Re: Screaming thread.
 

I just realized that getting a job will actually be impossible. All interviews would be phone. I suck at phone interviews because of panic attacks. I can't.

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The roaches have progressed from the kitchen and into the living room. I've already seen one in my room, too. Pretty soon they're all going to make their way upstairs and my roommate isn't getting traps. I feel angry about this.

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I'm so hopeless.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

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I feel like crap. Still. It's been years.

Everyday is a bad day.

It's not worth staying alive for this suffering. Only reason I'm waiting to execute my plan is because I don't want to hurt my partner.

I really want to fucking die!

Almost harmed myself today. It's been nearly 4 years clean from self harm. Mainly didn't only because I knew it wouldn't help enough.

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My past is trauma, the present is unbearable, and I have no hope at a decent future. No support, no help, no money to buy help or support. No money to survive more than a few months.

Okay seriously, Life! If you keep giving me a new crisis or two per day, a dozen new reasons to die everyday, and no resolutions or additional reasons to live, it's only a matter of time before I go. I can't hold on anymore. I don't WANT to kill myself, but there are no good outcomes possible if I stay alive. I can't take it anymore! Nothing will make any of this shit okay.. ever.

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FUCK THE UNIVERSITY I WORKED AT.
Student and employee lives are NOT disposible...

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The fucking COVID test I took in the emergency room Friday still hasn't come back. They said it was a 48 hours test. I should've heard back Sunday. I just want to know the fucking results.

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I'd rather die. Suicide is my fallback.

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I can't have her here while I move my things out.

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Woke up at 5am with an anxiety attack and couldn't get back to sleep. Fatigue level 9 and I've barely started my day. Need to somehow be productive 'cause I've been too stressed to get stuff done, and now I'm running out of time. If only abusing a ton of caffeine would actually help relieve my fatigue..

I am disposible...

FORGET IT. This shit is so hopelessly impossible, and there is no one who can actually help! Stop JUST saying "you can do it!" Because I can't fucking do it. Still. I don't even know what the fuck to do! My employer even said business needs are more important than my life. So maybe I should just fucking hurry up and kill myself to end my inevitable suffering. I know what I need to do for that, at least.

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Fatigue still so bad. still no answers. Less time to figure it out . No one left to ask.

Life isn't for me.

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Why will no one take me seriously? This is NOT anxiety! I am scared. I hope this illness doesn't progress to the point where it paralyzes my heart or lungs. Dying of something that I went to the hospital for and was fucking turned away would really fucking suck.

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Just another bad day already. I don't think I'll live to ever have another good day.

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She and her mom are here right now dropping off some stuff. I feel angry that she's here. This is MY space, though not for much longer. Maybe living apart is going to be harder than I thought.

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Getting dressed, eating a quick breakfast, and brushing my hair and teeth is so physically exhausting. I need 3 hours to do just this every morning. Time to work for my parents, search for a job full time, figure out insurance and stuff, and do chores. But I'm already out of energy for the entire day. Holding my phone is exhausting. Typing this is draining. So glad I just have to suffer through this until I die. No one can recommend anything to me besides hardcore stimulants (which likely won't improve my fatigue anyway and cost a fortune) or suggestions to overcome executive dysfunction. It's not executive dysfunction. My muscles just won't work. I even have lots of muscle.

Me, every waking second of my life: Should I take another caffeine pill?

Don't ask me to interpret the science for you if you're just doing to call everything you disagree with "politics."

I don't want to stay alive anymore. I just don't have means of a quick death readily available yet.

I still can't get fucking health insurance figured out because I don't know shit and no one else knows shit, and I can't go to my parents, but the system thinks I'm my parents somehow, so I can't get health insurance and my old plan is already about to expire and I'm chronically ill and high risk from covid.

Why am I staying alive for this again?

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I'll know by the end of the month if I'm going to keep trying to stay alive or not.

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Why even get out of bed when there's no reason to live. The purpose of each day is to try to slow how quickly and horribly my life falls apart. But it already pretty much has. I can't do shit to change any of it. I feel horrible physically too. Why not just let everything fall apart and not try to stop it? I can't stop it. Why fight it? I'm too tired to keep fighting for nothing. They won't even treat my severe fatigue. Or believe me.

Resting won't help me find energy to cook

Grief doesn't go away. It doesn't come in waves. It's constant, neverending. There's just too much that time cannot erase...

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Why is everything so heavy?

I might have enrolled in health insurance, but I'm still not actually sure... so many problems.

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I just want to know how bad it's going to be. Should I be cutting back on essentials like basic food? Should I ignore all health problems too? Should I pull my total $1000 out of my forced retirement contribution that I've needed from my past paychecks? Should I have picked shittier health insurance when I already have chronic illnesses? Or will everything turn out fine? Depends on the US government. The unemployment federal aid expires tomorrow. The might renew it in some amount NEXT WEEK after it expires. I applied a month ago and won't know if I even qualify at all for another couple weeks. I hate them. Yes, nearly all of them. They're okay with all of us dying.

The more time that passes, the more hopless I am that it COULD ever get better. I no longer care if there is a light at the end of the tunnel or if it's an oncoming train; I just want to be out of the tunnel.

Time to job search. Just that alone made me nearly kill myself last year. I wish I had killed myself then. It's highly unlikely I will survive 2020.

My goals in life are to pay basic bills, pay medical bills, and pay student loans. This is so horribly unrealistic. I tried to figure out a plan for job searching. It's not going to happen. I won't get a job. Because I'm actually NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Good, just not enough. At least suicide has much more reasonable odds of success.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Re: Screaming thread.