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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate how you are so self centered. It always has to be about you, and over half of the things you say are a lie. I can't stand you. I wish you would just go away and stay out of my life.
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Re: Screaming thread.
TO THE MOTHERFUCKERS DOWN THE HALL: Don't hate just cause I drank you under the table. I heard you talking shit!
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Re: Screaming thread.
How can you be so fucking selfish? For once look around and see how your behavior is affecting others! And for God's sake grow up!!
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Re: Screaming thread.
About the only thing I judge is intolerance and sometimes I just wonder what the hell is wrong with people. I assume you were raised by at least one decent human being who taught you how to treat others. But you're showing your true colors so, I'm going to judge you just as harshly as you judge them. I just have the decency to keep my mouth shut.
Some days I'm okay with it, other days I'm not and the fact that I want to do it my way again means I'm not okay with it right now. I'm stuck with things I will hate because I'm never allowed near people again and going deep and being profound to help them is all I've ever really wanted. You placed that on my heart, so you'll fulfill it somehow, but waiting isn't easy. I'm not going to ask for that because I know I won't get it, but I do still want it. Either way, help him and allow him to hear the message that I would tell him if I could. Why doesn't Ohio offer a combined degree in that, it would be perfect. Instead I have to choose. |
Re: Screaming thread.
So fat. FAILURE.
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Re: Screaming thread.
End this, you're pathetic.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I fucking hate life.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish that I could help all the children who are being abused and mistreated by their parents. All the kids who are lost in this world. And I'm so angry that I can't.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Why am I still here?
Just to suffer? Then see others suffer more...? There's too much to... handle. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I can take this anymore! I am so exhausted.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I shouldn't have to feel embarrassed or paranoid for needing help.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm really angry and cannot calm down. I really really hate life and this fucked up world...
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Re: Screaming thread.
Why do I keep thinking of you and looking at the beauty you hold both within and on your appearance?
The way I just daydream and imagine us meeting for the first time (officially) at the airport, and then you jumped on me with arms n' legs wrapped around my body... then having your first kiss with me. That moment... I cannot express how perfect and divine that is to me. Love at its finest hour. I never loved a person this much before... Loving someone so much that you decided that you wanna spend the rest of your life with this gorgeous person and do your bidding to her wishes. But.. I can't have that moment along with other special moments, why... why why why...Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Re: Screaming thread.
I wish I had the courage to really reach out to you but I'm nowhere close. Still, I regret telling you I was going to sleep twenty minutes ago when I know it's likely I'll be awake for the whole night. When do I ever sleep? Regardless, there were two incidences during our conversation tonight when my true feelings did come across. The first was when I said my bullies already won and killed me years ago. The second was when I spoke about how not everyone gets to fit in, how somebody has to pay the price and that's the hand I've been dealt.
It's the second one that hurts the most. Say what you will but I'll never be a normal, happy person. I'm never going to experience being important to someone. Never will I be the reason someone wants to wake up in the morning, never will someone watch their phone all day waiting for a text from me, never will I really matter someone. I guess the last one is harsh, it implies that I don't matter to you and our other friends and I suppose I do. Before I met you and the others, I'd never felt that way. I can't remember thinking I mattered to someone. Now I apparently do, and over the past year or so that's both enriched my life and torn it apart. You kind of get me. Granted, you're more privileged than you think you are, but you know what's it like to feel hopeless, justifiably or otherwise. Problem is, I don't feel hopeless. It'd imply that I had hope before and I lost it. I've been without hope for so long that I'm no longer hopeless, I just might as well be dead. That's one thing I miss about not meaning anything to anyone; I could hurt myself all I wanted. I could have killed myself and nobody would have cared. I wish I took advantage of that liberty before you and the other people who care snatched it from me. I don't have the heart to tell you I want to kill myself again. You have too much stress to put up with already. Maybe it'll hurt you less if you don't know anything when I die. Or is that unfair on you? I just pray that someday you'll realise that becoming friends with me was a mistake and that you're better off without me. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Die you ugly bastard...
