[i_like_black]

Thank you so much for helping me. I guess you know you're good at what you do, but I think there's more to it than that. I think it was sensing that you actually care, then hearing you say it out loud.
I was in the darkness and you said we'd find a way out together. Not that you'd help me find a way out, but that we would find a way out. That made all the difference in the world.
I want you to know that I love you. I don't know how to articulate that properly. It's simple and it's elegant - I love you because you have showed on countless ocassions that you care for me.

I want to tell you that I'm back in that darkness now, but I don't want you to feel bad. See, you've done everything you can. I just got so sick of taking the pills, I couldn't hack it any more. I stopped taking them and now I feel fresher - more real. More dangerous. I've been thinking about suicide on and off for weeks, it started before I went off my meds. I have good plans but I also want to die. I always want to die. It's incongruent with everything. The medication didn't take away the wanting to die, it just made me feel numb to it.
I can't really tell you about the monsters in my head, that wait around corners in my mind with their teeth dripping with my psychological flesh. My heart feels heavy, like there is a weight in my chest. And yet at the same time I feel so light and so carefree, I can laugh at nearly everything, and smile at so much more. Nothing makes sense.

I want you to know if I don't make it
I want you to know that I TRIED
I want you to know if I don't make it
I want you to know that I LIED

And I suppose; I suppose I guess
That when I'm tired and it feels there's nothing left
It's so easy just to ponder
Close my eyes, lay back, dream of death.

<3