Triggering (SH): I started cutting

[Solivagant]

I know I shouldn't and its wrong. But why does it feel so nice when its wrong?
Monday afternoon I had this cutting rage. All that was going on in my mind was CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT!!!!!!!!! I wanted the scars the pain all over me. I''d never cut before this and always believed never would. But this sudden rage made me do it. I talked to people on chat about it. They managed to calm me down a bit but not enough. I cut. Though had it not been for them I would have surely made deep gashes anywhere I could find place I was sooo mad. I didn't even manage to get a single drop of blood.
I used the sharpest blade I could find in my drawer. (I have had blades in my drawer for years. And After reading what is self harm I discovered that I've done it before as a kid.)
Now the blade was not very sharp and I wasn't getting a good grip on it. So tuesday evening when I started cutting again (I was studying for a test and no one was around, so I was like, lets cut!) i thought maybe paper cutter will do the job better. And I had one within 2 hours. And then before sleeping I cut. There was some blood this time.

I was thinking later on why I want to cut. And then I read this article someone has posted on here. SO here's why I do it---
Expressing feelings you can’t put into words
Releasing the pain and tension you feel inside
Making you feel alive, or simply feel something, instead of feeling numb


And all day today my mind was towards the cut in my leg and the throbbing pain each time I banged my leg. It felt so good. I want to do it again and again. I want the scars everywhere. I want to feel the pain everywhere. Its like all the feelings I kept inside for years coming out. Visible to everyone.

ANd I have read alternatives and all. They don't even come anywhere close to how good this feels.

And I was thinking about seeing the school counsellor (given up on that now), but what happens when I tell her about this

Here's to hoping my friend doesn't notice this thread

[BlaineG.]

Hi There,

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. Did you try distracting yourself? Is this your first time cutting ever in your life? Are you currently seeing a therapist? Sorry for all the question! :/

Please feel free to PM anytime

Take Care,

AbusedandIgnored

[Charlai]

I understand how you feel but cutting is not the answer to anything it is dangerous to yourself and it pushes away everyone who cares about you away try something that makes you feel good or better. Or think about something that makes you happy or sit and think about ALL the consequences and why you are doing it and see how you feel.

[Solivagant]

Originally Posted by AbusedandIgnored

Hi There,
1. Did you try distracting yourself?
2.Is this your first time cutting ever in your life? Are you currently seeing a therapist?
3.Sorry for all the question! :/

1. Been doing that for years now. But cutting just feels so good. Its like getting out everything inside of me out on my body where I can see it. The way my body feels when I cut is what my heart has felt for years.
2.Cutting, yes. SH, no. I've been doing minor SH for years without realising it.
3. You won't understand me till you ask questions so ask as many as you want

[Solivagant]

Originally Posted by Charlai

I understand how you feel but cutting is not the answer to anything it is dangerous to yourself and it pushes away everyone who cares about you away try something that makes you feel good or better. Or think about something that makes you happy or sit and think about ALL the consequences and why you are doing it and see how you feel.

I did think about it. ANd the thing is, I don't feel happy sad anymore. That is one of the reasons why I started cutting. To feel something.

[Philomath]

I really think you should try talking to the school counselor about this.
She shouldn't have to tell your parents because you are over thirteen and in the US, that is the age for confidentiality. However, if she feels that you are a serious danger to yourself and that you could possibly go to far, she will probably contact them.
I understand when you say you feel nothing. That's how I feel at times, I don't even know sometimes why I am cutting, I just do it at times for no real reason. I know that sounds weird but it is true.
You have to figure out though how to deal with why you are cutting yourself, knowing why is a good first step, now getting help from a counselor or therapist will be the next step to figure out how to learn how to cope with how you feel, or in this case, do not feel anything.
Also, I really hope you get help for this and stop soon while you aren't to far into the cycle of cutting because it can be very hard to quit and it only gets worse as time goes on. Stopping is easier to do when you are not to far into it but that doesn't mean it's really really easy, it just means that finding alternatives and using them is easier to do sense your mind will not be as focused on it as it is with someone that has been cutting for a very long time.
I really hope this helps and if you ever need help or just want to chat, you can PM me.

[TaylorRwarr]

I really think you should talk to someone who can get you help about this.
I've sort of been were you are, the part about just not being able to express what you're feeling any other way then cutting. I started cutting when I was nine and I'd kept at it until a little over a year ago, but believe me, doing this will make you feel better in the short term, but in the long run, you're hurting and nothings being done about it.
If you keep at this it could become a strong addiction. For some people cutting can be a worse addiction than any drug.
The sooner you try and stop the easier it will be, it wont just be like:
Oh I feel so much better I can put the razor down and go on with my life!
It would be more of just one step at a time, doing things to take your mind off it.
The thing most people who cut dont understand, and I didn't either, is feeling this way happens to everyone. No matter who you are or what's happened in your life, you're going to start feeling depressed or numb, I mean sure there's some people who cant even get out of bed in the morning and there's some people who have it worse than others, but you're not alone in this.
There's so many other people going through the same thing as you.
This may not help you but it helps me and a lot of other people its called the Butterfly Project.
You basically draw a butterfly with four wings on your wrist or leg or where ever you normally cut with sharpie or pen, and you put someone you care about's initials in the wings and a heart in the one left over. You cant scrub it off and you dont try and remove it, you let it fade naturally and if you cut anywhere you kill the butterfly. For some reason it helps, I know it sounds weird but if you actually name the butterfly it kinda makes you not want to hurt it.
I dont know if this helped at all, but I know what will help is getting real help.
So if you dont do it for anyone else, do it for yourself.

[Solivagant]

Originally Posted by Total Light Storm

I understand when you say you feel nothing. That's how I feel at times, I don't even know sometimes why I am cutting, I just do it at times for no real reason. I know that sounds weird but it is true.

Exactly same. Thats totally how I am about this >_< .
I've been trying to talk to the counselor for more than a month now. I went to her everyday for 2 weeks and just couldn't find her free ever!! >_<
I went today too, 2-3 times. She wasn't free again. I am getting pissed off by this now. Why can't I ever find her free!!!!!!!!!

[Solivagant]

Originally Posted by TaylorRwarr

I really think you should talk to someone who can get you help about this.
I've sort of been were you are, the part about just not being able to express what you're feeling any other way then cutting. I started cutting when I was nine and I'd kept at it until a little over a year ago, but believe me, doing this will make you feel better in the short term, but in the long run, you're hurting and nothings being done about it.
I dont know if this helped at all, but I know what will help is getting real help.

It doesnt even make me feel better in the short term anymore. That lasted only for the first 2 days when I had this "Don't hurt yourself more!!" kind of thing in my head. Thats the only time cutting made me feel something. After that I just do it for I guess the scars. I want the hurt inside me to come out, to be where I can see them. I like to see the damaged skin. But even cutting doesnt make me feel anything. And about the getting help thingy read the above post.
Thanks for reminding about the butterfly project. I'll try it someday, not now, I don't feel like stopping right now.