You're useless Thomas, die you ugly bastard... |
Re: Screaming thread.
Okay, so let me get this straight; after 10 months of mostly soul crushing depression and suicidal ideation I managed to get less than 24 hours of feeling okay, followed by the WORST stomach pain and worse of my LIFE (and I'm getting it again) and then said depression came back. I am doing the best I can to hold on, but I'm only so strong. I can't be expected to do this forever. Add that I get to settle for a life I really don't want in place of the one I had always dreamed of because I was born broken and it's going to get worse and I really don't see the point of fighting.
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Re: Screaming thread.
No point in trying anymore.....
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't know why I am holding on even after almost a year. You obviously don't care. You talk to me mechanically and because you'd rather not see me hurt. I know you well enough to know how you are feeling. Why don't you just stop talking to me, I can bear with it. You have done it in the past and I survived, remember? I don't know why I am such an idiot and why I am still a part of your life. Twice in the past you have chosen others over me and here I am still hoping things will change. Urggh!
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Re: Screaming thread.
I didn't realize where it was and there was no way to look it up, don't worry I won't bother calling them back. Granted this one isn't an option, but you can't complain about the fact that I have no plan and then shoot down all of the few I manage to come up with. No wonder I'm a fucking mess!
Guess who's fucking done! One minute I'm contemplating suicide and the next I'm contemplating a PhD. I really have to accept the idea that nothing else will happen for me. School gets easier, life gets harder those are the rules of living with brain damage. I got 3 hours of sleep, WHY am I awake?! I don't care what you believe, I care that you bash me for disagreeing with you. GROW UP and get a life that involves more than insulting strangers online for the hell of it. You're my parent's age for fuck sake what is WRONG with you?! |
Re: Screaming thread.
Wish I could stop feeling so low and shitty.
But wait, in the eyes of the rest of the world I don't fucking matter- I'm a lost cause, so no, I'm not going to stop feeling low and shitty. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Pleas can I just be okay for one day. I'm so fucking sick of this.
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Re: Screaming thread.
dont wanna live
nothing to live for |
Re: Screaming thread.
Why do I have to be so fucking suicidal now? All I want to do is cut my fucking arm to shreds and cut my body because I hate myself and everything about me and I'll never fucking be able to be who I am. I feel trapped here because of you overbearing. I wish I never existed. :'(
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Re: Screaming thread.
My only options are fail, settle, or die. I\'m done.
Disability doesn\'t change my Code, I\'m going to ache to help people even if my brain says I can never have human contact again. I don\'t see anything ever working If only I weren\'t disabled do you understand how much easier my life would be?! I could have anything I wanted in life, but instead I\'m stuck losing everything instead. If there were jobs in that it wouldn\'t even be a question because I\'d do that instead, but since there aren\'t, I\'m stuck settling for something I don\'t really want. I can never have what I want, I don\'t know who I am or what my life is going to look like and it\'s been nothing but suffering the entire time because the good times eventually fell apart. Everything is in shambles and I\'m completely lost.. I can\'t even ask for that anymore because I just get ignored now. I\'m not doing this shit for attention, it\'s my new reality. If I could get a job with that I\'d be set, but they don\'t exist. If I could do social work then I could\'ve done counseling, so that\'s out which leaves me with two options, neither of which I\'m desperate for and one of which is impossible anyway. I HATE my life; and the reason it sucks will get worse and never go away. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I wish I was dead right now. I don\'t even want to be here. I never asked to be brought into the world. I never wanted this.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I hate having a sick baby! It makes me feel so defeated knowing there isn\'t much I can do other than medicate and cuddle. :( I wish I could just take it away from her instantly.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I feel like pushing everything away and disappearing are my only options right now.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don\'t feel like getting up anymore. Everything I see and hear only makes me feel worse.
