as well. the fact that you were able to ask him questions means that its not really a date rape. it was a drunken mistake. everyone makes mistakes when they are drunk, and I think it would be best to just try not to think about it. I mean , what he did was really bad, I would never even halfway consider having sex with a girl who was that intoxicated. I think someone needs to go beat him up or something, but I do not think it is something that he needs his life ruined over. He was drunk as well. And you were talking, and you never said no.

I am truely sorry this happened to you. It isnt your fault. although ts not rape, its certainly not 100 percent consensual; you were half a beer away from it being rape. He definetely took advantage of you in a sick way, he is definetely a jerk, but it isnt rape.

Definetely do not talk to this scumbag ever again. I hope someone beats the shit out of him cause what he did was horrible.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 04:58 PM

If he was over eighteen, it's statuatory rape. Unless you are at the age of consent where you live.

Was he drunk as well? If he was sober, and you were drunk, I think that would definitely constitute as being taken advantage of. But, if he was drunk, and you were drunk, and you were saying he was better than your ex and stuff... it just sounds like something unfortunate that you should talk to him about, try to smooth over, and be wary of in the future.

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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 06:20 PM

I couldn't even see who it was. Those things I said were things I worry about in my real life. I can't even remember how I got in that room. I think he was sobered up by then, the only two who weren't were my friend and I. We had 4 shots of vodka, 3 beers and like 1 or 2 Smirnoffs. I was very drunk and it didn't register what was going on.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 06:33 PM

And that's why it was rape, I'm sorry that it can be confusing in some ways but it was Acquaintance Rape, because you were intoxicated to the point where by law you can not give consent to have sex. I'm sorry you've been through this, I know I've said it before but it can be a sad thing, but you can pull through, just stay strong and take in the advice I and others have given you.

Quote:
Definition of Acquaintance Rape-
From TH- occurs when someone you know compels you to have sexual intercourse against your will. Acquaintance rape can occur if you are passed out, too drunk to refuse, too frightened to argue, or when you do not give consent. Acquaintance rape is sexual assault.
From conesnt.unh.edu- Let's make this clear since alcohol muddies it up. Non-verbal clues are harder to give and to read when there's alcohol or drugs involved. The same is true for verbal communication. Therefore, someone who is drunk or under the influence of other drugs cannot give consent. Even if they say yes – it doesn't count. Like in football - if you score a touchdown but a penalty is called that nullifies it, the points don't count. So if you get a “yes”, but the other person is drunk, the “yes” doesn't count.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 06:40 PM

I was looking for some answers from him and he said "I don't remember half of what happened that night or why they happened. I just want to forget about the whole thing."

Well I wish I could forget but I'm covered in bruises. I don't know about anything anymore.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 07:44 PM

You really should seek some help for this. Friends and TH can only do so much, but we will not be able to help you like a professional can.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 10:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann2012 View Post
I was looking for some answers from him and he said "I don't remember half of what happened that night or why they happened. I just want to forget about the whole thing."

Well I wish I could forget but I'm covered in bruises. I don't know about anything anymore.

Ok , I posted on this earlier, but since you said this , I am starting to have doubts that he truely did just make an unwise mistake and have sex with you while drunk. I mean , he claims to have forgotten what happened, but was still able to have sex with you. Ive been drunk quite a few times, and though ive had segments of time that i couldnt remember, id probably remember having sex with a girl. It takes a ton of alcohol to literally forget everything and i dont think he reached that level.

but it may still be a drunken mistake on his part.

