TeenHelp - (TW) I'm close to starting and I'm scared

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- - (TW) I'm close to starting and I'm scared (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t162682-tw-im-close-starting-im-scared/)

(TW) I'm close to starting and I'm scared

Each day I feel like I get closer and closer to self harming worse.

I used to self harm by punching myself, but eventually that just wasn't enough, and it also annoyed me since it never left a bruise or anything. I feel as though I'm really close to starting to self harm in more dangerous ways (I'm sure you can imagine) and I'm scared, and yet the same time I'm not. It's a paradox. The logical part of my brain is scared because I KNOW it's wrong,and I have the tools to do something far more healthy. But at the same time I'm not, I just want to do it, I want scars, I want to be hurt, all this stuff.

It's so weird, it's so scary. Every day I feel I get closer to doing it.

Re: (TW) I'm close to starting and I'm scared

Thank you for reaching out, Soda. I want to acknowledge that it's very brave you posted, and the fact that you're asking for help alone shows that even though you are struggling with these urges to self-harm, some part of you still wants to care for yourself, and that's a good thing. That voice is definitely worth listening to, and I am glad you are still in touch with it.

Unfortunately, self-harm is a behavior that has a tendency to make us want to escalate. It's very hard to just stick to whatever method we start with once we start doing it. The feeling you're having, that what you were doing isn't enough, is a common one, as is the desire to start doing more and causing more damage to yourself. I am sorry that you are hurting enough that you feel you are in this place.

Our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are intimately connected, even when we don't always consciously realize it, and so it might be worth looking at what kinds of thoughts and emotions you are experiencing when you get these urges to self-harm.

I am glad there's still a logical part of your brain that is telling you engaging in more extensive SH behaviors would be wrong. The fact of the matter is it is. You risk getting into a very destructive cycle, you risk your own health more, and most importantly, you hurt your body, which continues to send your brain the message that you are someone worth hurting, when in fact you are not.

It sounds like you just have a lot going on, and there are some struggles in your life. That doesn't mean you deserve to hurt like this. I would encourage you to talk to someone, a trusted friend, parent, teacher, or counselor, if you're comfortable reaching out to someone who knows you and can maybe help you process these feelings. We are, of course, always happy to help you here, too, but sometimes there's an added benefit of talking face-to-face with someone who cares about you.

All in all, no matter what you're going through, you do not deserve to hurt like this. There are many other skills you can use as alternatives to self-harm when you get these urges, but I think it might be beneficial to look at why these thoughts and urges are escalating, and see if you can maybe talk with someone about them.

I hope this helps. Please take care of yourself. We are always here for you.

Re: (TW) I'm close to starting and I'm scared

Hello Soda,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this and I hope that you are doing a little bit better. When we get the feeling to sh, try to get your mind off of this for a while and the feeling will start to go away. If you are able to go for a walk around your house or reading a book for a while or drawing or painting or writing or listening to music or playing a game or putting on a funny movie or TV show or something else that you enjoy doing. Sometimes we have to do a few different things to help us get our minds off of the feeling to sh and that is totally fine to do. I hope that you will be okay soon.

Re: (TW) I'm close to starting and I'm scared

That's absolutely wrong, not simply wrong. The right thing to is not to think about that. You can win that need.