Re: Screaming thread.
 

Anxiety has come back with a vengeance.

Wish I were dead

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Well this is it. I'm back in my abusive house. For who knows how long because I don't have a job. My first student loan payment will be due in two months. Lost my best friend/partner, and they didn't even tell me. I lost my entire support system, minus one person who lives hundreds of miles away. Replacement cat is joining us soon. I might relapse hard. I don't know. I don't know if I even care anymore.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I am so anxious. I wish this would stop

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Some days I wish I weren't functional. Things were so much more predictable back when I wasn't

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I'm never gonna be okay.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

If I can find just one fucking thing in my life that doesn't suck, maybe I won't kill myself. But I haven't had that kind of luck the past couple years.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I'm so tired of being treated like shit. I've stopped asking questions but it doesn't matter because the minute I do I'm treated like absolute shit.

If I can't leave this job I might just kill myself.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I'm so tired of being treated like shit. I've stopped asking questions but it doesn't matter because the minute I do I'm treated like absolute shit.

If I can't leave this job I might just kill myself.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Sometimes I hate myself.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Apparently I need to stop being angry and just cheer up because there's no reason to be upset. Because my grief is apparently invalid.. thanks that CURED me.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I am so anxious about work tomorrow and I can't call in again. I have to deal with it head on but there's a part of me that hopes I don't wake up in the morning

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I don't want to be here

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Oh for the love of fuck, do you do nothing around here? You have the most important chore in the house: grocery shopping. You haven't done it at all this month and it's almost the end of the month. We have nothing except soda and sandwich stuff. You seemed really upset to hear, despite knowing this for ages, that I don't generally like sandwich stuff, and I shouldn't have to eat it because you can't get off your fat fucking ass and go shopping. If you were depressed or something I'd understand and we could all work something out, but you're just lazy. I gave you three hundred dollars this month so you could get groceries. I have a half a mind to ask to only give you half next month. After all, that three hundred is for groceries; that's the agreement. If you spent it on other stuff that's your problem. Do your fucking chore.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I don't want to be suicidal because of a job but I am. I need it to stop

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I wish I could have called in sick

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

If I don't get the new job idk what I'll do. I can't keep this up much longer. I just can't keep doing it.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I'm thinking of going home and looking for my tools. I have 3 hours left in the day and if I still feel this way I might do it. Not sure I'll cut but if I don't have to search for my blades that will be a step towards having a way to cope. I might also just buy new tools if I'm too lazy to look

Re: Screaming thread.
 

They got the replacement cat. No one cares how I feel. So far from okay. I have no support system. I desperately need a hug. To be held. Maybe one day I'll get a hug, but I'll never be held again because I aro ace. I've never hated this part of me so much before. The best I can do to cope is try to escape, physically and/or mentally, as much as possible, however possible.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I want to die. Sixteen hours and I'm free

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Oh I woke up. I still wish I has died in my sleep but I guess that's not possible.

I don't want to be here. I might need to cut sooner rather than later.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Me being in pain hurts others, so that's why I need to just stop being in pain.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I can't do this today

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

These phone and video interviews are so bad for my anxiety. In person interviews are no problem, but phone/video calls are so, so bad.. I don't know how I'll get through this. I don't have any xanax left that I shouldn't have even had access to. I can't get more. I've considered drinking to cope with this--not enough to get drunk, just enough to take the edge off the anxiety--but I'm afraid that it'll show during the interview. So I can't. I have another important call to make today too that might also be an interview or might not. But I can't think about that without panicking, and I have to get through this interview first. I'm losing myself in anxiety. I started getting overwhelmed by grief on top of this. I distracted myself with Netflix, but now the interview is in half an hour and I cna't even prepare for it.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I wonder what happens when you die

Re: Screaming thread.
 

The time is approaching. Where it all ends, one way or another. I can't go on, and I don't want to. There's nothing to look forward to, to hope for, to live for. I just want it to end. I want out. Because the things that have broken me can never be fixed. So I will remain broken forever...

Re: Screaming thread.
 

My anxiety is so damn bad.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I've never felt so insecure about my identity as I do now. And it only makes it worse that the person who helped me overcome it the most is the one who just contributed to this hatred and confusion toward myself now. I've never felt so broken and alone. I feel like a freak. No one can relate. The best person to talk to about this is the person I can't talk to because they made me feel this way. I don't want to be me...

Re: Screaming thread.
 

I wish I could quit

Re: Screaming thread.
 

It's been over 2 years in recovery, and I'm more miserable than ever before.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

It might hurt a lot of people if I kill myself but at least my pain would stop.

I screwed up today and I have no way to escape. I'm trapped in a job I hate and I can't leave it because I need the medical insurance. At least if I were dead that wouldn't be a worry.

I don't know why I kept myself safe today. No one would have known until it was too late.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

If there was a way to escape sooner I'd probably take it.