I mean he was drunk and he made a drunken mistake too, its not like he was 100 percent sober. I mean , although it is rape if you are too drunk to consent, there is no line where one can say that that line has been crossed. And I think that your question is basically asking : "was I too drunk to consent". And I think that is something that you and him need to work out amongst yourselves first. I think you need to definetely bring the issue up with him , cause to be honest, if he was having sex with you he definetely wasnt drunk enough to where he remembers nothing. Yea, he remembers a LOT more than he is letting on . I think you should tell him this (I mean you remember it, and you were more drunk than he , so he definetely remembers it). Tell him how much this event hurt you and that you dont think it was fully consensual. If he still says "i dont wanna talk about it" and acts like he doesnt care, then yea , I think he deserves to get reported to police. But if he feels guilty and all, and he acts truely appologetic and he regrets doing this to you, then he truely was simply too drunk to know the implications of what he was doing, and it was an honest mistake ; and in that case, I dont think you should report him to police. It may hurt talking to him about it, but I think that it would be a good idea for you to do so . Try to work things out, it will help demonstrate to you what kind of person he truely is. I mean, you said you had a crush on him, maybe when he was drunk he thought that you wanted sex. Though you said earlier that you dont want casual encounters, I am sure that that thought would not enter his mind while drunk.

It would be a lot easier for both of you to try to work this out among yourselves (if he is appologetic and it was a true mistake on his part) rather than spend years fighting this in court. I mean , if you charge him for rape, you would have this issue over your head for years waiting for the trial to start and then going to court. It would be years before you could finally move on, yet if you try to work things out with him , it may be easier to move on soon.

If he is uncaring,etc. and doesnt work things out with you, then its time to report it to the cops and get this issue taken care of. So that you can have closure about this and come to terms with what happened.

Another user has said that if he was over 18 and you were under 18 , that that would be statutory rape. This is NOT true. Most states have an age of consent of 16, not 18 (no idea why everyone thinks its usually 18), and even in the few states with age of consent of 18, there are close in age exceptions of usually 4 years. so he would have to be over 21, or in some states even older for it to be statutory rape.

Whether or not it meets the legal criteria for rape, I think it would be best to see what his attitude about this. Dont try to show immediately that you think it is rape, cause then he may pretend to care to save his ass from going to jail. Go to him and tell him your feelings, it will be hard, no doubt, but it sure as hell will be easier than facing him in a court of law. See what his reaction is, and see if he cares or not. Regardless of what the law defines as rape, I would only see it as rape if he conciously thought , "this girl is too drunk too know what is going on , I could probably get away with having sex with her.". Even though the law may say "if the person was too drunk to give consent", I dont think it would be worth the hardship(for either party) and time it would take to pursue a case where he simply was too drunk himself to be able to tell that you were too drunk to give consent. I mean unless he did this BECAUSE he knew you were too drunk to know what was going on, I dont think it should be pursued in a court of law. You got to remember, trying to convict him of rape would have the following effects: he'd get charged, then possibly released on bail , it would take around 2 years to go on trial , youd have a lot of emotions during this time- it would be stressful, then the trial would come and you would have to debate all of this in a courtroom , etc.

i am truly sorry this happened to you. I think you should truly sit down and talk to him about it, really implore that he tell you what happened. It will help you find out what went on that night and if it is rape or a drunken mistake that you both made. Theres no harm at all in talking to him about it, either way, you win: if you and him reach an understanding and peace between each other, then you win and dont have to live feeling bad,etc. If he gets angry and unsympathetic and then decide to bring this to a court of law , his unsympathetic reaction will be evidence showing that he intended to take advantage of you. either way, it would help.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 2nd 2011, 10:51 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now, but I'm a little confused.. You say that you didn't know what was going on, but you're able to give a quite detailed description of what happened that night. That leads me to think that you weren't really all that drunk, or else you probably wouldn't be able to remember all of those details.

I still think you should get professional help about this though, they should be able to clear up a lot of your questions better than we can.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 12:08 AM

Legally speaking yes, it's statutory rape because can't consent to have sex when intoxicated, as you lack the mental awareness to say yes and know the full consaquences. Personally speaking, I think that it's a good reason not to drink when you're under 21, not get drunk, not sleep in a house where there's a party going on, and have a "party buddy" who watches out for you. As such, personally, in my opinion, it's your fault for not saying no and getting intoxicated, legally, it was rape.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 01:44 AM

I had a crush on him because he was cute. My mind kept going to different things and I was so drunk I couldn't feel him go down on me or ne hit the floor so hard to bruise deeply. I didn't understand truly what was going on because I had no idea where I was at or who was with me. It fully hit me the next day and I keep going through the events in my head. Everyone else was running around and sounded sober. He was sober enough to get a condom and get on top of me, he would put me on top of him and I would fall over. It's like I didn't have control of my body or mind.

