I know I shouldn't and its wrong. But why does it feel so nice when its wrong?
Monday afternoon I had this cutting rage. All that was going on in my mind was CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT!!!!!!!!! I wanted the scars the pain all over me. I''d never cut before this and always believed never would. But this sudden rage made me do it. I talked to people on chat about it. They managed to calm me down a bit but not enough. I cut. Though had it not been for them I would have surely made deep gashes anywhere I could find place I was sooo mad. I didn't even manage to get a single drop of blood.
I used the sharpest blade I could find in my drawer. (I have had blades in my drawer for years. And After reading what is self harm I discovered that I've done it before as a kid.)
Now the blade was not very sharp and I wasn't getting a good grip on it. So tuesday evening when I started cutting again (I was studying for a test and no one was around, so I was like, lets cut!) i thought maybe paper cutter will do the job better. And I had one within 2 hours. And then before sleeping I cut. There was some blood this time.
I was thinking later on why I want to cut. And then I read this article someone has posted on here. SO here's why I do it---
Expressing feelings you can’t put into words
Releasing the pain and tension you feel inside
Making you feel alive, or simply feel something, instead of feeling numb
And all day today my mind was towards the cut in my leg and the throbbing pain each time I banged my leg. It felt so good. I want to do it again and again. I want the scars everywhere. I want to feel the pain everywhere. Its like all the feelings I kept inside for years coming out. Visible to everyone.
ANd I have read alternatives and all. They don't even come anywhere close to how good this feels.
And I was thinking about seeing the school counsellor (given up on that now), but what happens when I tell her about this
Here's to hoping my friend doesn't notice this thread