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Re: Screaming thread.
It's starting to get harder and harder to breathe, but my doctor wants to sit around and do nothing about this mass rather than take it out and move on, and don't get me wrong, I get it's a pretty risky thing, in a very sensitive area, but shouldn't it be my choice if it's my body?
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Re: Screaming thread.
So tired of being here. Every day I'm looking for a reason to get out. So drained by it.
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Re: Screaming thread.
My body aches everywhere..
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Re: Screaming thread.
Remy's dad is an ass
-Goat |
Re: Screaming thread.
What part of "Blame yourself for other people's behavior towards you." is inspirational?! I don't believe that taking responsibility for the damage other people do to me is healthy.
I am nowhere near okay with any of this and I'm between therapists. I can't have the life I wanted, or even a different version of a life I wanted. I can't accept that a crappy job I'm stuck in for the rest of my life or never working are my only options after everything I've been through. I'm being a responsible adult, but I don't have to like it. If this stuff could be taken care of without doing this, I would've done it that way! Nothing about life is okay anymore. I'm out of good options and if I'm just going to be miserable, what's the point? I get to either work my ass off for a shitty job I hate, or "give up" and decide to never work at all. Should've done it when I wanted to, now I'm stuck here dealing with this. My life is ruined, my intelligence and potential are wasted. Its confirmed now; my existence is nothing but pointless suffering. I didn't cause or deserve what you put me through. Disability or not, skilled or not, attitude or not, bad day for you or not. I didn't deserve it, it wasn't okay, and it sure as hell wasn't my fault. The sad part of realizing this is that I pursued my dream and ended up with a ruined life instead, for no reason. |
Re: Screaming thread.
It's all so overwhelming now.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I can't believe with how much I make and how much I give my roommates each month that I'm still only getting $16 a month in food stamps. How the fuck am I supposed to get enough food for the month with $16?!
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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate knowing when you're going to leave. I wish you could just stay home. There's no need for you to travel for work, they don't need you as much as we do, and we will miss you more.
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Re: Screaming thread.
...I feel lonely.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Me: Will I ever find love?
The drugs: No. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I don't think you're speaking to me at the moment which is going to prove really interesting tomorrow when we're out for my birthday??? I don't know what I've done, the least you could do is tell me if I've pissed you off.
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Re: Screaming thread.
You both need counseling. All the shit you've been through has turned you into monsters. All I can think about is all the hurtful things you said to me. "The visit didn't quite go how I wanted it to." Because you wanted me to take your innate disrespect like a fucking bitch and I refused to do that. How does it feel? You're mentally unstable. You both need some serious help. Damned if I ever stay another night in your house.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Going out for my birthday today but it's fine tell me how I'm making you out to be the bad guy again. Tell me how I judge you. It's only my birthday it's not like I matter and need to have a good day. I'm the least important one.
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Re: Screaming thread.
No one would choose me. They're still here because of the obligation. "Because we've been friends, we are friends." But if I met them today they wouldn't choose me. I'm not worth a damn. train tracks and a fucking pistol in the center console and I fucking left. I chickened out and I should've "manned up" and done it
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Re: Screaming thread.
So, I get to work my ass off for months just to end up in a crappy job I hate and to end up miserable for the rest of my life because I'm not capable of anything else? What's the fucking point of that?! Unlike a "normal" person, I won't be able to "move up" or move on to better things. So not even almost worth it. Should've done it when I wanted to. I can't do this!
As much as I wouldn't want to pull the "elementary school friends" card for a job, I wonder if you're hiring. I'd probably have a better chance there than any other. Again, not asking for anything handed to me, but a chance would be nice. I would love to submit that for publication, but even if I didn't even almost go into the gory details of what you all did to me, I'm paranoid that you'll find it and/or turn on me because of it and make things worse for me than you already have. You know, I'd sort of kind of get it if I had just been a total ass for the last 29 years and deserved everything that's happened to me, but if anything, the opposite is true. I don't know how much longer I can or want to deal with it. 29 in less than a week. I don't think I'm going to see 30. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I get that you don't want to deal with my shit. Ok. I can live with that.
I can deal with never getting a prais or a good word. Thats also ok. I've learned to be tge only one ever aknowleding if I did something good. But I'm so sick of you always putting me down! If you can't be happy for me then at least keep your mouth shut so I can be happy alone! Hiw is it fair that you always get to put me down and insult me and its ok but I sah one negativ thing and all of you gang up on me and put me down right away, laughing about how im horrible and mean and shit. Thats not what friends are there for. I dont need you to tell me tgat im unbearable horrible mean ugly a spoilsport and fat. I know that by noe. So just leave me alone already. How often do i have to tell you its not funny anymore? And then you are all confused because i dont tell you whats going on in my life anymore? Fuck you! And also stopp putting words in to my mouth i never said! I didnt say it so stop claiming i did! |
Re: Screaming thread.
Concentration, please come back!
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Re: Screaming thread.
What's with this headache?
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Re: Screaming thread.
Get your #@!& together already, Jenna!
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Re: Screaming thread.
My nose is blocked again. My throat hurts. My head feels heavy. I'm tired.
God sake. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Everything that could go wrong is going wrong today. Its such a mess. Everythings a mess. Im so sick of this. I had three breakdowns already tryong to avoid the fourth on right now
I wish today was over... |
Re: Screaming thread.
Chat isn't working. I'm not banned so why isn't it working? It's just a grey screen. I'm beginning to have a melt-down. I hate when technology screws with me.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I can't. I'm done.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't know if you like me back any more...
