TeenHelp - Trying to support myself with my upcoming birthday

Hi everyone,

So I am turning 30 years old this year, in less than one month and I have been a member of TH since October 2011 so approximately 12 and a half years! So I'm turning to this community for support and perspective.

I was thinking how I want to do something meaningful this year for my birthday but I couldn't place my finger on exactly what I had wanted. I had a wide range of birthday experiences but it was all within the same paradigm. I sort of wanted to start with maybe a new tradition. I'm not sure if I will have the classic things this year with all the materialistic side of birthdays but regardless I want something deeper, something more.

So I was realizing that my love language is words of affirmations and encouragement and I think in light of struggling with my mental health a lot I came up with this ides that I can invite my friends, acquaintances and certain family members to recall and express to me their love in words or pictures. It can be a favorite or special memory of me, something i have taught them, a strength or quality that they admire about me or something unique about me that makes me ME. I think that my state of mind can really benefit hearing loving words right now. And in my old age of 30 years old, I have outgrown the typical "happy birthday, hope you have a good day" or even "If you make a party, I will try to attend". Because while I'd love to beat some of my isolation I've been feeling in any way I can and have a reason to gather my loved ones all in one place and be the center of attention while we eat cake and food, once they leave, I will feel alone again and may even feel heartbroken that the friendships don't feel so strong. I think the feedback that I am loved and valued can really help with my self-esteem and feel a sense of belonging on earth, that the day I was born is the day that G-d, thr universe, whoever decided the world needs me.

Regaining that feeling of connection would probably last longer too. When I feel loved and cared for, I can feel a groundedness in who I am and can manage alone time and disappointment if friends are too busy. Because I have that feedback to refer back to.

My question is I guess is how to ask on a practical level for this kind of support as a way to support myself on my upcoming milestone birthday without sounding blaming or desperate? It isn't my intention to blame anyone, but I do feel sad and hurt and alone. As for desperate, I feel like I've been deprived of feeling close to even a single individual lately and that has very much been impacting my quality of life. The fact that my family of origin are incapable of providing meaningful support to me as been a wound that I'm constantly coping with and the attempt to make friends and build a sense of community outside of my family has been challenging and like a constant pro-active "fight" that sometimes becomes exhausting and not even satisfying. The rewards are slow and often short-lived. I am in a vicious cycle of interpersonal stress with only scattered moments of relief.

I just want my birthday to feel genuinely happy for me and I've definitely came close some years more than others but I've never celebrated with the same people more than a couple of years in a row because my support system is unstable and I cannot shake off that sadness of not having a few people to be "my tribe" so to speak.

I think that creating a collection of people saying loving words to express towards me can help but I feel silly asking abd don't want to be rude. Also a few people said in passing "we should celebrate" but I think they expect me to throw my own party. I don't know if I want a party as much as I want love on a deep enough way for me to feel it. The party is a nice bonus. But I want to feel that I am a person who matters and for that to feel authentic by the people around me.

I guess this is a different kind of post than most other posts in thud forum so feel free to move it to like general mental health or whatnot.