At one point I connected him with my ex (his voice and hair) which I know sounds weird after saying he was bigger than him. When people would walk in he would jump off of me. I don't remember every detail but I only remember some of what I heard. I know my words were extremely slurred or I was mumbling or something because he would try to repeat what I said.

I told my friend the whole story and she wonders if my friend and I were drugged. It's very possible because we had something different in our cups and we did set them down. I can remember more details about when I was sexually abused as a kid and that was over 10 years ago. I really feel he wasn't as drunk as he's trying to make it sound. Earlier when we were smoking (drugs were involved) he and his friend said "someone's getting laid tonight".

I can't talk to him because he moved a long ways away and I know he'll stick to what he's saying now. This guy chewed me out for dating someone and not giving his friend a try. I think he might be a rather controlling guy.

Oh and after my friend heard the whole story and saw my bruises she said it's rape. I just want to get help and move on. I don't want cops involved.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 05:28 AM

I completely change my mind. I am truly sorry if i insulted you Ann. This definetely sounds like rape now. Report his ass to the cops please. He definetely wasnt that drunk. That is fucking BS what he said about not being able to remember half of it, he can remember it, trust me. You remember quite a bit despite being much drunker than him, so he definetely remembers it. So many people use the "i dont remember" excuse for something they did wrong while drunk, he is obviously doing just that, I mean he was able to put a condom on , he was embarrassed when someone walked in and saw you two having sex (he got off you when someone walked in, indicating he still had some inhibitions and wasnt that drunk; or he could have known what he was doing was obviously rape and didnt want to be caught). he certainly wasnt drunk enough to where he couldnt remember it. The bruises are from you constantly stumbling and falling over and hitting objects during the sex as well as him trying to place you into position while you were falling and hitting things, which along with the fact that you would crawl out of the room with boobs hanging out means that you were basically on the verge of passing out you were so drunk.

I am not sure if you were drugged. I mean it certainly is possible, but its not like most drug dealers carry that. a lot of dealers just have weed , coke, and crack. What seems quite possible is that he replaced your drink with a drink made of Everclear alcohol (which has 2.5 times the strength of vodka, so it willl get you wasted rapidly) and something to mask the flavor. Was it a beer or was it a drink made of juice or something to mask the taste? In the case of the everclear thing, i am just speculating, but that doesnt mean it wasnt a spiked drink, i mean it still would be a spiked drink if he did the everclear thing, because you werent told that strong alcohol was put in. vodka has only 40 percent alcohol, and the strongest everclear has around 95 percent, but the weaker version has like 75 percent or something, which is still pretty powerful stuff at around 2-2.5 times the strength of the distilled liquors you are used to; 2 shots of the 190 stuff would burn your mouth like alcohol never has before if drank pure, but if he could dilute it in a large drink with something to mask the flavor, those 2 shots that he would probably put in two of your drinks separately would add the equivalent of 5 beers to your alcohol consumption, and without your knowledge. everclear has been used in date rape in the past. this isnt your fault for having the everclear, its very potent stuff, and its not a common distilled liquid people like to drink for pleasure as its rather painful to take shots of 95 percent alcohol. for date rape, they usually put the everclear in jello shots, do you remember having jello shots. or maybe he used xanax, which is the only thing that is commonly sold on the streets that could potentially be used as a date rape drug.

Of course this was planned! he had someone pick you up and put you back on the bed when you fell! that right there demonstrates that this wasnt some mistake he made while drunk. Sounds like he wanted to have sex with you all along , told his friends, and then made this disaster happen.

while its somewhat possible (doubtful) that he truly doesnt remember , I dont understand how he could "do it" when he was that drunk. He wouldnt be able to "get it up" if he was that drunk.