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Re: Screaming thread.
To whoever assigned me to work 4 to midnight on welcome week... YOUR MAMA IS A HO.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Nice thread!
Can every single person not be so against me & T\'s relationship? Seriously, I haven\'t done shit to any of you. I\'ve been unbelievably nice to you, not to mention. Stop starting bullshit. Just shove it and grow up. I have to keep my goddamn mouth shut when T upsets me. because people want to judge me, every little thing, I am a bitch. So, holding even more in. I swear, everything is against me. The only thing I am holding onto is slipping through my fingers. Slowly disappearing. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I need to... I need to be strong for others, not just so I can live but so I can be stronger for the others that\'ll need me. Because that\'s my fucking purpose, may I only suffer... for others\' happiness and safety.
No wait... I don\'t wanna fool myself, what if I can\'t... be strong enough? Maybe I\'m not good enough... and there it is. The cycle... upon realizing that, I feel suicidal... like the more... I reject my purpose, the more bits of myself I lose... |
Re: Screaming thread.
Such a weak and worthless person. I don\'t deserve to be alive.
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Re: Screaming thread.
To myself in 2007
YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! F: I can\'t promise to be on all the time, I want to spend as much as possible with T. me: Well, I don\'t like it! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! |
Re: Screaming thread.
Trigger Warning Sexual Abuse
How about this: We STOP blaming women for men\'s behavior, we teach responsibility and self-control and that part of being a MAN is respecting women, and we teach them NOT to RAPE. Then we have no problem. This is not rocket science, what the fuck is WRONG with people!?!? |
Re: Screaming thread.
I\'m a failure. Im so unhappy. I don\'t know if this is something I can change or if it\'s something I\'m gonna be stuck dealing with forever. Run away. That\'s what my brain says. But why?
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Re: Screaming thread.
Everything is becoming pointless..
I have nothing to live for... |
Re: Screaming thread.
Because God decided the worst year of my life wasn\'t quite bad enough, now we have to deal with this shit. I\'m not upset like I should be, but I don\'t feel bad about it. Hopefully this will finally put her where she needs to be.
Here\'s how it\'s going to be: She wears the life alert button all the phones get new batteries NOW, go buy them right now get all the shit including all the rugs and any other crap off the floor whether she says she needs it or not, no matter how much she bitches and moans and tantrums like a 2 year old Or she goes into assisted living, end of story this isn\'t fucking rocket science!!!! So, I\'m still right, I have a disability so my passion is off limits and I\'m forced to settle for something else, pretend it\'s better than what I really wanted, and then convince people in the same situation of the lie. I don\'t think so. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I am a coward...
Perhaps that why everyone just happens to... stop talking to you? Because you\'re pathetic... You\'re just unwilling to get your hands dirty to save those who are innocent, you\'re so scared to get your fists bloody along with your consciousness... that\'s how you\'re a coward. You\'re selfish, you pride in yourself that you\'re a good person yet you say to others that actions matter more than words. Saving a few people online and making sure they\'re ok, yeah... that\'s in the past and besides... that too is little and yet ... you could do more. You\'re just a thing, a machine. Your only purpose to help those in need, you\'re not a person. Not anymore. Make sense? That\'s why they leave you, once their needs are met and they\'re okay... they leave. Why am I talking to myself...? Huh...? Guess I\'m on the brink of insanity and suicidal thoughts... |
Re: Screaming thread.
Am i better off dead? Do you even care about me? You were a mistake, how could i have been so stupid. And now you wont talk to me, amd its killing me on the inside. Everyday in class cant you see that im always looking to see where you are, always looking back just to see you, to hear a little bit of your voice. I miss you. I need you. Just talk to me, please, im begging you i really need you right now. If i told you that i was about to slice my arm up, would you talk to me then? Would you do it for me? Do i even matter? I need you there so that im not alone. You know how much that scares me....
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Re: Screaming thread.
I wish there was more I could do for you.
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