Bulimia.
 

It's not just be that feels horribly split sometimes, right?

By that, I mean... wanting to recover, yet not quite being ready. I don't want to be like this, I want to be healthy both in body and mind. Yet it's... my secret, in a way of looking at it. It's mine, and I don't want to give it up, because I don't know if I'm ready to cope without it.

I hate this disorder, I honestly do, I wish I could be normal and without it. But it's here, and without it... it would be like stripping me of who I am, of what I have been for a number of years, and then... I don't know what I'll be, who I'll be, where I'll be...

Am I making even a little bit of sense?

I often feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. You know, if I don't give into what that little voice is screaming at me to do, then there's the feelings that creep up along with that. And then if I do... it's lying on the bathroom floor some hours later, too dizzy to move, looking particularly glamorous (not) and all in all... either way, I will feel completely worthless. Like absolute shit, disgusting, crawling, rotten...


Ahhh, I'm talking too much...

I want to give this up and be healthy, yet it's following me wherever I go. I'm fighting it most of the time, but sometimes I just can't. I give into it...

Re: Bulimia.
 

I used to be like that too. and it was hard...if you set your mind to it you can do it. just have to fight as hard as you can. Imagine this like a vacation that you would. Once you get to beating this the closer you get to enjoying this vacation. that's how i looked at it. imagine how much better you would feel. How many people would be so proud of you including me! I have faith in you. You can do this.
If you need to talk you can always pm me.

Re: Bulimia.
 

OK first of all congratulaitons for a) recognising you have a disorder and b) trying to fight it. I know how hard it is, like i dont have one but i know it can feel like an endless struggle where wither way you feel worthless. Oh and you were making sense. Well i think you have definatley done the first step by writing down how you feel. Its a cycle and cycles can be broken, to help you stop try finding your trigger. why is it you fel liek you ahve too? is it because you want something to be apart of you liek you said having a secret. Whatever it is i suggest you tell a friend or family member. I know you dont want to let g of your secret because you feel like you willhave lost your identity but having that disorder is only a small part that has taken over. Once you let go which can be scary at first you have a journey. To find yourself again. Discover new interests, join clubs, make new friends, listen to different types of music. Whatever you do it will feel that void. No doubt you jsut liked being in controll perhaps, having something to focus on? swop it try sports or goign to support groups or a doctor. Tell a friend or family member for moral support. Its great that you want to be healthy and i hope that you can be in the near future. Keep fighting, im here for you xxx <3 PM me if you ned anything love pixie <3

Re: Bulimia.