I was at a party and saw this girl who was smashed and wasnt saying anything and was throwing up, but could still walk with support. She wasnt nearly as drunk as you , and I would still consider her to have been unable to consent . So it was definetely rape what happened to you. It was just that your first post that you made in this thread made it sound like it was just a drunken mistake.

now that you add all the details, it is rape in my opinion. i am sorry this happened to you. It is sick what he did to you , and it is even sicker that multiple people were in on this and would lift you back on the bed.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 05:48 AM

They said that it was vodka but I can drink vodka without a chaser, this stuff I couldn't and one of the girls said something about the high alcohol content. That would explain why my friend and I were both smashed... I used beer as a chaser and it's possible that they put more in. I'm definitely giving up alcohol for a while. The thought of drinking makes me feel sick.

I'm bothered because I don't know for sure how I got most of the bruises, I have a small black eye and my cheek is bruised and swollen, I also have what looks like fingerprints all over me. It is possible that I got them from being picked up. One other thing is I know I passed out for a time because I'm missing some hours. We got smashed at 9 and I was taken home at 3.

I'll be going to a counselor sometime. If I tell her she won't contact police, right? The cops here hate me and I have a long history with them because of my family and rebellious years. I also don't want to be taken away from my dad. My friend I talked to today said she was going to get me the plan B pill but her mom wouldn't let her. I don't want it anyway because I view it as an abortion pill and that goes against my views. If I have a baby I WILL get child support.

I'm a little afraid for school because it feels like everyone knows and I'm afraid they will attack me if I come out.

Does anyone know how long the bruises and chaffing can last?
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 06:11 AM

In the end, it doesn't matter if he drugged you or not, because of your amount of intoxication, it was rape. And I know telling the police sounds scary, but please, he needs to be punished for what he did to you, and other girls need to be protected in case he ever did it again. Have your supportive friends come with you perhaps, but please, I would recommend you tell the police.
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PS: You may want to label this as triggering for assault victims, by the descriptive nature. But you're not in trouble or anything, it just may be better for those who could be triggered.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 09:51 AM

Well, he did take advantage of the fact you were drunk, but then again You chose to do some things :/

Buttttt, you DIDN'T GIVE CONSENT AND YOU WERE MIGHTY DRUNK. And he took advantage. But the fact that you chose to partake in some acts (drunk or not, YOU choose to) a rape cry will not be taken seriously in thic case. Even though (repeating self) he took advantage. What I mean is by choosing to, you were asking questions about the sex ("am I tight") etc. I KNOW you were really drunk, but it goes two ways, he took advantage, you allowed him to.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 05:51 PM

I tried to but I don't know how. I'm limited with what I can do on my phone.

I just found out the guy either blocked me on fb or deleted his profile, I'm guessing he blocked me. I only sent him 1 message which he replied with the "I barely remember half the night" thing and I said k. Isn't that cool of him. I know now for sure that he remembers it.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 06:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann2012 View Post
They said that it was vodka but I can drink vodka without a chaser, this stuff I couldn't and one of the girls said something about the high alcohol content. That would explain why my friend and I were both smashed... I used beer as a chaser and it's possible that they put more in. I'm definitely giving up alcohol for a while. The thought of drinking makes me feel sick.

I'm bothered because I don't know for sure how I got most of the bruises, I have a small black eye and my cheek is bruised and swollen, I also have what looks like fingerprints all over me. It is possible that I got them from being picked up. One other thing is I know I passed out for a time because I'm missing some hours. We got smashed at 9 and I was taken home at 3.

I'll be going to a counselor sometime. If I tell her she won't contact police, right? The cops here hate me and I have a long history with them because of my family and rebellious years. I also don't want to be taken away from my dad. My friend I talked to today said she was going to get me the plan B pill but her mom wouldn't let her. I don't want it anyway because I view it as an abortion pill and that goes against my views. If I have a baby I WILL get child support.