You told me you did two years ago, but i don't know if that's still true. I wish i could find out if you do but... I'll be so crushed if i find out things are different. I'm a changed person. A better person. I really hope you love me back because with love you more than words can describe. I love you so much that every stray thought i have goes back to you; back to your smile, your laugh, the feeling i get when you hug me... It's my favourite feeling in the whole wide world and i wish i could stay in your arms for lo her than a few seconds. I long to hold your hand and kiss you on the forehead. Ive never kissed anyone before, and i want my first one to be special... I wish it was you. It kills me to think that i may not ever feel your lips against mine, and it kills me to think that someone else could get there before me... I love you so much... Do you love me back? |
Re: Screaming thread.
I wish you weren't coming. It's over a year away and I'm dreading it. I'm doing your definition of giving up. Get okay with it before you get here because I'm NOT talking about it. This is nowhere near as easy as "find what you love and do that.", "That's not a good attitude to have", or "There are people way more disabled than you who work; you have to be able to work." They actually agree that I CAN'T. I'm done trying to defend myself against your impossible standard of "good enough." My answers will never be right. It's one thing to know and accept that, it's another to try not to kill you when you won't stop reminding me. I've tried to tell you this a million times, I'm not sorry you refuse to listen. I'm a grown woman damn it. I have the right to make the decision not to see you without the guilt trip of you being "hurt" and "not understanding" why. You are the cause of this,
I'm done trying to explain it to you, and you hurt me a lot more when I see you than I hurt you when I don't. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm weak. I feel weak. I don't have the strength to carry on like this.
I need... somebody, anybody at all. I feel abandoned. More than ever before, not it genuinely feels like I've honestly lost everybody. I can't connect with people, I can't communicate with them deeply anymore... I want to say I'm suffering, I want to ask for help but I can't even formulate sentences in any coherent way. It's like my own brain is preventing me from doing this. I'm scared. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm so sleepy lately.
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Re: Screaming thread.
So far I've done everything right and there's no reason left to keep going. 29 years of fighting just to watch a train wreck was enough. Not everyone recovers, not everyone gets a happy ending, not everyone survives. This isn't attitude, it's a brain injury.
It better be dead and not in my room The fact that I will never meet your expectations isn't my problem. The fact that I'll never reach mine isn't my fault. Stop shooting, I'm trying to sleep for fuck sake. I didn't deserve or cause it and the fact that you're professionals doesn't excuse it. If anything, it makes it worse. I don't specifically blame you for much except flipping on me, but most of you get lumped in together as partially evil. Just because I don't "belong" there doesn't mean I belong somewhere else. If I had a penny for every direction I've been directed away from I could pay off the loans I took out for no reason. That may have become bad, but it doesn't mean this is better. Not everyone overcomes to become okay. Some of us muddle through our entire lives hoping that there's something here for us other than misery. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I am so ready for exams to be over but I am not prepared enough to actually be ready to appear for it, yet. Ugh. I really need to learn to handle this stress.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate being poor
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish I could go to that music festival. I wish I could meet my favourite writer, she was so close and the possibility of meeting her was so close. She changed my whole life in a way that nothing had ever done before. I wish I could tell her that.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Apparently Tinder has a way to choose your most attractive pictures... and it picked one of my dog.
Just my dog. Like seriously? Come on, on my worst day Im like a 6... |
Re: Screaming thread.
This isn't really a rant or anything, but don't you hate it when you have an itch, but you don't know where exactly it is? Like, you're close to it, and then you're not again. It's so annoying.
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Re: Screaming thread.
(Removed since I was crazy)
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Re: Screaming thread.
Failure. Doomed. Destined for nothing.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Your a fucking bitch honestly. But your my best friend and I love you best friend. But sometimes you don't even ask whats wrong whats wrong? I see you with your other friend in science and your talking more with her then with me. And since you got a phone you beeen fucking obsessed with "Instagram" And stopped fucking talking to me on gmail. You been different since you got the phone and I'm fucking disgusted honestly Im fucking disgusted with the way you been acting since you got the phone.Plus when i Tell you important stuff and sad stuff you say " Oh im sorry" like you mean it but you dont you fucking dont mean it you want to know why? because i can tell. But whenever you tell ME YOUR PROBLEMS I SAY " IM SO FUCKING SORRY FOR YOU LIKE I MEAN IT!
You inconsiderate bitch!! I want to hate you so much right now but I cant I just cant. Inside Im screaming with anger and tears to hold them back. But your my best friend your my best friend.... Im just done right now If you want to be my best friend, Dont be on your fucking phone all day just fucking talk to me like we used to talk. Cause if not i'm done with you I'll be done being your best friend and you could go find another fucking best friend. Got it? You bitch... I hope your reading this post because thats how I feel right now I feel sad and hurt, and disgusted by your attitude and your action and on the other issue? You didn't even fucking tell me you were almost-ish dating a girl until i heard someone asking you Are you dating. and I had to psychically ask you " are u dating her" when you should have told me instead of me having to ask you to find out like are you SERIOUS? Im done Im just done ranting over you best friend Im just done. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I never want another darn child again. He's being such a pain in the butt today. Making me so frustrated and my anxiety go through the roof.
I hate when people say I'll change my mind. I'm perfectly okay having one kid. Today, is not a good day. Tomorrow can't come any faster? |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm so tired of feeling like there isn't any hope left in me. I hope this next treatment helps, because it truly could change my life, and I'm at my wits end here.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I want to throw the remote through the TV.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve friends because I'm broke and don't drive. It's nice to know that that self-deprecating thought isn't just a self-deprecating thought. It's the truth.
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