Re: Screaming thread.
 

My dream job is anything that doesn't go against my morals and pay at least about $40k (so I can pay student loans too)... Such high goals apparently. I regret college so much.

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I am too sick to function. At all. My body won't. Sitting is exhausting.

I don't want to hold on anymore. Why should I?
I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm not good enough. I'm replaceable.
It will never get better. There's not a single reason to believe it can.
The longer I live, the worse it gets.

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I can't do the simplest tasks. What is wrong with me?

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I just want everything to end.

I should've just gone back to work to die.

I have the wrong personality for job hunting. I am not the best candidate. Just another applicant. But not energetic and confident and positive and extraverted enough. To get a job, I can't be me. I am not the right fit for anything because I'm sick and tired, am still learning to be tolerant of myself, neutral at best, and ambiverted. I am the wrong person. So why bother trying? No one wanted me before. That's why I got a shit job with low pay that forced tons of overtime and made me act against my morals (frequently). I'm more traumatize, more desperate, less okay starting off. I'll never get a job.

Fuck it, I should just go fucking die.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

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Phone anxiety makes me sound like such a fucking idiot during phone interviews AND ruins my chances of getting a job offer. I want to give up.

This is proof it will never get better.

Dear Void,
I need support. I'd pay you money if I had it.

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My dysphoria is so bad today. I want to hurt myself.

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Just because I can't come over tonight, in the MIDDLE of the night, I might add, means you "changed your mind?" Moments after I asked if you were free in the near future? You went ahead and did it anyway? Idk. Sometimes you just hurt my feelings with shit like that. I don't think you realize it and I don't tell you because I don't want to be a bother.

God, Eli, when are you going to start standing up for yourself?

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Well it turns out I did fail the phone interview. No surprise. I'll continue my multi-day breakdown over this same interview. I know I'll never do better. I can't sell myself as the best. Because I'm just good and a hard worker. Nothing special. With anxiety that makes me sound like a fucking idiot. I'm the wrong personality to get hired anywhere. No point in trying. How the fuck do people without 2 bachelor degrees, 10 years of part time work experience, and 1 year of full time work experience get hired? Why am I so bad? I'll just go die then. Hopefully that just spontaneously happens so I don't have to spend money to ensure it happens. Not impossible where I live.

Re: Screaming thread.
 

Today looks like a good day to end it for good.

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These cramps make me want to rip my uterus from my body. I don't remember it hurting this much last time.

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My teeth hurt

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I can't fucking take this anymore.

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So glad that I will likely get zero pain treatment from an urgent surgery that I can't afford. Just great. So I will want to die even more.

I can't eat. I can't get an appointment. Will I just die here? I already can't care for myself and am getting so much worse. Emotional pain level 10. Fatigue level 8-10. Physical pain level 3-8, increasing by the day. No money. No job. No family support. No pain meds. No fatigue meds. No therapy. Nothing.

I wish I was dead.

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This hurts so bad. I can't eat. It hurts too much. I can't care for myself and don't have an able person to care for me. Can't even get appointment til next week. Pain constantly getting worse.

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I can't get fired. That'd be discrimination and my state has some of the best discrimination laws and my supervisor likes me.

I'll be okay. I'm freaking out over nothing.


Jesus christ I'm taking a week off and I'm gonna be panicked.


I'm also having to get my stitches removed Wednesday and my doctor retired. Don't know which doctor will remove them and I'm nervous. Asked my dad if he'd go just in case they are rude. Never really had a bad experience with this office but it's a new doctor.

Fucking panic attack

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Pain getting worse. Eating hurts too much. I'm apparently supposed to just fucking suffer with no treatment. And search for a job full time during this. It's more important than ever to get a job asap to pay for this. I just can't function, and no one is taking care of me.

My teeth feel like they are burning. Just gotta suffer.

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Please just end this pain

More and more and more symptoms with no treatment and life crises. Just fucking kill me already! I can't fucking push through all this bullshit anymore. If I had lower fatigue, I'd end it myself.

I'm too disabled to stay alive.

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JUST FUCKING KILL ME!!!!!!!!!

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So much pain.. fatigue level 9, physical pain level 7-8, emotional pain level 10, other symptoms level 5. Sometimes I really hate having a body. There is no relief.

Just gotta keep pushing through. Why? Because I'm unfortunately still alive.

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WHY IS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE THAN THE PREVIOUS DAY????? I can't fucking take any more of this. The more of this shit that goes so fucking wrong, the less reason there is to believe there is a fraction of a chance that my life will ever improve. Killing myself would be an act of mercy at this point.

Oh and they're going to require me to take opiates for this pain that I WILL NEED treatment for. I'm sure this is going to end well... Fuck there can't possibly be a worse time for me to not have money or support and have to take my drug of choice for an emergency surgery with new PTSD and no treatment for that.

Mpre and more shit keeps going so horribly wrong. How can one person's life be so fucking bad? Suicide really might be the only way out. There is no other end in sight. I know a few people care, but I can't take any more suffering. And there's still more. There's always more. What crisis/crises will happen tomorrow? Stay tuned for now. I'm losing my mind. I can't go on, and I haven't wanted to for years. Why do I have to keep suffering this much? I am staying alive solely for people I care about. Same for the past few years. But now it's too much. Putting myself first would mean killing myself to end this suffering.

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I hate this fucking pandemic. I want to be around people, period, but I especially want to be around people without worrying about possibly dying just because I go out for a cup of coffee. Dad says he's coming around the holidays and I don't know if I will feel comfortable around him because he's been on an airplane. I just feel so anxious about all this.

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I'm terrified.

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Why won't my body fucking do what I want it to?

Re: Screaming thread.