I'm a little afraid for school because it feels like everyone knows and I'm afraid they will attack me if I come out.

Does anyone know how long the bruises and chaffing can last?
Dont worry , they wont attack a girl for admitting to have been raped, theyd attack HIM. She may tell police, they are required to tell in cases of current abuse, I am not sure if this qualifies as current abuse (it may have to be something repeated that will happen again in the future, im not sure). The police would still do something about a rape, and besides its the prosecuters who press charges , not the police.

I know of no clear liquors that taste that much stronger than vodka and yet are still 80 proof. I mean 80 proof whiskey tastes stronger to me than 80 proof vodka , despite the same alcohol content, but its dark. So this leads me to believe that what you received was something a bit stronger than the 80 proof liquors that you are used to having. it could have been everclear. which would get you drunk pretty fast. and i mean extremely fast. I mean if you had like 3 beers and lets say they put put more alcohol into each beer, as you said. and meanwhile you drink 2 shots of everclear. if they put between half a shot to a whole shot of vodka into each beer, you could have had the equivalent of 8-10 beers all in an hour. and then probably still drank later or before, so your BAC could have been like 0.25 or something you are lightweight. vodka is weak compared to everclear, vodka(40 percent) is closer wine(15 percent) in alcohol concentration than it is to everclear(75 or 95 percent depending on type and state you are in).

I wont attempt to dissuade you about your abortion beliefs, because that must be firmly rooted in you, but just remember, unless he has a well paying job and a lot of money, collecting child support from him may be hard. but then again i dont know the laws on that

"Does anyone know how long the bruises and chaffing can last?" my answer: hopefully long enough so that they are still visible to the police when you report him.

You had better make that decision to tell the cops or not fast, and I mean now, like today. The problem with finding someone guilty of rape is that the girl is too traumatized to tell and waits until all of the hard evidence is gone. theres a lot of evidence now, probably enough for conviction, i mean you have your testimony, your friends testimony, your bruises (thats good evidence right there) , and a swab test that they could only do on you within a few days of the rape to determine if his dna is there (establishes sex occured, very strong evidence), and perhaps other witnesses of events that day and night (witnesses disappear as time goes on). Theres probably enough evidence to defeat him a court of law right now, but a week from now there may not be, so act fast. i know its a lot of hard decisions to make, but you have to be strong now more than ever, although unfortunately, this is also when its hardest to be strong.

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Re: rape or just sex? - August 3rd 2011, 08:46 PM

I can't tell the police... the people at the party wouldn't testify because they are best friends with him and my one friend that was there was asleep the whole time. She's currently in a lot of trouble and I haven't talked to her yet and probably won't until school starts (on the 19th).

My throat has been killing me recently too. :/ it's my senior year and then I'll be away from my classmates... my friend that I told everything too thinks that everyone at the party was in on it, I'm not so sure though.

I haven't even told my dad... I can't because his life is stressful enough and I don't want to be more of a disappointment. It's difficult decisions and I hope I'm making the right ones. I think I'm older than the guy, I will be 18 in about a month. As time goes on I question some of the stuff I remember but the bottom line is I know what happened because for now I have proof. I tried writing everything down in a notebook but it's hard because I don't know the order of everything and things come and go.

I'm sure everything will get better soon. Thank you all for your help.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 6th 2011, 01:44 AM

I just talked yo my friend that was there with me and she remembers the same last thing I do before blacking out, drinking our last beer but not finishing it. She thinks we might have been messed with.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 6th 2011, 11:52 AM

So you at no point stopped and said "No, I don't want to go any further, please stop"?
And you decided to along with it without any threats of coercion?
And you were drunk by your own choice?
And you only regretted it afterwards?

I wouldn't consider it rape, no. I think you just made a mistake and now you regret it and are looking for a way out, personally.

Rape would imply that it was against your will. It also ruins his entire future because of your choice to get drunk.

