Re: Screaming thread.
 

It's probably not healthy to pray for death. Not sure I believe in God but if there is one maybe he'll finally do something kind for me

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Something is going to happen today that will freak me out. My boss will say something or put too much on me. I can't handle this anxiety.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

If you lied about that, how much else did you lie about? I've never felt so broken..

Re: Screaming thread.
 

My only hope is that I don't wake up tomorrow

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I feel like I can't do this.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I feel so sick from the pain and stress that I might actually get sick

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Well I have nothing left to lose now..

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I am so damn fat. I am going to gain weight

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I'm too sick from all this stress and pain and anger and grief and fear to eat. Do I care? No.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I can't do this. I can't

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Addiction fucking ruins everything. Forever. It doesn't even matter that we're both clean/sober now because we've already fucked things up too much in active addiction that it's too late to fix. I'm truly broken. And if this is what sobriety is like, I don't fucking want it! I don't want it. I hate being sober. It's just pain. There's nothing good left in my life without substances. No relief to the pain. Nothing to look forward to or hope for. Nothing to try for. No one to be there for me. Everything in my life in sobriety was a fucking lie! For how long, I don't even know. But it kills me. It kills me so much. Because you just took away the one thing I had left to hold on to; which was only a flicker of hope to begin with. Now it's just me and my fucked up mind. My tears that won't stop as I see every day that you have already moved on. That I am nothing to you. You said it didn't matter that my progress was slower than yours, but clearly it did. I'm not recovering the same as you, and you think that means I'm not even trying. So why bother trying at all. My efforts don't pay off. All this work for more pain? What's the fucking point? Maybe you should be afraid of what I'll do, but I'm not. Because I really don't give a fuck what happens to me anymore. Why should I? Who gives a fuck? Because I sure don't. Fuck drugs. Fuck addiction. Fuck life for sucking so much that drugs are the last resort.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Thinking about going to work tomorrow makes me want to die.

My boss was out today and I was relieved.

Looking into a new job and scared it'll be the wrong choice.

I have to make it till June 4th before accepting something new and I'm scared that won't happen.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I really don't want to do this job anymore and I know I won't get hired for the other job. I've heard they have picky hiring practices and they usually already have an idea on who they want to hired

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I don't feel like I can do this.

Having such a bad day today

Re: Screaming thread.
 

What kind of fucking nightmare was today??

And this week? And this month? And this year? And the past couple years? Plus an entire decade before that.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I can't do this

Re: Screaming thread.
 

So much is so bad that dissociation is hitting. The survivor me is back. Maybe I can survive after all. My brain and body have already adapted to trauma. So I can survive. Just don't know in what condition.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Welp I made it through the night. A new day to stress and worry about work.

Idk how I'm going to survive.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

So much death. So much loss. I am lost.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I am feeling so nervous. I want this so badly so it probably won't happen

Re: Screaming thread.
 

The week is almost over and I'm having to put my free time on hold to study for this test.

Three more weeks and I'm done with this class and hopefully I pass.

Three weeks will pass quickly.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

If I died would it be better? No anxiety, no stress

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I hope they don't answer

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Good news: I texted my therapist and told her I need to see her and explained that I'm having really bad anxiety.

Bad news: She's on vacation and will get back to me May 17th.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Apparently chronic illness isn't a valid enough reason to be tired. Pushing myself to sickness isn't good enough; lazy in fact. So I pop more caffeine pills and potentiators since the caffeine doesn't work enough anymore. But it's not enough. So I work longer hours and sleep less. More pills. Vicious cycle but it's still not enough. Because whatever I do, healthy people are accomplishing more. And that's what I'm compared to because I don't look sick. I keep getting yelled at for trying to respect my limitations, so now I don't. I know people with real uppers. I've been thinking of that more because what choice do I have. I'm going to get cardo problems eventuqlly if I keep this up, but maybe I'll get lucky and I'll die first. Healthy people abuse uppers to accomplish more; I need them to function less than normally. But I'm just lazy for not working myself into the hospital or to death.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Work tomorrow and I am anxious. I kind of wish I had taken four hours off but it won't be that bad once I go in in the morning.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

It doesn't matter how much caffeine I take anymore. All it does now is prevent withdrawals. Potentiators don't even make it work enough, but it's all I've got. Must push through it because apparently I'm completely healthy when I'm not in the hospital. So I shouldn't complain. I don't have limitations from a disability. So me trying to respect my limitations is hurting others. They always remind me of that. All I can say is, my brother doesn't have these health problems, but he definitely uses uppers. I can see it in his eyes. I've thought about asking him what he has because I can't keep this up. Nothing legal overcomes this fatigue. I'm running out of options.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I can't handle this stress. It's such bullshit.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I swear I don't want to do this anymore. I feel so trapped

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I'm feeling terrified

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Turns out there's nothing interesting about me. I'm just a generic human being.