Legally, it's rape. You were drunk so the law believes you were unable to understand your surroundings, much like a toddler, and so could not have given true consent, even though you did, therefore he's an evil nasty person who took advantage of you and had sex with you against your will. I think the fact that you actually wanted it, went along with it and asked him to use a condom means that you actually had a fairly good idea of what was happening at the time. Regretting it past the act is not the same as rape, in my books.

Honestly, I understand why you feel the way you do. It sounds like you regret it quite a lot. But I don't think that means he raped you. As I said, you were totally okay with it at the time, and you were drunk by your own choice.

One last point: if he was over 18, seeing as you're 17, that's statutory rape, technically. Also, whether or not he was drunk too also changed whether or not it was acquaintance rape.

Last edited by forfrosne; August 6th 2011 at 11:59 AM.
   
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Re: rape or just sex? - August 8th 2011, 02:25 PM

is it possible that he didn't really know what he was doing either? maybe you were just two horny drunk people who happened to end up in the same room? i don't know...


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 9th 2011, 01:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonsterCosmonaut View Post
So you at no point stopped and said "No, I don't want to go any further, please stop"?
And you decided to along with it without any threats of coercion?
And you were drunk by your own choice?
And you only regretted it afterwards?

I wouldn't consider it rape, no. I think you just made a mistake and now you regret it and are looking for a way out, personally.

Rape would imply that it was against your will. It also ruins his entire future because of your choice to get drunk.

Legally, it's rape. You were drunk so the law believes you were unable to understand your surroundings, much like a toddler, and so could not have given true consent, even though you did, therefore he's an evil nasty person who took advantage of you and had sex with you against your will. I think the fact that you actually wanted it, went along with it and asked him to use a condom means that you actually had a fairly good idea of what was happening at the time. Regretting it past the act is not the same as rape, in my books.

Honestly, I understand why you feel the way you do. It sounds like you regret it quite a lot. But I don't think that means he raped you. As I said, you were totally okay with it at the time, and you were drunk by your own choice.

One last point: if he was over 18, seeing as you're 17, that's statutory rape, technically. Also, whether or not he was drunk too also changed whether or not it was acquaintance rape.
This.

You claim you don't remember it, don't remember wanting it/giving consent, etc. yet in your OP you quote dialogue that was stated while it was taking place. You then go on to say you and your friend feel you were drugged, but you honestly remember an awful lot for there to have been much of a chance of being slipped the date rape drug (though someone correct me if I'm wrong). You didn't state that you said "no" or even tried to fight him off; you state instead that you complimented him on his size and told him he was better than your ex. Safe sex was, for the most part, practiced, and if you were moaning, assuming he was drunk also, who's to say he didn't interpret them to be moans of pleasure? I'm still unclear on how you got the bruises.

If he wasn't drunk/drinking as well, then that changes things, but if he was, who's to say he doesn't remember much of it? Or perhaps he does remember it and regrets it as much as you do. In the end, though, drunk or not, legally rape or not, you still did not make an effort to fight him off, say "no," etc. At least from what you said here, you did not outwardly express that you did not want him to have sex with you or that you did not want to behave sexually with him. I liken this to when a boyfriend tells his girlfriend "if you loved me, you'd have sex with me," she does, and she later regrets it. The circumstances are shitty, but it's still not rape or sexual abuse, and I don't see drunken sex (unless there was an obvious struggle or a very explicitly stated "no") as being rape. If it was, we'd have a hell of a lot of people being taken in for raping their partners or others they're attracted to. To me, this sounds like it was a drunken mistake. Very unfortunate, very regrettable, and certainly worth talking to your counsellor about, but to me it screams "mistake" more than rape.


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Re: rape or just sex? - August 9th 2011, 01:52 PM

Yeah, I don't think you would win a rape case. You let him, drunk or not. You didn't try to stop him or fight him off. It just sounds like two very drunk, very horny people who did something they regret. It happens and to be fair, it isn't rape.




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Re: rape or just sex? - August 11th 2011, 12:45 AM

it is indeed rape... sorry, but it is...
sorry this happened to you...

much luck to you,
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